Friday, March 14, 2008

QUEST FOR MIRE
It is with a heavy heart that I review 10,000 BC. the first "event' film of 2008.



Imagine if you crammed all of the 'kewl' parts of ONE MILLION YEARS BC, QUEST FOR FIRE, APOCALYPTO, THE FIFTH ELEMENT, and the THE LOST WORLD, into one goofy movie!

Well forget it, the Director of Independence Day and the Day After Tomorrow, Roland Emmerich, already has and he didn't call it The Day Before Tomorrow, he called it


Now as many of you know I am obssessed with Evolutionary Anthropsychology so nobody wanted this film to succeed more than I did. As a diehard Darwinian I am always on the lookout for anything that will help us get in touch with our collective past. I had really-really-really, big, hopes for this film but now that Hollywood caters to 16 year old boys, I should have known better.


The problem is that the DISCOVERY CHANNEL has spoiled us rotten with amazing, breath taking, visual reconstructions of prehistoric life such as the WALKING WITH BEASTS Series. So what the Makers of 10,000 BC forgot, is that the general public has come a long way since 1967 when audiences were asked to suspend their disbelief while a fur bikini clad Raquel Welch ran away from claymation Dinosaurs in One Million Years BC.


Even though Canada's Minister of Public Safety is on record as stating that he believes that Humans and Dinosaurs intermingled, the rest of us have come to terms with the evidential explanation that the two species were separated by 63 Million Years. Sorry Mr. Jetski, but the Flinstonian version of history is a myth and Noah's Floody didn't kill off the Dinosaurs.

Not that there are any Dinosaurs chasing people in 10K BC...wait a minute yes there are there.. the psychotic Velostriches.

I know that it's just an Action/Adventure movie but
come on...


The pretty boy Protagonist and his tribe dwell in the snow covered Alpine Meadows several thousand feet above Sea Level yet somehow don't need to wear 'shirts'? That doesn't say much for modern Mountaineering Nancies who need to bundle up like Astronauts exploring Pluto.
Sticking to the time honored plot of having a messianic protagonist on his quest to rescue his kidnapped 'Juliet' he singlehandidly saves all of mankind.

OK fair enough. I'll be your Huckleberry.

Our pretty boy hero and his shirtless tribe, were just minding their own business EEKING out a living by hunting 'scaredy cat' Mammoths (the size of apartment blocks) by simply crawling into the middle of the herd with big, pointy, sticks and scaring them. BOO!

After the Slavers steal his gal (Apocalypto), our hero and his ragtag posse are on their crusade (Quest For Fire) and somehow manage to walk from Europe to South America in a few days.


Within seconds they are attacked by Terror Birds (Lost World) depicted as 16 foot tall Giant Killer Swamp Chickens on Crack.


In reality these prehistoric monsters were infill predators who ruled the roost during the post-Dinosaur era before the ascension of the killer Mammals like the Sabre Toothed Cats which migrated to South America and ate them.


Next our hero and his posse walk for a few more days and end up on the African Savannah WTF? where he encounters and befriends a Sabre Tooth Cat the size of a Rhinoceros! Nice Kitty.




A few, more, miles down the road and now we're in Egypt (HUH) where they encounter the advanced Humans (could they be Aliens?/Fifth Element) who are starting to build the Pyramids about 7,000 years ahead of schedule. Hmm.

Not only that but they have domesticated those 'pussy' Mammoths and forced them to pull the building blocks up the ramps of the Pyramids. Somebody call PETA!

Our poor hero's tribe don't even have frickin' Dogs!

I won't ruin the whole thing but stick with Quest For Fire and try to ignore the outrageous depiction of the motley Apemen who try to steal their Attra (Fire).


In reality Ten Thousand BC is generally regarded as the benchmark point in History heralding the advent of The Agricultural Revolution that allowed us to abandon the risky, hand to mouth existance of Hunting and Gathering.


From this point forward we exponentially screwed up our lives by developing Cities, Religions, Day Trading, Nuclear Weapons, and Telemarketing.

If you want to learn about History you had best stick with the Discovery Channel.
I leave with some advice for any future Hollywood Directors who are planning on making Prehistoric Epics.

Please listen carefully to the lyrics in The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang...


"You and me baby

ain't nuthin' but mammals

so let's DO IT like they do

on the Discovery Channel."

22 comments:

  1. "Canada's Minister of Public Safety is on record as stating that he believes that Humans and Dinosaurs intermingled."

    A strange evolutionary theory indeed. I knew there'd been a controversy over whether Neanderthals and Homo Sapiens ever intermingled, finally settled by the appearance of George Bush, but frankly, I think your Minister of Public Safety is trying to put one over on you guys. Conjuring up visions of oversized Canadian mutants on the streets of Montreal, Toronto or Winnipeg jostling for space and harming ordinary citizens with their spiky tails… sounds to me like your MPS is just trying to make sure Canadians view his or her position as critical.

    Please note that this sort of thing would not have been tolerated under a Paul Martin administration.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mr Prime Minister,
    Thank You for taking time out of your busy day to comment on my blog.
    Neanderthals, poor devils, never had a chance against us and anybody who watches Survivor will know why...
    We simply cannot be trusted!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I had a bucket of dinosaurs when I was little, and they all played happily with each other, mingling with the farm animals, play-mobile men and brio train sets. AS a result I find it very difficult to get it straight in my head that the horse and the stegosaurus were not best friends who drove trains around delivering milk to local farmers living in the jurassic period (which is of course the only period in which dinosaurs lived - I knew that from Jurassic Park).

    All this aside, I remember seeing the trailer for 1000000000000000BC and thinking 'no discernable storyline, fit dredlocked lead and miscellaneous landscapes: This is just a long episode of prehistoric Natural World.' I was told that the graphics aren't even up to very much either. Shame.

    Steggy and horse would be very upset.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The apes in 'Planet of the Apes' spoke better English than most folk do today.

    This is proof enough that we have not evolved.

    ReplyDelete
  5. the apes know the law of the jungle. we don't.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You should have asked me and I could have told you that this movie was going to be a complete waste of time.
    But you seem to be like me when it comes to things like that. Curiosity gets the best of you when it comes to subject matters that are of interest.

    I bet the special effects were cool though with all that dabbling and stealing from different time periods.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I'm thinking I'm going to skip this one.

    ReplyDelete
  8. thank god at least they got the 'mammoths pulling large stone blocks for the egyptians' thing right. id have been pretty darn dissappointed if they'd left that out.

    sheesh.

    ReplyDelete
  9. How disappointing. I was hoping this would be a good movie and was looking forward to seeing it. Now, not so much.

    ReplyDelete
  10. As a paleogeek, I knew instinctively that I'd hate this travesty of bad science and prehistoric revisionism...besides, everyone knows the world is only 6,000 years old.

    ReplyDelete
  11. hoosierfishy4:57 PM

    That pesky creative license (the cause of the loud, sucking sound)
    gets a real workout, thanks to the
    current batch of cinematographers.
    Long ago, it became obvious that
    at least half of the movie-going public were quite willing to accept
    cavemen, running around (sporting buckets of mango sauce) as routine features of prehistoric scenery. If. Provided that they'd chase poor Raquel... Ursula... or, any of a procession of strapping wenches. I'm sure that they only meant to hand over a plot, or; Hosanna! They had located the rest of her street clothes. The iconic fur bikini suggests a plotline brimming with the promise never to burden the mind, encumbered only accidentally by meaning, seeking only to heave out in a spectacular collapse of all dignity.
    See? If man wasn't supposed to have
    opposable thumbs, then Dog wouldn't
    have created the remote control. For Pete's sake, HE, get with the program! ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  12. You mean we couldn't hike around the entire world in one movie if we wanted to? Darn.........

    ReplyDelete
  13. You wanna pass that rib bone I have something stuck in me teeth!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Such a good post... did you have to ruin it with such a cruddy song at the end? :P

    ReplyDelete
  15. I just found out one of my friends was raped a couple days ago and I don't know what to do. She and my
    brother were 'dating' for a full year, 'took a break' starting the 15th of this month and she was raped a couple days ago by some asshole from her school. I'm just so overwhelmed by the news! I mean, seriously, what can I do? What can I say? She was a virgin and wanted to lose it to my brother. But instead, her first experience was painful and degrading. I'm seriously hoping she'll be okay and let the system send the guy to prison. But at the same time, I want her to be happy. That loops my brother into the problem. He was one of the first to
    know, before her parents even. And I think he feels obligated, like if they were still going out it wouldn't have happened... But.... It's such a big issue! What do I do!!!!!?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Your review lacks stars. You need more stars.

    ReplyDelete
  17. mj,
    You have made an astute observation regarding the poor lagwidge skilz of peepal and i doent no y tha iz?

    misti,
    Ooh Ooh Aah Aah! But Tarzan does. Tarzan teach.

    frank,
    Well yes it is interesting to hop around the dial but all I ask is for a few hours of authentic time travel..why is that so much to ask?
    Why. Why. Why?

    citizen of the world,
    Really? Was it something I said? It does have it's moments but they don't add up to 2 hours worth.

    first nations,
    Finally the voice of reason crying in the wind. You would not be disapointed in their meticulous attention to detail while reconstructing Egypt. A++

    ReplyDelete
  18. anna,
    Thank you for saying Not So Much! I love that phrase.

    allan,
    Right you are and the Intelligent Designers might as well have written this thing. All that was missing was the Floody-Floody and some claymation Dinosaurs...maybe they can sneak a few in the prequel!

    hoosierfishosaurus,
    You had me from loud sucking noise. I need to toss out the little part of my brain that tries to see the best in Movie Makers...I am an enabler..((sob))
    Wow talk about living in de Nile eh?!

    THE michael,
    Well now we can on Google Earth but 10,000 years ago we would have had to borrow the Alien Insect Overlord's Spaceship.

    whitesmoke,
    Quit hoggin' the T-Bone! Use the pterodactyl claw to pick your teeth you lazy bastard.

    stace,
    Ruin it? That song is awesome what are you talking about? It's hilarious! Seriously you don't like that song?

    angel,
    I'll answer at your place...

    local michael,
    My review would have about as many stars as the movie did. zilch.
    That's harsh eh? Even Alison Gilmour (didn't f@$#&% like Titanic) prolly gave it 1/2..
    OK 1/2.

    ReplyDelete
  19. 先っちょのドリル具合がいいって言われたw
    イイ仕事になりそうだし、手術はしばらくヤメとくよヽ(´ー`)ノ
    http://8e8ae.net/chinpre/

    ReplyDelete
  20. Square thingamabobs,
    Sorry I don't speak Squares but thanks for visiting..unless you just said something mean spirited.

    ReplyDelete
  21. angel,
    My apologies for not checking the link...which sang
    YOU ARE AN IDIOT HO-HO-HO-HO

    Very Funny HA-HA-HA-HA-HA

    ReplyDelete
  22. And they didn't manage to get the mad historians pre-diluvian global culture in there somewhere (you know, that guy who believes South American and Egypt and China and North America were all part of one big trading empire, along with Atlantis)

    ReplyDelete

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