Wednesday, June 18, 2008

A 'GUY'DE TO REVELATIONS

My six year old son informed us that he FINALLY found out what the ‘F’ word was courtesy of a Grade Sixer.

He can check that off of the list of personal 'GUY' Revelations.

It was inevitable.

There are many more to come.

The First Revelation is a light bulb moment that ‘Guys’ have is that we are not merely an extension of our Mother’s Breast, we are a separate entity. WTH?

The Second one is that it will take us more than a decade to get our hands on another decent set of boobs!

The Third Revelation: 1-1,000
concerns a series of cause and effect principles which we finally start to figure out around 999…stuff like...

if I stick my finger up the Dog’s Wazoo, I shall receive a swift retaliatory chomp on my hand, gravity is a bitch, and my head is not made out of iron,
OW F*CK THAT HURTS!

Revelations 4: 1-100
Involves interpersonal relationships with other toddlers. We discover that other guys who scream and make a complete ass of themselves in a shopping mall, either get rewarded with ice cream or screamed at by their Mom..
a-ha, girls are unpredictable so there is a 50-50 chance that you'll get what you want if you beg, whine, or have a fit.

Revelations 5:1-50
Generally reveals the basics about dealing with other (dumbass) males.
No matter what you say or do, some guys will steal your lunch money, your bike, your girlfriend, and a few will punch you in the nose just because they are complete assholes..
this will remain constant throughout your entire life.

Revelations 6:1-2
Some of the girls at school will think that you are the greatest thing since sliced bread, BUT the ones that you like, loathe every molecule in your body..
this too will remain fairly constant.

Revelations 7:1-500
Around the age of 12, you discover that you have a second, much more powerful ‘brain’ in your swimsuit area that makes you jump off of garage roofs and ride your bike into parked cars if there are girls around..it is a merciless taskmaster that will get you into all kinds of trouble with your friends..who you will betray in a heartbeat if there are girls around.

Revelations 8:1-10
Your first girlfriend will not be your last girlfriend, neither will your second or 23rd…you start to wonder what is WRONG with all of these girls? Why don’t they want to do all of the things that your second brain is commanding you to do?

And why-0h-why-oh-why do the ones who DO what you want to DO to them, always have enough emotional baggage to fill a 747, an inordinate affection for firearms, and atleast five big badass brothers?

Revelations 9:1
By the time that men are in their early 80s, they eventually start to realize that every woman that they see may NOT actually be interested in having sexual reltions with them..right there on the spot
..Hmm, maybe with a little coaxing they will come around.

Revelations 10:1-20
It finally becomes self evident that Monica (*bites hand) Bellucci may not be breaking into your bedroom in the middle of the night begging you to satisfy her uncontrollable animal lust…


and then you die D'OH!

Here endeth today's lesson.


56 comments:

  1. Thanks sir, for this lesson. I am not 6 years old, nor am I a male. However, it might make me understand the dumbass male better. All those pea-brained ones, you know.

    However, as my teacher, you are off the hook.

    PS: *batting my beautiful eye lashes* Can I ask you for a date, sir?)

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  2. Donn, I come over here for intellectual stimulation. Food for though, ya know?

    And never once... have I been let down.

    This was an inside look, broken down to the point that we females may better understand where you boys are coming from.

    The dumbest thing a boy ever did around me was to jump off of the Cheveron Pier in Carpenteria into the breaking waves just to prove he could.

    All he proved was that not only was he brave, but that he had ZERO depth perception and broke his leg in 2 places as the tide was out and the water was shallow...

    Revelations. Indeed, sir.

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  3. Donn. I am sorry to hear all of that, totally and completely contrary to all of my experience.
    Scurra. Babe magnet. Adonis. Charisma incarnate.

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  4. What's freaky is how many of these revelations continue to apply, maturity never making any difference. I remember my first sexual (sort of) revelation when my neighbour Penny dropped her pants. Up to that point, being a sister of only brothers, I thought I was unique. I'm still disappointed. :) To take care of that disappointment I need to open the door before Clive Owen breaks it down.

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  5. Donn, thanks for having enough brains upstairs to explain about the other brain downstairs and it's influence on the male of our species. Some of your gender have absolutely NO brain upstairs so the other one is totally in control at all times.

    The amazing thing, at least to me, is that there is still usually some girl out there who will love that guy anyway..... My preference is for an even balance between the two, I think.

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  6. GAUTAMI
    Get thee behind me temptress!
    It's hard enough keeping Bellucci at bay..I'm only human.

    CATSCRATCH DIVA
    HAHAHA! The 'seemed like a good idea at the time' exploits of your dumbass showoff is exactly the sort of confirmation that this expose required.

    VICUS
    I certainly meant no disrespect to you good Sir. Surely by now you are well aware that guys like you and Clooney make Life miserable for the rest of us.

    ANDREA
    Awesome story about your neighbour..
    and here I thought that those kind of experiences only happened in College!

    You are special!
    Perhaps you need to revisit The 'HooHaa' Monologues to celebrate your uniqueness.

    Unfortunately age is NOT a factor and this condition is terminal.

    PONYGIRL
    You are welcome.
    As they say, "there's a Lid for every Pot" and "an Ass for every Saddle".

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  7. good lord I didn't think you men took life so seriously although unlike Andrea and only having sisters I was a tad surprised at the unclothed male. I don't think falling about laughing did anything for his confidence or performance - mind you I still find willies funny.

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  8. Crying in public is power for kids.

    Getting dragged out of the store kicking and screaming by your neck hairs by your mother is worth it.

    Eventually you'll get your way. Just stick it out.

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  9. I have a vague memory of seeing my Dad naked in the middle of night when he got up to use the bathroom, but I have two brothers too so was more surprised at the 'size' than the appearance, I think!

    The dangly bits men have ARE funny, Ziggi! I once spent a weekend at a nudist camp (many years ago, it was a family camp [no singles allowed] and yes, I was nekkid too) where everyone played volleyball. Now THAT was a hoot to watch! I don't know how it didn't hurt.....

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  10. Wow, Donn Thanks for this useful guYde.

    There must be a guide -not gUYde- to women's revelations as well, but most men have already declared their inability to learn them, because -paraphrasing- 'women are the most unpredictable beings on earth'. Hm. Maybe.

    Hence the well known, funny and enjoyable war of the sexes.

    Guys are much more simple -two brains, one of them can rest while the other works, that must be very comfortable!-. Cool.

    My wonderful dream: Jude Law and his second brain break into my bedroom in the middle of night some day. I leave the door open, just in case! hahahaha.

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  11. Your dog chomps with its wazoo????? What breed is it?

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  12. After all that we........we...........DIE?

    Well DAMN!

    Might as well be cicadas............sheesh.......

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  13. He's growing up, huh.

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  14. Am I the only woman who hasn't had Vicus?

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  15. A word to you about Revelations 9:1...

    Recently a friend's relative gave me a hug goodbye and felt me up as he was doing so.

    He's 91!

    My friend, outraged at the old man's behaviour, said to him, "What did you do THAT for?"

    The old fella replied, "Well look at her. She's BUILT!"

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  16. I haven't had Vicus.

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  17. You're always a treat to read HE.

    Congrats to your son on figuring out the F word. It's a great word to have in your vocabulary. I don't care what anyone says. Sometimes, it needs to be said - or yelled.

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  18. how long have you been suspecting monica of breaking in to your room at night and etc? if it hasn't been her all this time, then who HAS it been?

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  19. i don't have any clue where it comes from,,, but i love your thought process.....

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  20. haha!

    ok I know why the Male species is so cranium-deprived - SOMETIMES. :) Cos most of em think with their 'Richard's.

    Keshi.

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  21. "it will take us more than a decade to get our hands on another decent set of boobs!"

    and then another 6 or 7 decades later and you men will develop a small facsimile of them on your own, maybe not decent, but all is not lost before you die.

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  22. Not to worry Donn...I'm still here. Just a little burnt out but I will be back. Work is kicking my butt!!!!!

    ;o)

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  23. I had a similar experience to the one MJ described. The man was in his 70s and we were at his son's (he committed suicide) funeral! My husband and I expressed our condolences to him. He just stared at me and said something about my lips being luscious and him having a difficult time keeping his hands off of me and not thrusting his tongue down my throat - at least I think he said tongue. I asked if there was a private back room - what was I supposed to say in a situation like that?!

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  24. Oh... and I haven't had Vicus either, but life ain't over yet.

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  25. and there was me thinking it was all normal and an everyday occurence.........

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  26. ZIGGI
    You laughed at your first willy?!
    OUCH! Although if he was young enough the hornymones were still at maximum capacity and he prolly thought meh? where were we?.giggity giggity giggity!

    And yes we are very serious creatures HA!

    PONYGIRL
    A family Nudie camp? No singles?
    I can say without fear of contradiction, that the last people on Earth that I would ever want to see nekkid, would be my family.

    I've been to a nudie beach unfortunately the people there were seriously losing the battle with gravity and their latest fad diet...just as well because I forgot my salt peter.


    LENI
    You have no idea what a relief it is to have an extra brain on standby. This explains why we are such risk takers.

    Jude Law eh? Great choice because you know that he is not averse to gettin' some on the side...
    unlike most men...HAHAHAHAHA!

    GORDIE
    The kind that Jen-ny's Gramma had at her trailor..Forrest said that it was a mean ole dawg!

    THE MICHAEL
    The cicadas only get to do it every 17 years and then die..which is prolly not that unusual for a lot of fellers.

    How about a bedtime story..
    This is the epic tale about a boy Salmon who after living a life of wreckless abandon out in the open sea without a care in the world and then he overcomes a myriad of life threatening obstacles to return to the very spot where his pappy and mammy spawned...
    and then he died and his corpse was eaten by a mean ole Bear.

    Good Night Sleep Tight.

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  27. SPENTRAILS
    Yes he is and he knows that he is not allowed to say the F word because it is so rude.
    I know that you're waiting for me to say something like I am so f*cking proud of him but I won't do it because this is a classy upscale boutique type blog.

    Your new Avatar is fabulous!

    MJ
    So, you're 'built' eh? Did the ole guy mention anything else...
    because that line usually ends with brick sh*thouse.

    Anyway he is right..hey I get to use Groucho's line again, what a setup...
    you're only as old as the woman you feel!
    Yippee!

    GORDIE
    You're young there is still time but you may not be Vicus'ssss type.
    Let me ask you one simple question..
    Do you look exactly like Goldie Hawn did in the 60s?
    If not, you can forget about having the Scurrilous Vicuna..
    that ship has sailed!

    ANONOXYRIBONUCLEIC BLOGGER
    Yes that is certainly true my friend but in Grade One..
    not so much.

    Glad to see that you are oot & aboot!

    FIRST NATIONS
    I'm not sure who is sneaking into my room at night but she sure feels just like I imagined that she would feel..that feels weird just saying that out loud...ahem..
    I'll prolly pay for this one.

    Anyway if it isn't Bellucci then GO ME!

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  28. PAISLEY
    I know exactly where it comes from but I can't tell you because I promised all of the voices that I wouldn't talk about them out here.

    They said that if I did they would stop giving me posting ideas..oh and my delusions of grandeur which I have really come to enjoy..no, seriously, I mean once you start thinking about world domination you just can't stop..

    Sorry, they said that I've already said too much, gotta go, bye!

    KESHIROO
    Richards?! a-ha a new slang term for the wanger. How is it 'pranounsed in Strine'?

    "Blawdy 'ell Mate oy've snagged me Rich-harrrd in this blawdy sheep and now oy'll be blawdy late fa skewl!"

    My Word what a terrible stereotyping...HA!

    ELLEN
    My dear it doesn't take 6 or 7 decades for men to grow a set of 'moobs'...HA
    try about 6 or 7 months after High School!

    Don't laugh.
    That's true!

    JILLIE
    I'm glad that you're OK..too bad that you are so busy..and if you didn't have an important job I would say skip out and come have some fun...BUT you do.

    I'll see ya when I see ya..thanks for checking in.

    ANNA
    Gadzooks that sounds like a scene right out of Six Feet Under!
    You cheeky little devil did you really ask if there was a back room?
    That is so TOTALLY AWESOME!
    High Five!

    You have a much better chance of carving a notch on Vicus'sss bedpost than Gordie does..

    I'm sorry Gordie but let's face it, look at Anna, she is HOT and whisperwhisperSCHWINGwhisperwhisper so don't feel bad.

    STEVE
    Believe it or not it is a normal everyday occurence for some men..maybe one man..

    personally I don't know of any but whose to say that it couldn't happen? I mean out of 3 .3 Billion men on the planet you gotta think that one guy is..HEFNER!
    That's it Hugh Hefner, case closed.

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  29. Wow! I have seen the other side and now I understand...

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  30. RANDOM CHICK
    How are you going to keep them down on the farm once they’ve seen Paris? And I don't mean Hilton.

    Male Human Men are a finely tuned and well tweaked marvel of evolutionary engineering.
    It's not nice to fool Mother Nature by trying to be sensitive Cosmo-cultured wishy-washy doormats so I say just put all of the cards on the table and see what happens.

    It's not as if you didn't already know all of this stuff anyway.

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  31. how you're doing?



    ........

    how you're doing?

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  32. Yeah I set you up for that.

    We gotta take this show on the road.

    We'll kill 'em in Des Moines.

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  33. i totally forgot everything you said because of monica. you, dear sir, must not be allowed to use dangerous visual aids.

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  34. i'll print this out and teach my boys these life lessons!

    LOL that was hysterical and so true... even a girl can see that ;)

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  35. Funny!

    I hope we never lose touch with the kid in each of us, still be able to do the adult stuff, hell yeah...but always keep the fun.

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  36. MISTI
    You gotta get that Joey Tribiani edge to it..

    How YOU doin'?

    MJ
    Let's do it!
    I'll be the 'straight' man
    ar ar ar!

    {ILLYRIA}
    Hey You!
    No kidding...Is SHE the living end or what? If you took all of the perfect molecules and threw them in a mixer...VOILA!

    No, Seriously, if they ever start cloning people I have one simple request...to live on Planet Bellucci!

    *picks jaw off of the table

    SWEETS
    And some day your sons will thank you..if you can give them a heads-up at the getgo then they will be ahead of the 'curves'..
    ha-ha *snort

    SIENNA
    You can just come right out and say that I am soooo immature. I won't be offended.
    I'm practising for my second childhood anyway..seems easy enough...all that you have to do is say what you really mean..which makes me wonder why we spend our adult lives masking our true intentions? Who decided that?

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  37. Donn...

    You are cordially invited to Random Chick's BitchFest 2008. Please come along and bitch with us!

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  38. This post is full of insights...

    Early on, it provides two additional lightbulb moments and ends with two half-lightbulb moments.

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  39. RANDOM CHICK
    Ooh yeah! My new favorite phrase is Let's Hug It Out Bitch!...if I can't use that at Bitchfest where can I use it?
    I am so there.

    BLINDED BY THE LIGHT
    Mais oui monsieur Chevalier..
    thank heaven for leetle girls who look like MB eh? A seemingingly perfect arrangement of DNA code n'est ce pas?

    I hope that is what you were referring to..I'm too dense to catch anything deeper. HA!

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  40. No, you are very cool, and along with the great humor is that bit of anguish that makes ya go....ooooooh...yeah I get this...

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  41. ROFLOL! Oh how true! All of it!

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  42. Pam (Sienna) wouldn't say it, so I will: you're SO immature.

    That would make you what I and 100 per cent of all other males on the planet are.

    And did MJ just say she was well-built? And did Anna really talk about her luscious lips?

    And Keshi about all the Richards she has known? Andrea going on about Clive Owen?

    Ziggi and funny willies?

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  43. I imagine there are people on this thread that have more experience than I: are there any penises that aren't funny?

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  44. Yes, WW. You heard correctly.

    Keep in mind that to a 91-year-old, any woman with a pulse is hot.

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  45. SIENNA
    You are very generous.
    Thanks. Actually this will help me to discover my Blog 'Brand'.
    As much as I hate the idea of getting pigeonholed I am going into my third year without having a recognisable & definable mandate, theme, or schtick...
    or do I?

    ETERNALLY CURIOUS
    Sad but true..every word of it. There must be a reason..I believe that the Creator is female and that this is all an inside joke that went to far. It prolly started out as a prank but the minute she turned her back to fix some other galaxy BAM the males escaped and took off.

    WITHOUT A WILLY
    You are a brave man taunting all of those ladies. We're lucky to have so many tolerant gals in our corner of the blogosphere..actually they make up the vast majority don't they..HEY there's a post!
    It has that whole Women are better communicators thing happening...
    hello?

    Dammit he's already gone and started writing it
    D'OH!

    GORDIE
    All penisii are funny except for those attached to Walrusesss. They mean business because they have REAL boners!
    Males have a 25 inch 'baculum' or penis bone. Now I don't care where you're from, a 25 inch boner is nothing to laugh at!

    MJ
    Don't sell yourself short my Dear I'm sure that even men half his age would still consider you well built..
    anything below that ridge is Cougar territory.

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  46. Heeey you look very cool with your blue glasses! Am I the first one to notice? ;)

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  47. I wasn't taunting. I was just sayin'.

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  48. LENI
    Yeah it may be a little too cool eh? How about this?

    WITHINSKY
    I know I know..jus kiddin' there big guy.

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  49. LENI..
    Maybe something a little artsy?

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  50. I know! How about the guy next door look?

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  51. Maybe I need to try out the young hero brand?

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  52. Ooh! How about the innocent full of wonder retrospective nostalgic thingy?
    Not bad?

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  53. hahahahahahaha!

    Keshi.

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  54. daveyjonesfish10:25 PM

    This covetous obsession with, erm, "wardrobe malfunctions"... I shudder to think where it may lead.
    As luck would have it, my trefoil's
    just back, and freshly re-blocked.
    Avast ye, mateys!

    ReplyDelete

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