Friday, February 22, 2008

For most of us growing up in a Protestant Church, talking about SEX was uber verboten..except to remind you that it was only 'intelligently designed' for married couples and then at best, a tedious necessity required in order to fill the pews. It was called Procreation.
Now Procreation means that you don't believe in Human Evolution, like Republican Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee ((D'OH!))

Of course this stern prohibition on recreational sex did not apply to the competition. It certainly did not apply to Catholics who were expected to reproduce in rabbit like numbers thanks to the Papal ban on contraception.

Nor was it of any concern to Mormons and Muslims who of course could respectively 'get around' (ha ha) this issue by participating in plural marriages and possesing haremic spousal units consisting of no more than 4 wives that must be treated equally. This is actually more of a evolutionarily accurate system but I'm not goin' there..only fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

The eventual Puritannical pronouncement on the evils of the flesh really put a damper on the carnal pleasures of making love. Many a late night was spent by Deacons feverishly tearing out all of the pages in the Bible containing the inappropriate and incendiary Song of Solomon.
This awe inspiring Book, authored by King Solomon, was a beautifully dedicated and exquisitely written love letter glorifying the mystical scents and sensibilities regarding Romance & SEX.
However the Puritan Revolution made certain that for Centuries to come, Sex and Romance were never spoken of in the same sentence..
Never the twain shall meet so to speak, or the twain might go off the twacks!

This Book was written by a guy who 'knew', yes in the Biblical sense, of which he spoke. King Solomon or Schlomo, is noted for having acquired 700 wives and 300 concubines. Aside from Solomon possessing the Wisdom of Solomon, he also had the supernatural ability to peacefully placate 700 wives, a miracle in and of itself.
Technically, he was making a deposit in a different account every night for 2.74 years. Those figures (ha ha) are defintely NOT the kind of 'speculation' that the nice, church, ladies wanted their husbands to have an 'interest' in.

So now here we are in the 21st Century and memberships in organised religious groups are in decline and being challenged from every corner by seductive-sinful-secular entertainment and scary-soul scorching-scientific rationalism.
What can be done?
Well it just so happens that there is a church near Tampa, Florida, that may have stumbled upon the answer. The Relevant Church, now now, you oxymoronic aficionados control yourselves, as I was saying, The Relevant Church has issued a
outlined HERE on their website.
Yessiree Married Couples commit to make whoopee every day for 30 days and Singles vow to abstain from having sex, I presume with another person, for 30 days. ..unless it is a Seinfeldian 'Master of their Domain' thingamabob?
Here is a photo of the mastermind behind the campaign, Pastor PAUL WITH (Left) with the lucky-little-lady, his wife SUSIE WITH.
Hey who's Susie With? Paul With! No Who's on Third?

Well some of you might be thinking Only in America but to tell you the truth I am quite impressed with this marketing scheme. To combat the 50% divorce rate these pioneers are willing to throw traditionalisms out the stained glass window and fight fire with fire. Say No More nudge nudge wink wink is a lot more fun than Stray No More.

If you can't beat 'em,
join 'em!
(get it?)

Can somebody give me an AMEN!


  1. Amen? I can't imagine how Solomon (aka Schlomo) did it. It's supposed to be so hard to keep one wife happy, even depositing regularly in both her bank account and the other account whereof thou speakest. I can't imagine 700.
    So does your post mean you are FOR organized religion or against it?

  2. Who's gonna organize the Strawberry Socials if all the church ladies are schtumping?

  3. Ahhhh-mennnnnnn, lol. I loved reading this post, as usual you bring reaility to the with those religious people there..."Go for your Life!" Should be plastered on a wall behind them, lol.

  4. I get distracted for a week and what happens? Lord Tennisanyone is gone and now you're on about sex again. Those long winter nights just go on and on, don't they...

    Did you kick him out? I quite liked him, he looked rather odd but said some nice things.

  5. Too bad this preacher limited his challenge to married folks. Of course, if you don't have a partner, you couldn't participate anyway. There will be some hard feelings (no pun intended) next Sunday when all the married folks show up with smug-ass grins on their faces.

  6. Good job he wasn't bi-sexual. Then again don't Kings have those people thattaste their food and perform acts on behalf of a king...

    Now there's a Job i could sink me ****** into!

  7. Good job he wasn't bi-sexual. Then again don't Kings have those people thattaste their food and perform acts on behalf of a king...

    Now there's a Job i could sink me ****** into!

  8. Did I say that twice???
    Must be excited at the thought!

  9. Now that you are back being eigteen, I can't really blame you for thinking of sex.

    Hormones all that, you see.

    I think, you would do well reading poem on passion. Consider it a lesson.


  10. Carmie,
    This post was about the power of the human spirit.
    Yes Carmie the evolutionary drive to reproduce is second only to the impulse to force your will on others, at any cost, and through any means neccesary.

    Brilliant satirical summation. HA You managed to capture so many angles with two simple words.HA!

    I suppose that those Strawberry Socials will just have to wait...but NOTHING is going to stop the Bingo on Wednesday!

    You think that's better than Oh Come all ye faithful.

    Fear Not. Lord Tennisanyone will be back regardless of how certain people feel about him. To answer your question YES this winter does things to your mind..
    terrible things..
    unspeakable things.

    miss cellania,
    Ha Yes one would think that there would be a lot of giggling on Sunday Morning but hopefully the GUILT and SHAME will kick in and everyone will pretend that nothing ever happened.

    I would rather be the Court Jester than the Court Poison Tester! Now that would be a nerve wracking job..if you think about it they prolly doubled up the aforementioned positions didn't they?

    You're trying to tell me that I need to brush up on PASSION! Moi?
    Well, maybe I will.

    In the meantime Lord Tennisanyone said that he was on his way to your Blog to tie up some loose ends..
    whatever that means.

  11. Anonymous10:57 a.m.

    I'm more worried by the fact that I'd find the 30-day sex challenge no challenge at all.

    "Have you ever heard of a wish sandwich? A wish sandwich is the kind of a sandwich where you have two slices of bread and you ... WISH you had some meat." (bowbowbow)

    Fathorse rushes in where angels sit laughing their sandals off.


    man! KIng Solomon must've been a stud.

    oh well...30 days...whats 30 days if some people have been abstaining for 28 years...sigh...

  13. fathorse,
    30 days schmirty days!
    One man's ceiling is another man's floor.

    Despair not!
    There is always hope my Son.

  14. Anonymous5:04 p.m.

    Unless you live in a penthouse.

  15. I would have left a comment if I could have thought of something coherent to say..........

  16. fishy, very much so6:55 p.m.

    I guess it's only human nature,
    when it comes to regulating the
    intimate behaviour of humans. There
    has to be some sort of "Gold Ring Club" for top donors, or the like,
    that makes individuals feel as if
    any..., er, everyone else requires their personal pronouncement, before getting down to brass tacks, themselves. Why not make
    recommendations on potential hobbies, and recuse from bedroom
    issues? There, I've vented the
    other guys spleen... anyone got a
    Roger Maris card they'd care to
    part with? Damn itall! Have I been
    walking around like this, with my
    participles dangling?!

  17. Anonymous10:47 p.m.

    Good grief. That challenge kind of bites for us single people. Think I'm gonna have to pass...

  18. fathorse,
    You got me there!

    THE michael,
    Coherent coschmerent. Since when has that ever stopped anybody from commenting!

    Oh Fishy One,
    Dangling Participles! Heart be still! What's all this Roger Maris talk? He never even used Steroids. He is sooo Old School!

    citizeno mondo,
    It is harsh! Well they do have appearances to maintain afterall BUT you are the master of your domain.

  19. Interesting blog... I'll be back!!

  20. And awomen, too! BTW, you don't need to be religious to be uptight about sex. Just ask my atheistic 'forebears'...

  21. i vadinoff,
    Awesome nom de blog! Thanks for visiting.

    Tru dat!
    and here is an A-WOMBman!

  22. When I was married, my ex did it most nights. Just not with me (thank goodness).

  23. llewtrah,
    Well then, you are certainly better off without that 'millstone' around your neck.

  24. Maybe it's my age, but when I read "pastor Paul With with Susie With..." I couldn't get past "Who's on First" either.
    One has to wonder...did they all fall from grace after the 30 days?

  25. dinahmow,
    Hey Y'A-BBOT! HA That was the first thing that struck me.

    I am sure that their National Coverage boosted sales for the month. Most Cults utilise the concept of ampping up the sex but it is usually reserved for the flamboyant leader and everybody else's wives.


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