Monday, January 05, 2009

BEARIED ALIVE


It's cold enough to freeze the nuts off a robot.

Whateverpeg is in a deepfreeze and it is minus 30 frickin' degrees below zero.


All I can hear is the sound of housicles crinkling

and the whirring of my electricity meter (($$$$$$$$$$$$ ))


Outside the weather is frightful
but inside the fire is delightful...


WHOAH..ahem!


Honestly I was just sitting here blogging...



...when all of a sudden I hear a mighty thud eminating henceforth from the mountain of snow that is piled high in my backyard.

I quietly sneak outside...


OMG!


OMG!


OMG!


He's back.


I ran downstairs and quickly assembled a suitable device to rid myself of the pesky intruder rummaging through my garbage...
Then I set it in place.

Now all I can do is wait.....

sssh....


what was that?


HOLY CRAP IT WORKS!

Yeah yeah yeah...
I know that it prolly should have been painted white but what are ya gonna do eh?

65 comments:

  1. This is what happens when Donn has too much time on his hands! Happy New Year!

    It's raining here in San Francisco but we ain't got any Polar Bears.

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  2. 'minus 30 frickin' degrees below zero'.
    No - impossible - humans can't survive at that temperature.

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  3. I do not believe any of it.

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  4. Don, call me when it gets down to 50 below or futher and I'll share some tales of my youth in Alaska back when it got $%#@&&%$ COLD!

    Oh, and nice little bear there....hehe......

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  5. What are ya gonna do? Make a rug? Mount the head? Stew?

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  6. i loved it!

    you should put it in comic format (like those ones from asofterworld.com)

    those icicles look like a stabbing hazzard though.

    please can you make a snowman?

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  7. I can attest to the fact that it is colder than a witch's t*t here....

    I had my truck plugged in overnight and it still complained mightily when I started it this morning.... it was -33 then. :-(

    And it is too cold to make a snowman... the snow doesn't stick together right now, because (I know, hard to wrap your head around this) it is too dry!

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  8. Jeebus if frigging cold where you are.

    Sigh...yeah...I had frost on my car two days ago. It was really cold..for us :)

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  9. Sew do yew real-he X-pecked simp-a-thee from me? Ok, maybe if you sang those songs to me in person, I'd consider digging you out of your fridge-ID-heir throne.

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  10. still wearing sandals and short sleeves...

    (I think it illegal to kill bears in California...)

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  11. you notice the position of the bear?
    what DID you do to it!!!
    hahahahah

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  12. i can't stop laughing long enough to wish you happy new year's.

    you are such a damn riot. :)

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  13. Polar bears are leaving Churchill to feast on Whateverpegians? What a nuisance.

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  14. In Edmonton, the city council, whom everyone hates, is trying to bring in a vehicle idling ban so we can't warm up our cars. We've been in a deep freeze much like you guys, and we're all sort of thinking "City Council, you're fucking crazy. We're going to warm our vehicles up for a minute or two and if you want to try to stop us, go to hell".

    Now the city is thinking of allowing idling below -10C.

    And they voted themselves a raise less than a year ago...

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  15. Ah, so that's how Canadians shop for rugs in winter!

    Mmmmm....Bear claws! Perfect pastry for winter!

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  16. I think that it might have reached -5 here in Amsterdam over night. Had I been outside I would have died. Many times over...

    Cold is good, but only if it produced enough snow so that I can make a snowman and have snowball fights. If it doesn't then it's a waste of cold. Sniff.

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  17. That photo where you've got Vicus up on the screen...

    I can't see where your hands are.

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  18. It got down to the 30s here last night! 30' Fahrenheit! I had to close my window before going to sleep.

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  19. LOL LOL at the freezing beard :D

    and the polar bear

    and malenaa :P

    internet is still dead slow brother, ill have to come back later.

    hugs.

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  20. Ach there is nothing like wanking to Celine while all the pictures of yer family are behind her. Do you only catch white bears you racist shite or do you catch bears of colour too? I see the bear is assuming the position. When a Canuck catches one they put their arse in the air to get it over with in the hopes they will be let go.

    How to annoy yer neighbours, keep asking, "cold enough for ya?"

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  21. You have a very nice beard Mr Coppens. It is also a bit chillier than average here. When I lived in Germany we regularly had like - 22 c, but the Brits have gone nuts over -5... I once lived with a Polar Bear.

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  22. it was -9 here this morning and we're not used to it - so much for sodding global warming eh!

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  23. The colour obviously didn't matter too much - it still worked!! :)

    I almost envy you... Canberra has just hit the Hot time. We really only have two seasons in this town - Hot and Cold. Overall, on average, we have a beautiful temperate climate! :)

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  24. Misti, that's one heck of an observation ya make there, honey. The menfolk up in these parts also use them kind of polar bear traps to help 'em survive the dark, lonely northern winters.

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  25. It's so cold at my place the polar bears are coming in for coffee

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  26. hi sarah! *giggles*
    men at sea also look at cuttlefish/octopus/squids differently.

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  27. Donn... I wasn't aware that robots had balls.

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  28. LOL at catscratch.
    what IS going on up there!!

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  29. you know, I expected an entirely different kind of post after that title....





    *stumbles off in abject dissappointment, her surroundings a blur through a veil of frustrated tears*

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  30. RANDOM CHICK
    Rain? It's Winter! If I lived in San Fran I could get Dirty Harry to come and take care of my Bear.

    KAZ
    You mean't that humans shouldn't have to try and survive that temperature.

    VICUS
    Always a skeptic..Manitoba is the Polar Bear capital of the world!
    Scout's honour...ask Ewan McObi Won.

    THE
    Alaska? Did you go to school with Sarah Palin?

    ALLAN
    Hmm? A nice rug would be nice but I'm into catch and release. Hey check out my last post..nobody else seems to have heard of those bands?

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  31. TESS
    Sure it's funny..'til someone loses a torso.

    PROJECTIVIST
    Those precariously perched stabyerheadtites are dangerous.
    It's fun to try and knock them down with snowballs but as Ponita explained it's too dry to make a decent snowball.

    PONITA
    Tell me again how many days until Spring? Every year I am am caught off guard by Winter's Wrath...hey there is a good name for a poem.

    GILLETTE
    What I would give for a little frrrrrrosttttt. Actually you just sort of get used to it..no...you tolerate it and go from warm spot A to warm spot B and endure the rest. We have HOT Summers..total extremes.

    GEL
    Well Miss Pun-With-Words I would like a little sympathy but when I look at the big picture I realise that it's crazy...it's like living on Pluto..which should have never been labelled a Planet in the first place!

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  32. KATHERINE
    It should be illegal to shoot Grizzly because they are on your flag. DYK that Polar Bears are a modified Grizz and that the two interbreed in areas where their territories overlap?

    MISTI
    My Word! I am surprised at you..what exactly are you implying?
    I'll admit that the sight of a Bear bottom can be quite invigorating but all of neighbours can what goes on in the backyard.

    ILLYRIA
    Happy New Year.
    How is my talented sojourning wordsmith? I shall travel to the fabled fantasyland of Illyria forthwith to inspect your mindscape.

    ELLEN
    They are..now that Westjet has cheap daily flights and Al Gore told them about the Polar Ice melting they are substituting chubby little Seals for chubby little Whateverpeggers like moi.

    ANONANDONANDON
    It is time to storm the Bastille my friend! Take back your city...good gawd man don't let a bunch of pencil necks tell when and where you can let your vehicle idle! Gas if free there for crissakes and you should be idling 24/7 to rip a hole in your Ozone directly above the city.

    Edmonton could be 50 degrees warmer than the surrounding countryside. That'd be awesome.


    BEAROSWINGS
    Yup that's how we do it. Mind you someday the bar eats you but in general it all works out in the great circle jerk of life.

    When is the last time that you ate a Bear Claw?

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  33. FAMULUS
    Now I happen to know that you are made of sterner stuff and -5 is for pussies...that ain't cold.

    While making "it" with snowmen is not without it's charms might I remind you that it is still illegal to perform acts of frightfulness with a snowperson if you are within 50 metres of a School or Retirement Home.

    MJ
    You do bring up an interesting point but it's the hand-count by the picture of Monica that you should have noticed.
    ONE!
    HELLO!

    BEAROSWINGS
    Yeah yeah yeah I have an uncle in Dallas so I heard all about it..actually ma Mere will be there in a week so then I'll have to hear about it for more two months!
    That's Farenheit right?

    GHOSTY
    What did you do to the Internet? Gee I hope you didn't break it.

    OLD KNUDEY-TOOTY
    HAHAHA!
    First of all I have never heard of anyone wanking to Celine..outside of Quebec anyway..and secondly I am not a racist. I am equally invigorated by the sight of black Bear bottoms.

    I am a little concerned that you know why Cnadian Bears assume the position..HAHAHA!

    MUTLEY
    Germans of course can handle cold..they make up the second largest demographic in this city..I myself carry 1/4 German DNA and 1/4 Swedish, so half of me could give a rat's ass how cold it gets. Unfortunately the other 50% of my DNA is Belgian and it's all in my lower half so my ass is always freezing.

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  34. ZIGGI
    Global warming is a myth..it is getting warmer in places that are already warm but I see no sign of things improving here? It's quite discouraging really.

    I was hoping by the time I retired that the middle of North America would return to being a Tropical inland sea again. Then I wouldn't have to move South.

    STACE
    Thank you for reminding me to find the good in all situations...it did work didn't it.
    What is a Temperate climate? This is supposed to be a temperate climate..doesn't that just mean that we have temperatures?

    SARAH PALIN
    HAHA! You should be at home gettin' ready to be a Granny and planning your daughter's shotgun wedding?
    Do you shoot Polar Bears from choppers too or just Wolves?

    Alaskan men don't need to snuggle up with Polar Bears with all those cheap Russian Whorehouses nearby..
    you can prolly see them from your house!
    *wink..good one

    LULU
    I am delighted to make your acquaintance. Having read of your 12th century hardscrabble life in the wilds of France I suspect that you and the other miserable are too scrawny for the bears to eat.

    I suppose les Ours en France demande la-di-da cafe au lait et les biscuits de fantaisie?

    Please give my regards to Simon..I loved Duran Duran.


    LULU
    Now I don't even want to know where you get your information about Cuttlefish? It ain't from Animal Planet that's for sure...but a man can get lonely out there.

    You know that they are CuTTlefish not CUDDLEfish right?

    SCRATCHY
    Yes but only boybots have them ya silly goose...they are right by their hardwire.

    NATIONS
    I'm sorry.
    I can post about my Mom's Berry preserves next week?

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  35. "Incredibly and delightfully innane. A must view for any blogging fan outside Winterpeg."

    --WW, New York Times

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  36. LMAO, what a cool way to play with polar bears...tongue tied to say the least (winks)

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  37. HAHAHAHAHAHA look at ur snow beard!!!

    Keshi.

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  38. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temperate_climate

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  39. Would warm hugs from India help you thaw?


    May be reading frenzied entropies did that already?!

    Wot say?

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  40. I came from Gautami's...

    Your comments at Gautami's and Firebird's brought a smile in me..and wanted to visit you..

    here I see some interesting cool stuff :)

    Good reading you..

    wishes,
    devika

    ps: I am often taken to new blogs seeing the way they comment at other blogs I see them...:))

    I have said at Gautami's that I watch people closely-- being a writer, i consider it my job...But I try not to let strangers know that I watch them, so as to make them feel uncomfortable...and, if I can, I tell them of my readings --is that creepy??

    I think people like that straightforwardness..that had been my experience :)

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  41. i broke the internet. i did. either that or its frozen shut. grrr. :(

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  42. What I do with my snowmen in the privicy of my own public park is my business...

    Now, Mr Coppens, where have you been visiting that has got you all these people of the Asian Persuasion visitng you? Huh?

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  43. WW
    My Word!
    I am relieved that the NY Times has finally seen fit to recognise the true charm of modern day Canadiana.

    If you live long enough you get to see it all eh?

    CAZZIE
    I'll have you know that I risked life and limb to take that snapshot...it wasn't a desperate ploy to simply advertise my new contraption or to get into National Geographic..
    honest.

    KESHI
    I'll have you know that I risked life and limb to take that snapshot..as soon as I took those pictures in the frigid minus 30 air..which is really really really cold, my camera froze to my hand and I had to be Medi-Vac'd by Helicopter to a Hospital near the Equator to unthaw as we say here in Whateverpeg.

    STACE
    You are a Dear..to tell the truth, I am actually aware of the various climatic zones I was only joshing..however if you have any info on the errogenous zones I would be forever in your debt.

    GAUTAMI
    Yes that steamy innuendic romp got my blood circulating to my sub continent. Entropy is a fabulous metaphor for measuring the collision of Humans Being.

    DEVIKA
    Creepy? It's called lurking and I have a few..there are ways to see who is lurking. I'm glad that you have found my vapid pronouncements entertaining.

    I love commenting..unfortunately I am prone to leave long wordy excessive exasperating rants or egregious exagerated edicts that make other bloggers regret that I dropped by.

    You may be my next victim congratulations!

    GHOSTY
    You DID break the Interwebs! I warned you not to experiment with your P39 Earth Modulator...you better phone the Inventor of the Internet and apologise..
    I'll e-mail Al Gore's #.

    FAMULUS
    Here in Canada, Sir, we make acts of beastliness with snowpersons everybody's business! Do not test the patience of our beloved Mounties..they always get their man!

    I'm sort of a big deal in the Asian (HA!)community because world famous poet and writer, Gautami Tripathy, who I sycophantically adore, is my longest (I almost said oldest) commentor and secret admirer.

    She began chastising my work years ago in a valiant effort to make a real writer out of me..having since abandoned her Quixotic quest to smooth out my rough edges, she simply uses me to point out what NOT to do to others who actually have potential.

    I of course understand that negative attention is still attention and do not attempt to dissuade her practice.

    In a nutshell, for years now I have shamelessly hung on to her coat-tails in a desperate plea to get noticed. As you can see, it's finally paying off.

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  44. Well, if acts of beastliness with snowpersons is something that everyone has an interest in, then you must have very robust snowpersons, that is all I can say...

    Obviously, I shall have to invest a little time snooping around that part of the globe myself if I too wish to become more than just a punctuation mark in the interweb thingy.

    ReplyDelete
  45. Hi Donn,

    I have a request :)

    I am already a 'victim' of so many...I do not really know how much more I would stand to survive myself :)

    anyways, my request would be to be a bit simple with the English words that you use..because even in this reply I had to refer two words again...

    Even if I have come across such difficult words -- every time I need to refer...because I confuse them with other words :))

    that may sound simple..but its not that a simple thing to me.:)

    Rest, you are always welcome :)

    wishes,
    devika

    ReplyDelete
  46. Donn and Famulus: check out this! Now that is a snowman! Er... snowwoman... Not in Canada, but Maine is just a stone's throw from the border.

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  47. Eh, Donn, whooor, eh? I bet I do "it" with her and you (the local school, OAP home) or even the cops wouldn't even notice I'd been there.

    I like big women, don't you know...

    And look at the branches on 'er, eh?

    Cooooor.

    ;-)

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  48. Poor bear! You're mean! And stop stalking THE MONICA!!!!

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  49. Its cold and off/on rain/snow here in NYC and our polar bears be in the zoo

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  50. MINUS FRIGGIN 30
    Thats awesome
    Can I have the bear skin , it would look lovely in front of my fire

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  51. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erogenous_zone

    ;)

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  52. Brrrrr... love your story-telling, photography, and photoshop skills!! JP/deb

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  53. 54 comments! You must be God Blogger so I'm not going to bother. Except to say that I was never so glad to see the torrential rains of Vancouver than I am now. Enjoy the cold! :)

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  54. I actually went looking for some bearclaws, and found some delicious ones at a bakery! I hadn't had any in long time, and this post motivated to get some!

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  55. You are hilarious!

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  56. FAMULUS
    Most acts of frightfulness upon persons of snow are the direct result of avoiding a real live girl due to social awkwardness or acting out the frustration of being involved with someone who we used to call being frigid...
    yes, one can taste the irony.

    Mercifully, new legislation is in the works because as Canadians we feel that it is wrong to impose outdated Victorian ideas of "NORMALCY" on others.

    DEVIKA
    Surely you jest? You are an educated person no doubt exposed to the scribblings of Kipling and Shakespeare.

    Plus you are a writer and words are your ammunition. You and I both need to learn a new word every single day. We Colonials may try to escape the sinister injection of BBC proper Queen's Anglysche into our curricular cranuiums but it is an exercise in futility.

    Try to imagine yourself sipping Tea in Hyde Park in 1789 and just start typing...
    just let it happen...

    Okay I can just talk like this but that won't do either of us any favours...
    notice the U in favours?

    PONITA
    That's just weird but you certainly have Famulus all in a tizzy. I think he thinks that that is a dare? You had better double-dare him fast before he says dares go first infinity.

    FAMULUS
    Ponita double-dares you!?

    REBECCA
    Poor Bear? A Polar Bear is the most dangerous Bear in the world. You know that documentary Grizzly Man about Tim Treadwell who lived amongst Grizzlies for 12 summers? Well nobody will EVER make a Polar Man movie because they wouldn't last 12 minutes!

    Monica keeps leading me on with her telepathic teasing and innuendo? I'm serious!

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  57. BREAKERSLION
    A-HA! That was staged right here in Whateverpeg in March of 69 and then they pretended to land on the Moon that Summer. Pffft
    Hello! Look at that flag flappin out in outer space where there isn't any flippin' wind...
    it's always windy here!

    DARYL
    Madame. I regret to inform you that our dear zoomate Debbie the Polar Bear was put out of her misery earlier this year. She will be remembered in the Guiness book as the oldest bear in history..
    tru dat I ain't playin' whicha?

    BEAST
    I don't suppose that you can promise me that acts of beastliness will NOT be performed upon said Bearskin Rug?

    It is white you know? Not easy to keep clean. Can I interest you in a Black Bear rug or giant Beaver skin? Far easier to care for...half price 'til Valentine's Day?
    Call me.

    STACE
    HAHAHA you're funny! What are they goin' on about ears? What do ears have to do with errogenous zones? Maybe you typed in ERRORogenous zones?

    You're supposed to listen or what?
    Are you sure that how you spell it? Ears? Really? Ears?

    JP/DEB
    How are you doing? I am delighted to see you oot & aboot here in Winterpeg. Yes it is cold and people say BUT IT's A DRY COLD! which drives me crazy because it's still 4o below!

    When I am Mayor i will enact legislation which forbids anyone from casually mentioning that it's a DRY cold. Honestly!

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  58. ANDREA
    HUH? Do you have any idea how bloody long it takes me to create a new profile and avatar and then dream up a new blog and posts just to fake these comments?

    EROSMITH
    MMMM
    OK but don't blame me when your Doctor is roto-rootering your arteries and lecturing you on the nutritional value of Bearclaws.

    MS SMACK
    G'day! I am always delighted to make a new friend from downunda. Have a lash at one of my posts under Austrailyer forEVAH in my archives. I am so there mate!
    Welcome aboard.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Hi Donn,

    I am certainly sure of what I said. I am an educated person exposed to all prominent writers...

    But I like writing simple English and talk to the common man...who occassionally may look the dictionary for a word meaning..to add some value...

    Yeah, I do come across new words and learn -- but as said they don't stay with me for long and then I confuse it with other similar sounding words...slightly dyslexic, you know :)

    "Try to imagine yourself sipping Tea in Hyde Park in 1789 and just start typing...
    just let it happen..." -- I am presently working for a comprehensive review of a Russian author...a ghostwrite project...after that I will try to get started with my imaginations...

    But frankly, Mughal Garden,
    New Delhi -2009 is a dream sometimes; wonder how I'll manage Hyde Park- 1789 --
    I run short of time these days for even my imaginations :)

    anyway, that was kind favour with words :)

    when I write for US clients, I have to use the Word spell-check two times :)

    wishes,
    devika

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  60. Dear Sir,

    I will have you know that I do not stoop so low as dares. I was merely doing scientific research. I had my equipment with me and everything. I shall even write up the test results soon, with full background, case studies and commentary.

    Unfortunately I am unable to tell you the name of the publication that is interested in my work at this stage due to several legal challenges by Old People Homes and Schools.

    I am glad to note that the days of Victorian values are melting away in Canada... Although under those dresses, well, that might be a subject for another of my research projects...

    Yours,

    Colonel Oft Misunderstood (Mrs)

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  61. Is that what you baited the bear with?
    Frozen Whiskas?

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  62. What a fabulous posting! And what a fabulous product - I think it may have legs.

    Hope you enjoyed your roast bear dinner on Christmas Day HE.

    Laura x

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  63. Yep I'd also like to know what the bear snapped up as it obviously turned its nose up at the whale tongue.

    And I haven't heard of any of those bands either. One of these days I'll borrow someone's usb record player and do the same. But what a cool present that was!

    ReplyDelete

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