It is with a heavy heart that I review 10,000 BC. the first "event' film of 2008.
Imagine if you crammed all of the 'kewl' parts of ONE MILLION YEARS BC, QUEST FOR FIRE, APOCALYPTO, THE FIFTH ELEMENT, and the THE LOST WORLD, into one goofy movie!
Well forget it, the Director of Independence Day and the Day After Tomorrow, Roland Emmerich, already has and he didn't call it The Day Before Tomorrow, he called it
Now as many of you know I am obssessed with Evolutionary Anthropsychology so nobody wanted this film to succeed more than I did. As a diehard Darwinian I am always on the lookout for anything that will help us get in touch with our collective past. I had really-really-really, big, hopes for this film but now that Hollywood caters to 16 year old boys, I should have known better.
The problem is that the DISCOVERY CHANNEL has spoiled us rotten with amazing, breath taking, visual reconstructions of prehistoric life such as the WALKING WITH BEASTS Series. So what the Makers of 10,000 BC forgot, is that the general public has come a long way since 1967 when audiences were asked to suspend their disbelief while a fur bikini clad Raquel Welch ran away from claymation Dinosaurs in One Million Years BC.
Even though Canada's Minister of Public Safety is on record as stating that he believes that Humans and Dinosaurs intermingled, the rest of us have come to terms with the evidential explanation that the two species were separated by 63 Million Years. Sorry Mr. Jetski, but the Flinstonian version of history is a myth and Noah's Floody didn't kill off the Dinosaurs.
Not that there are any Dinosaurs chasing people in 10K BC...wait a minute yes there are there.. the psychotic Velostriches.
I know that it's just an Action/Adventure movie but
The pretty boy Protagonist and his tribe dwell in the snow covered Alpine Meadows several thousand feet above Sea Level yet somehow don't need to wear 'shirts'? That doesn't say much for modern Mountaineering Nancies who need to bundle up like Astronauts exploring Pluto.
Sticking to the time honored plot of having a messianic protagonist on his quest to rescue his kidnapped 'Juliet' he singlehandidly saves all of mankind.
OK fair enough. I'll be your Huckleberry.
Our pretty boy hero and his shirtless tribe, were just minding their own business EEKING out a living by hunting 'scaredy cat' Mammoths (the size of apartment blocks) by simply crawling into the middle of the herd with big, pointy, sticks and scaring them. BOO!
After the Slavers steal his gal (Apocalypto), our hero and his ragtag posse are on their crusade (Quest For Fire) and somehow manage to walk from Europe to South America in a few days.
Within seconds they are attacked by Terror Birds (Lost World) depicted as 16 foot tall Giant Killer Swamp Chickens on Crack.
In reality these prehistoric monsters were infill predators who ruled the roost during the post-Dinosaur era before the ascension of the killer Mammals like the Sabre Toothed Cats which migrated to South America and ate them.
Next our hero and his posse walk for a few more days and end up on the African Savannah WTF? where he encounters and befriends a Sabre Tooth Cat the size of a Rhinoceros! Nice Kitty.
A few, more, miles down the road and now we're in Egypt (HUH) where they encounter the advanced Humans (could they be Aliens?/Fifth Element) who are starting to build the Pyramids about 7,000 years ahead of schedule. Hmm.
Not only that but they have domesticated those 'pussy' Mammoths and forced them to pull the building blocks up the ramps of the Pyramids. Somebody call PETA!
Our poor hero's tribe don't even have frickin' Dogs!
I won't ruin the whole thing but stick with Quest For Fire and try to ignore the outrageous depiction of the motley Apemen who try to steal their Attra (Fire).
In reality Ten Thousand BC is generally regarded as the benchmark point in History heralding the advent of The Agricultural Revolution that allowed us to abandon the risky, hand to mouth existance of Hunting and Gathering.
From this point forward we exponentially screwed up our lives by developing Cities, Religions, Day Trading, Nuclear Weapons, and Telemarketing.
If you want to learn about History you had best stick with the Discovery Channel.
I leave with some advice for any future Hollywood Directors who are planning on making Prehistoric Epics.
Please listen carefully to the lyrics in The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang...
"You and me baby
ain't nuthin' but mammals
so let's DO IT like they do
on the Discovery Channel."