Friday, February 29, 2008

or How to 'DO' Friends while sitting on your ass.

It has come to my attention that the act of Blogging epitomizes the modern definition of social intercourse. Thanks to the Information Revolution we no longer need to procure cordial or intimate relationships the old fashioned way...
in the flesh.

The outmoded practice of physically interacting with other individuals is très passé!

Gone are the days of tedious, platonic, enslavement. Cyberfriends don't need to be seen, smelled, touched, picked up at the airport at some ungodly hour, taken out to lunch, invited to weddings and funerals, or given loans.

Even to the casual observer it has become painfully obvious that the end product of millions of years of evolutionary tinkering with our communication abilities has resulted in eradicating those time consuming impositions that physical friendships once required.

It is no secret that our species developed language in order to gossip and tell jokes about other cave clans. Technological advancements spurred by human ingenuity and our innate predisposition to sit on our ass, now allows us the freedom to electronically intercourse others from the comfort of home.
"But you said that Blogging was better than SEX?"

Yes I did and quite frankly it was a shameless ploy to sucker you into reading this..but it's almost over so you might as well keep going....

What this means is that rarely, if ever, does modern human intercourse unneccessarily require any actual, physical, interaction. Perhaps we should clarify my double entendre'd definition of intercourse?

Intercourse can also mean the transference of:
half-baked notions,
outlandish-nonsensical opinions or
impoverished ideas supported by an encyclopedic ignorance of evidence, or outlandish opinions, that we unselfishly donate to another human brain.

Intercourse is just the fancy schmancy definition of exchanging bits between two or more people. These days we need only exchange bytes.

For hundreds of thousands of years human intercourse has traditionally been done in person. That's why hipsters say I'd like to 'Do' them.
It was also referred to as talking pffft!
Physical activity such as talking requires raiding our carefully acquired supply of fat and burning precious calories. Our big brains have finally overcome needlessly squandering our energy supplies and designed a way for us to remain virtually motionless while intercoursing 30 or more people in a single day!

One thing that needs to be examined about intercoursing others is that to the astonishment of the females of our species, it has taken over 21 Centuries for the male to realise that foreplay is the 'goodest' part.
Now Ladies if you excuse me for a moment I would like to let the Gentlemen in on a little secret. Apparently an unsolicited, pre-dawn, 'nudge' in the hind quarters ain't doin' it for them? You need to put down that copy of Field & Stream and start reading Cosmo.

If Blogging is like intercourse,
then it's all foreplay!
It never needs to end and You will never be finished.

This is a blessing for the male too. It avoids the awkward, postconjugal, smalltalk & snuggling phase altogether.

No more of those embarrasing escape lines like "I have an early meeting tomorrow" or "g'night ZZZZZZZZ" or "How was I?" or "I think I'll have a snack?"
Good news for modern man.
That being said, when one equates Blogging with the it's carnal counterpart, relationships in cyberspace are infintessimally less work. Friendship in the blogosphere never reaches a climax it's all foreplay. You will never have to put yourself out and do all of the work that those nasty, old fashioned, 'pick you up at 7' relationship requires.

In conclusion, Blogging is the crowning achievement of our evolutionary search for securing the easiest method of intercoursing the maximum amount of others while expending the least amount of energy.
Have a great Bloggin' Weekend.


  1. We really didn't need to see that pic of your early dating tactics.

  2. im surfing porn now...b back later to read the post.

  3. DAMN that was what do I do? I gave up smoking months ago!

  4. I have NEVER had sexual relations with you!

    There are is one blogger that I would like to though!

  5. My husband needs that button! LOL! Great post!

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. LOL @ Ghosty

    OMG wait until my husband discovers what I have been up to!

  8. "Intercourse!" he ejaculated.

    No kidding, that's also a clean usage, although I've never heard those two non-sexual definitions coupled in one sentence.

    Kind of exciting, like blogging...

  9. tell me how could writing something be better than doing something? i mean...blogging is for sexually deprive creatures who at 4 am is thinking about 10 years ago! now u would have know I havent read the post yet....ive been having 'have to work on a weekend syndrom.'

  10. Anonymous6:42 a.m.

    I don't know - I like blogging and all that goes with it, but it really is secondary to my life. My in-person interactions with people are the most important to me. I see blogging as an adjunt to life. Like later today - I'll likely blog about it tomorrow, but the actual skiing is what I live for.

  11. All too true, Homey, as we both know.

    But as much as you're lampooning it and have scored so many bulls-eyes, it still doesn't take the place of the in-person experience...

    And that long-distance thing is just that...long-distance.

    Now, who is that with the thumbs up you're mauling?

  12. Now that we know sarcasm does not work with a thickskinned blogger like you, what does?

    A broom on your backside?

    *with her nose in the air*

    **can't spoil the effect with a grin**

  13. mj,
    What tipped you off? Was it the unbridled enthusiasm of the participant?
    Alchohol may have been a factor.

    Be careful. YouPorn may carry more viruses than the featured performers.

    THE michael,
    I don't know? I guess that you'll just have to do it again?

    Don't tell me!
    Let me guess..hmmm...
    is it________?

    I thought so.

    Welcome sojourner. Jus't tell him that it's like the Matrix except Bloggers are the people who take the RED pill.

    Besides, what happens in the blogosphere-stays in the blogosphere. Agreed?

    Now that you mention it I don't think that I have either?
    By jove I think you've got it!

    How can you be deprived if Blogging is SEX for your BRAIN?!

    citizen mondo,
    That's just crazy-talk?
    Pfft! You mean to tell me that you like the actual skiing BETTER than Blogging about it?

    Did you take the RED pill or the BLUE pill that Morpheus offered you?

    What? You too? There is some sort of mass hallucinatory epidemic going on? PEOPLE focus!

    This IS the real world. Everybody else is just laying in jello like a glorified battery for the machines. They're all Duh-Cells.
    We are the chosen ones...

    you're not buying any of this are you?

    Sarcasm eh? You can catch more flys with Honey...
    try buttering me up and suffocating me with accolades and tributes HA!

    I'm waiting..


    ah forget it just stick with the sarcasm..I'll eventually crack.

  14. This is good to know, since I spend 18 hours a day blogging, and have sex less than once a year on average.

  15. miss cellania,
    Well now if you could just reverse those statistics you'd be..
    you'd be...
    probably be too tired to blog once a year.

  16. If I wasn't having sex, most of my blog fodder would be extremely boring.

    Sad thing is, you're right. In order to get a reaction from flashing one used to have to journey to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Thanks to the internets, one can flash multitudes of people all at once.


    Thanks for delving into my priors!
    I appreciate it.


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