Thursday, October 23, 2008

ESCAPING THE MENTAL MASTURBATORIUM

Each of us lives out our lives in our heads.











We are trapped in this gigantic asylum that may look grandiose and impressive from the outside, but inside, it's a madhouse that is owned and operated by the inmates.
Most of us would like nothing better than to stay in here where it is warm, dry, and attendents with protective headgear and large batons deliver our meals on a semi-regular basis. It could be worse.



Naturally we are all subjected to similar inconveniences from envisioning our delusions of grandeur by tedious, intrusive, obligations such as schooling, making acquaintances, and dying. For the most part, however, it is a solitary endeavour that involves naval gazing and deciphering the ulterior motives of our Creator(s) and captors.



Imagine then for a moment, that you were rudely awakened from this comfortable internment only to discover that you were surrounded by others. Suddenly your little world is in tatters and your cosmology is all askew.

So it is with my awakening. I find myself surrounded with other sojourners in the blogosphere trying to make some sense of it all. Each of us fumbling about in the dark corridors in search of some answers to the same questions that haunt us all...


why do men retain superfluous nipples?

is Lindsay Lohan really ghey?

why is an Orca called a Killer Whale if it's a Dolphin?

is it elitist to still refer to Zimbabwe as Rhodesia?

where exactly is the f*cking Grafenberg spot?

was Elvis really seen shopping at Walmart?

what if L Ron Hubbard wasn't a raving lunatic?

why did the Vikings hate Newfoundland so much?

why did the Millenium start in 2000 if there wasn't a Year Zero?

how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?

if brains were dynamite could you blow your mind?

why do rappers need to act like misogynistic megalomaniacs?

what if god wasn't one of us?

would Adam have had a belly button if he was created?

is Monica Bellucci blocking my e-mails or is it her lawyers?



We're all in this together, there is no early parole for good behavior.


Let's face it.

Once you start Blogging,

you can check out any time you like,

but you can never leave.


Were you ever informed of this..

I didn't think so?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HO

HO

HEE...

there, there, that's better!

23 comments:

  1. Monica Bellucci11:29 PM

    I would like to suck on your superfluous nipples whilst pondering how much of your wood I could chuck.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Watch that Bellucci woman.

    She'll have you fumbling about in her dark corridors.

    ReplyDelete
  3. ... because some women like to play with them

    ... who really cares?

    ... just to be different?

    ... no, it's just a sign of memory loss

    ... in the middle of Grafenberg

    ... yes, on Saturday, stocking up on socks and shorts

    ... then we are all in a heap of trouble

    ... it reminded them too much of home

    ... someone miscounted, obviously

    ... none, because he can't

    ... I prefer someone else to do that for me

    ... do we really care?

    ... he's not... he's Q

    ... uh... no... but then his belly would look weird, don't you think? I now have two... maybe I could give him one

    ... it's the lawyers... she actually wants you... real bad...

    ReplyDelete
  4. they're fun to tweak


    who is Lindsay Lohan?

    advertising

    just ignorance

    who knows

    nope

    what makes you think he was?

    they hated everyone

    How d'you know there wasn't? There is always a year 0 or were you born at 1?

    about 6745

    not even the dust off it

    because they are

    which god?

    we are all created, he was no different.

    no, that's your wife.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Vikings hated Newfoundland? I just thought their visas were up.?!?!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Interesting qns from an interesting brain!


    **Let's face it.
    Once you start Blogging, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

    OMG I said the same thing in a post long time ago!

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I call it Zimbabwe Rhodesia and as for being an elitist I'm a fallen angel it cums with the territory.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Donn, I decided to take some time and do a little research to finally answer these questions that've plagued mankind since last month.

    Why do men retain superfluous nipples?

    In case they need to produce breast milk, of course! And what other fleshy protuberance on the trunk should be pierced with jewelry?

    Is Lindsay Lohan really ghey?

    Actually, she's a redhead, although the crotchless pics of her show no carpets to compare to the drapes.

    Why is an Orca called a Killer Whale if it's a Dolphin?

    Because no one wants to pay money to see Shamu the friendly dolphin.

    Is it elitist to still refer to Zimbabwe as Rhodesia?

    Only if we refer to it's citizens as Rodents.

    Where exactly is the f*cking Grafenberg spot?

    Right next to the organ that tells women not to freak out about raised toilet seats.

    Was Elvis really seen shopping at Walmart?

    He stopped at the in store McDonald's first. Then later, he was at the self checkout to pay for his bananas and peanut butter.

    What if L Ron Hubbard wasn't a raving lunatic?

    Even without the glow sticks and house music, he'd still be a lunatic.

    Why did the Vikings hate Newfoundland so much?

    Because they knew eventually, they'd be neighbors with Quebec.

    Why did the Millenium start in 2000 if there wasn't a Year Zero?

    Because they couldn't find a smart Asian--any Asian--to make the first calendar. The Asians were too busy building a wall and preparing for the Beijing Olympics.

    How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?

    Depends on how much the woodchuck drank and whether it had beer before liquor.

    If brains were dynamite could you blow your mind?

    Depends on which head I'm thinking with and how flexible I can be.

    Why do rappers need to act like misogynistic megalomaniacs?

    Because they're in the closet and have very small penises.

    What if god wasn't one of us?

    Then it's good news for us! Someone with more brains and compassion than all of humanity.

    Would Adam have had a belly button if he was created?

    He would if his Creator made him one.

    Is Monica Bellucci blocking my e-mails or is it her lawyers?

    It's the Matrix. The latest updated version has caused a loss of data, like email addresses and blog comments. Be advised, the Matrix is aware of these problems and are working to resolve these issues. Please visit the help groups for any other questions, or notify the Matrix by filling out a report that follows the help links.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I haven't wondered about any of those burning questions, but OH I KNOW about not being able to escape blogging! Even for a DAY!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Damn, that's a good post. Now I have the endless guitar solo from Hotel California stuck in my head...
    I still call Myanmmar 'Burma' and am prone to ranting about the jolly old Belgian Congo- does this make me an elitist or am I just stuck in the past? Perhaps the answer lies in a Jethro Tull song.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh, for the love of all things unholy.... like I didn't have enough sh*t clouding up my unpeaceful solitude....

    Now this... more insane questions that will haunt me in my slumber.

    Thanks alot, Donn.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hm... maybe that one that goes... "Really don't mind if you sit this one out...". Yeah you got it, Thick as a brick.

    I havent' found the answers to your burning questions, Donn.

    But it's true, I'm also stuck in Hotel Caliblogging. It's addictive, but soooo funny and amazing, that I'm glad there's no cure for this. ;))

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sorry, I forgot to show my face.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The answer is 'Yes' and 'pink with tassles' . . this seems to work for me.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  15. I don't think the Vikings hated Newfoundland as much as God did/does/would do.

    If he/she/it/whatever that wasn't the case they would have better weather and not be disabled by the freaky accent.

    As for why rappers need to act like misogynistic megalomaniacs? Well that one's even easier. Simply because they have to be good at something afterall they can't sing or act. Or talk properly.

    ReplyDelete
  16. ha ha ha ha hah ahah ha ha!!!

    You are so right!

    BTW, tell me when you find the answer to "how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?"

    I've been trying to find that answer for like, 40 years!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. i'm afraid to find what's in your brain.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I can stop blogging anytime I want to. That's right, I only do it because it pleases me. I've already stopped ranting, so that proves I can control myself. No, those were NOT rants......they were...ah.....you know...superfluous thingabobs......yea......them things........

    Men have nipples?

    ReplyDelete
  19. That's a lot of questions... and the answer to most of them is, "Who really cares?" :) Although the speculation can still be fun.

    ReplyDelete
  20. The answer to these and every other question is "9".

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh Donn, enough enough enough! These very questions that you ask are what drives mankind in his search for the one answer that answers all questions, or should that be the one question that questions all answers.

    ReplyDelete

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