Wednesday, January 09, 2008

UNHAND ME YOU BEAST!
Last night I watched Beastly Games on the History Channel. For Centuries the Roman Empire captured countless numbers of animals, especially the African predators at the top of the food chain, to be sacrificed for the entertainment of the great unwashed in the Arena. Homo Escapeons have always had a negative effect on the other animals on the planet.

It made me think about how we treat our Earthly cohabitants…
especially the other ‘Hominid’ Primates.
HERE is a great link to the Big Five.
From the oldest (16MYA) Orangutans to the newest, not us, Bonobos (3MYA), most will probably disappear from the wild thanks to our ignorance and insatiable quest to populate every inch of habitable land. It is estimated that there are only about 400,000 great apes, our closest relatives on the planet, and that there are over 6.5 Billion of us.

Far too many of the great apes live in war torn regions of the world, are captured for the exotic pet trade, and even harvested as Bush Meat to feed workers. Tick tock.

We are very ‘simian-lar’ to these creatures especially the Chimpanzees (Mock Man) who are male oriented omnivores who occasionally murder each other and start wars with their neighbours. The ubersexual Bonobos (Ancestor) or Boner-hos as I like to call them, use Sex as a conflict resolution and I write about them once a week so now we can finally start talking about SEX!

Scrotum size tells us a lot about a Primate’s reproductive behavior or in less scientificky terminology, their ‘Sexcapades’.

Male Gorillas, despite being the largest Ape, have a solitary dominant male who keeps a harem so they have small balls, they don’t need a lot of fertilizer. Male Chimps and especially Bonobos, have HUGE balls because they are promiscuous and need a lot of fertilizer. Male Homo Escapeons are in the middle but have a lot of sperm that is designed to kill and block other sperm..so that pretty much answers your question about monogamy.

According to condom maker Durex, the average Human Earthling has about 10 sexual partners during their lifetime. You can check out your National Statistics on their survey HERE .
I’m sure that it must be completely unbiased HA HA HA.

Do you believe their findings or are they just trying to validate our inner bonobo and sell more rubbers?

50 comments:

  1. I'm sure I read on here somewhere that the whole planet was only formed some 6000 years ago and evolution is a myth?

    Wasn't that you??

    What d'you do if you haven't had your alloted 10 then?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Everyone afraid to comment? Ha! I have no reason to doubt the statistics, except that 67% of statistics are made up. But no one wants to admit the average person has more sex than they do. So everyone who is not "average" or "better than average" will call any statistics into question. The truth is that you can never judge a population by your own experience. That's just one person. And you can't go by what your friends tell you, because they all lie. People lie more about sex than anything else in the world.

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  3. ziggi,
    How did you enjoy your .3 person?
    They must be referring to the very First Time HA!

    You prolly didn't get any of the Young Earth Theory from me although I would be happy to send you a 50,000 page explanation on why believing poppycock requires, as Sam Harris succinctly stated, "an encyclopedic ignorance" of history, science, mythology, and biology.

    miss cellania,
    I thought that 68% of all statistics were made up?

    What do you mean people lie about Sex?
    Pffft...since when.
    Actually I think that survey is fairly accurate for my neck of the woods...
    Hmm maybe they are lyin' about gettin' laid?

    Most of us probably wouldn't need to take our shoes off to count.

    Gene Simmons really throws a monkey wrench into the works eh? Or do you think that he is lying too? Apparently He has a shoebox full of Polaroids to prove it.

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  4. Do the Boner-hos really use sex as conflict resolution? That's fascinating!

    Although my number is well below that average (but hey, I'm still young, right?), I'm surprised the average isn't higher. Most men I know have experienced well above that average. Hmm... maybe I've been hangin' out with too many Boner-hos!

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  5. HE said poppycock.

    ReplyDelete
  6. anna,
    Check out my post under the labels sidebar Sept 26.06.
    These guys go Ape over Sex...and the end result is a much calmer environment..oddly enough. They are unbelievable!

    Most (if not all) guys lie about it. It would be infinately more interesting to ask their partners how many times they did it RIGHT?!
    Thereby killing two birds with one stone.

    mj,
    Get your mind out of the gutter. THis is a serious scientificky examination about gettin' in on!

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  7. Are you implying that there's something *other* than sex for conflict resolution?

    ReplyDelete
  8. awndrayah!
    Make Up Sex...Mmmmm.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Several of your posts recently have left me initially speechless. That says more about me than it does about you, etc.

    At any rate, this wasn't one of them.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I followed the link to the Durex site. What's going on in China that they've skewed the data like this?

    We have clearly a lot to learn from the Boner-hos. I wonder if they'd do weekly educational sessions?

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  11. Does this mean I have to have sex with Renee Zellweger?

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  12. I would think for most people 10 is a bit high. I am not close to that number, nor do I think I'll get much closer. But who knows. If I had sex with every girl I wanted, I'd be in the thousands. Maybe some guys get that much tail, and raise the average for the rest of us.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hang on. You've gone from the human impact on the environment and animals in the wild, to "how many sexual partners have you had?" in one post... Am I the only one seeing the continuity issue here? You've reminded me that I need to start something I stopped a while ago due to bad weather - I used to do some volunteer work with Conservation Volunteers Australia, but it's been a long time. That was fun. I also need to have more sex, but since Aidan's away again I'll just have to wait on that one!

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  14. **According to condom maker Durex, the average Human Earthling has about 10 sexual partners during their lifetime

    gimme half a partner rite now and I'd say they r getting close to the truth LOL!


    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  15. You're reaching, somewhat, especially with "simian-lar," but OK, I sure agree with the extinction thing.

    I think Miss Cellania and Stace kinda called you on your bullshit thng about lifetime sexual partners.

    And as far as Ziggi's comment goes, I think we can safely say you've had your allotted 10.

    Now it's just washer/dryer sexcapades, isn't it? Me, I ain't finished yet...

    ReplyDelete
  16. HE love,
    I swear you think of the strangest things to write about. I am not sure I care about the size of an apes umm... apparatus. (ha!) And I am sure that company wants to sell a few million. But man, 10 partners? I must be out of the sexual loop.. or a cold fish! (ha!) Neither, I hope! I am rambling here HE, look what you have done to me!

    I was with the same man from the time I was 16 to 35. I guess I am out of the loop. HE, help me! ::smirk::

    Silly posting man,
    soft love,
    T

    ReplyDelete
  17. Only ten? Really? Total? In a LIFETIME? Period?

    Geeze!

    I am feeling a WHOLE lot better about myself.........

    ReplyDelete
  18. Fair dinkum, 10 in a lifetime.

    Well!

    For those that might be disappointed and think they have been below that average; it's what you do with it all.

    Quality, leverage, maximising opportunity. Ratio within those figures...and how much you enjoy yourself and your partner too, of course. (Where do threesomes come into this btw?)

    How are they rated?

    All about fun.

    Sex as conflict resolution, why not? Would love to see the reaction at the United Nations when that possibility is presented.

    Today, if we don't have all points resolved by close up time when we are ready to head to the Pub, you are all to shag on it. :)

    I've gotta say though I think Australians might get more sex than the rest of the world, justa hunch...I'll ask around...LOL

    Isn't the average? 3 x times a week? My goodness, that's just one session for us! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  19. spentrails,
    Do you mean because they were so boring? I think that I am over the Homo-Lite phase. It's time to get back to business.

    I will be full of 'in-your-face-Flanders' once I finish The End Of Fatih by Sam Harris.

    If you look under Apes on my Labels list, you will see that I am quite enchanted with Bonobos..imagine if we had a society that didn't really on violence. Make Love Not War.

    rimsteroni,
    You had better get yer butt up to Whateverpeg fast..I don't know how long she is going to be here..I'll bet that she speaks German!

    anawesomedude blogger,
    I still think that NBA Legend Wilt Chamberlain is still the benchmark..according to Wiki

    "he claimed he had sex with 20,000 women. For this to be true, he would have had to had sex with 1.14 women per day from the age of 15 up until the day of his death, a rate of almost eight women a week"

    So there it 'tiz...I don't believe it.

    Gene Simmons from KISS is the second biggest braggart at a meager 1,000...more probable than the Stilt anyway.

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  20. Sex sex sex!
    That's all you think about!
    Is it too big? Is it too small?
    Will the girls like it?

    Does Hilary do blow jobs?

    Always had this thing about me a Hilary in an elevator that breaks down.
    Bend over Hilary, I'll show ya how it really is out in my world!

    ReplyDelete
  21. stace,
    Conservation Volunteers sounds great..do you rescue orphaned Roos and Koalas? Or is it culling feral cts and those 800 billion bloody rabbits?

    Doesn't your country have more dangerous animals than cute marsupials and brightly coloured birds?

    keshiroo,
    1/2 a partner?
    Australians are up there at 12.4 partners!
    I suppose that you could start off with a .4 guy, he doesn't sound very high maintenance. I have a suspicion that all of the fractions are partners that either take batteries or need to be inflated.
    Just a hunch.

    without durex,
    You know that I don't kiss and tell (out here) and as Wilt the Stilt ended up saying

    "Having a thousand different ladies is pretty cool, I have learned in my life I've found out that having one woman a thousand different times is much more satisfying."

    However it was mathematically impossible for him to have had one woman 1,000 times, because he had to have screwed 1.14 women per day from age 15 until the day that he died.

    oh tara,
    You have the ultimate romantic idealists dance card..most people, and it's none of their F'n business anyway, would applaud that steadfast devotion.

    Get your copy of Cosmo..
    according to them Ladies come into their "romantic prime' in their forties and turn into Cougars.
    Roooaaar!

    THE michael,
    Really? I am not sure what to make of that survey. I mean the Boomers certainly had a lot more recreational sex than their parents generation did. What if they averaged it out over the last 100 years..1000 years...2000 years back to the Roman Orgy! Would that even out the Puritan era?

    sienna,
    Fair dinkum indeed!
    Aussies are up there at 12.4! Unfortunately this survey has Nothing to do with Quality..Durex had another that said that people have sex about 127 times a year..and 3/4's were happy with their sex lives although 48% of women admitted faking an orgasm.

    How about this..
    Married couples do it 98 X year
    Couples living together 146
    singles 49
    Hmmm

    whitesnake,
    Obviously the topic of Hillary and Oral Sex has been probed for over a decade and I think that we can safely assume that the jury is still out on that one.

    I saw a scientificky research project on Inner Voice's Blog that suggests 'swallowing' may help fight breast cancer..
    it was probably written by men..
    and how would they ever find enough volunteers for something like that anyway?

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  22. OMG I forgot about HUGH HEFNER!
    Any guesses?

    ReplyDelete
  23. So that means that 1,000 people have had it with Gene Simmons? Now that's scary. I bet they never admit to it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. i am a virgin. i don't belong here. :P

    ReplyDelete
  25. spentrails,
    My guess is that 18" tongue of his might have had something to do with it. Urban legend has it that he keeps a shoebox full of Polaroids of his conquests..
    although Groupies prolly should be categorized with an asterisk because of the degree of difficulty..which is zero.

    misti,
    Run along shoo shoo. I certainly don't want to be responsible for compromising your hymenic code...and isn't that the worst possible name for that thin piece of tissue..Hi Men!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ten?

    10??

    Okay lads, form a line, 'cuz I'm way behind on my quota!

    Then there's the Essex girl who's had 50 sexual partners in the past year...

    no wonder I ain't gettin' any.

    What was the environmental point here? I've lost track.

    ReplyDelete
  27. HA! I just read that article about the 50 partners in the Manchester Metro (quality reading material) and couldn't believe it. I mean, where does she find the TIME? Although (and here I'd like to point out that I'm not a snob or fascist or anything at all, but) judging by her comments and photo, I think she might be thick as a plank (or 50) and probably doesn't spend that much time engaged in productive activities (unless you count re-productive activites HAHAHA I'm hilarious).

    ReplyDelete
  28. My question is, how are they defining 'sex'? given the company and its product, you know the range of activities they're interested in are limited to those requiring a friendly appendage in a raincoat.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Here is the link to the little trollop:
    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/
    live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=506993&in_page_id=1879

    laura E,
    This gal is obviously really immature and 'screwed up' and will no doubt move onto being a Porn Star if she doesn't get help...

    and why are Porn Stars 'STARS' right from the getgo..
    why aren't they Porn Actors?

    Since the Kinsey Report in the 50s and the accompanying sexual revolution in the 60s, the Western World has become obsSEXed with sex.
    It was inevitable that our natural appetites and behavior finally crashed through the suffocating repression of the Puritan/Victorian mindset.

    I suppose that we'll get bored with it soon enough...
    but advertisers dilate the pupils on scantily clad models and expose men and women to thousands of subliminal and blatant suggestive messages every day..they've got our little easily manipulated brains all worked up.

    fathorse,
    You are hilarious. Now putting aside that whole judge not thingy I would tend to agree that this 'chippy scrumpet' is not joing MENSA anytime soon.

    I know that she is an object for our pity and not our scorn but HELLO MUM where the hell are you?
    Adding to her notoriety and having a tell-all on public telly was about the absolute worst thing that she could have done for her daughter.

    btw I don't think that finding the time is too difficult since most of her encounters last under a minute...

    back to suffragette city
    Wham
    Bam
    Thank You Ma'am!

    ReplyDelete
  30. first nations,
    You would have to ask Bill Clinton for a more detailed definition of sexual relations..we know that he has thought 'long and hard' about that one.

    I think that they are specifically targeting those capable of acquiring (or receiving) a hardening of the trouser snake.

    They obviously don't care about gals who are 'Lebanese' or young ladies who 'experimented in College'...
    if they ain't buyin' rubbers then what-evah!

    No Glove No Love!

    ReplyDelete
  31. From the romans and the arena to condoms, or what's a man's mind :-)

    ReplyDelete
  32. forgot 'on', what's on a man's mind. I suppose my mind was drifting off too :-)

    ReplyDelete
  33. The first thing that came up for me was - but how many times with each of those ten different partners? Thanks for your recent visit - I think you were the first to use "verklemt' in my comments ... love it! Can't resist this one here ... come again!

    ReplyDelete
  34. Just as an aside as we all talk amongst ourselves about our numbers of sexual partners...

    You change your blog layout more often than you change your underwear (so Ali told me).

    And certainly more often than you change your furniture arrangement or paint your fireplace.

    Which is quite often.

    Uber-goober.

    ReplyDelete
  35. WW: And certainly more times than you clean your kitchen.

    ReplyDelete
  36. **you could start off with a .4 guy

    LOL that wont be a rare find.


    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  37. hildegarde,
    Well I thought about how we treat our closest relatives. You would think that we would go out of our way to make sure that they survive living on the same planet as US, but it just isn't the case..
    which makes sense when you consider how we treat each other.

    hi dawn,
    That's a good question..how many are one nighters, wild weekends, holiday romances better left where found, or any other number of various types of hookups.

    My gut feeling is that they are insinuating that we are missing out and they are trying to shame us into keeping 'up' with the joneses.

    without a pertinent point,
    I won't dignify your undergarment insinuation with a reply..and I fiddle with my layout because it is BORING to keep staring at the same old same old.

    If you really need to know I change something every two weeks so nyeh!

    mj,
    Touchez! Except now he is almost certainly going to dream up some lame-o excuse to take a freakin' picture of the exotic microbial fauna inhabiting his appliances.
    How much do you wanna bet that it is already up..let's go see.

    ReplyDelete
  38. grumblestiltskin10:51 PM

    Ahh... you folks are going to lose it, and details will be your downfall. Two questions:

    1) What is the ratio of unsolicited email spam pitching credit cards, compared to offers of cheap viagra sources, weekly, per average male bonobo? (sorry ladies- address any issues/
    suggestions to the bonobo folks)

    2) How likely is the average bonobo
    to sexually "push the envelope" (so to speak), if either product appears in its natural habitat?

    These questions may not have been fully explored to date. C'mon folks
    where are the next Jane Goodalls, out there?

    notes:

    ratios >1 suggest the way may been
    removed, ratios <1 suggest th will may have been removed.

    anent Wilt "under fire", (previous posting): statistically, it has yet
    to be proven that basketballs and
    women are behaviourally the same,
    despite sample groups of >20k/ each. Shoot! I shouldn't have to point out the obvious!

    ReplyDelete
  39. I'm so glad I could enliven the debate and of course I didn't have a pertinent point, because you are so impertinent.

    But I do note Dawn's comment that speaks volumes about you as the Blogosphere's true Sir Edmund Hillary: you were the first person to use the word "verklempt" on her blog.

    MJ: I clean my kitchen at least once a month, I'll have you know. And even then, it's a lot cleaner than your blog! (**Runs away laughing**) :-)

    ReplyDelete
  40. Ha! I came in here too late it seems!

    I read the title as unman me you beast! at first glance. And I think that is most apt one for this post.

    BTW, consider yourself privleged. I offer here an American Sentence for you:

    letting himself loose on the blogdom, homo escapeons is merciless!

    Although it is American sentence consiting of 17 syllables,it is written strictly following the Queen's English!

    ReplyDelete
  41. i think they're just trying to sell more rubbers...

    ReplyDelete
  42. Everyone lies about the sex they're having (or not); how good it is (or not), how many partners (or not), and that's a proven fact.

    Men inflate (snicker) the number, and women cut it down.

    10 partners only? Dang, I must be a SLUT!!

    hahahahahah

    ReplyDelete
  43. This is still the Homo-Lite phase???

    Anyway I'm still interested in what the China story is.

    *away to google everything*

    ReplyDelete
  44. grumblwhatchamcallit,
    What up with the Math Quiz Dude?

    Bonobos already run amok and if they were stumble upon Viagra, I am almost certain that it would lead to an untimely death...albeit a great way to go.

    Your Basketballian analogy has me baffled. Are you suggesting that women can bounce back from the embarrassment of the realisation that they are but one of 20,000 who played some hoop with the Stilt?

    within without whatever,
    Thank You for your kind words. Since you are suggesting that I am lacking pertinence then there isn't really any reason to continue this conversation..Good Day to you Sir!

    Dear Guatami,
    What in hell is an American Sentence? I'll tell you what an American Sentence sounds like...

    "Git tha hayl offa ma propurtay afore ah commences to blow yer had off you sons a bitches!"

    I may have to try a Canadian Sentence next post. Are you familiar with Shatnerian English?

    angel,
    BINGO! I think that it is a bunch of hooey too.

    shelley,
    Lies, Damned Lies & Statistics! I think that everybody embellishes their exploits and that it is a cry for help.

    If you want to compare notchs we could do it via email? I promise not to tell...no forget it I cannot be trusted.

    spentrails,
    LITE!? Well what the hell did I write about when I was still relevant..or pertinent as WW says?

    If you do find out why they are so frisky let me know...I'll bet that just trying to find out will be as hard as Chinese Math. You must get past the Great Wall of propaganda that has been erected to subdue dissent for the Olympics.

    Good Luck with that.

    ReplyDelete
  45. The conservation work is largely things like weeding or mulching public areas - national parks, roadsides, and so on. We do indeed have a great many deadly animals, mostly snakes. The cute and cuddly ones are generally pretty dangerous too, if you piss them off. A koala has nasty claws, and a kangaroo will rip your guts out in one swipe if it feels the need.

    ReplyDelete
  46. grumballist7:38 PM

    Sorry for the rather cryptic
    comments, earlier. I was merely
    observing that, despite advances in
    chemicals, technology, pseudosexual
    appliances (or maybe because of all
    this crap?), escapeons are making
    great retrograde advances. so far,
    our banana-loving ancestors don't
    seem impressed, and are content to take care of business, old-school.
    The other remark was more a
    poke at the arbitrary 10 partners
    per. Wilt allegedly nearly reached
    this plateau, plus or minus- but then, he was perpetually ham-strung by a record-setting NBA career. Doggone it, lemme double-
    check my numbers here... lessee,

    ln(20,000) = 9.90348,

    so okay, I was a little off. Not to
    worry, we can fix this with a little semantic sugar,

    Wilt's Valentines Day card list
    supposedly reached exp(9.90348), actually, the natural log of 20,000assignations.

    What's amazing is the number of
    career points (31,419)and rebounds
    (23,924) that he was able to slip in, between shags, on his way into
    history. The natural logs of these are comfortingly close to 1 (plus
    a little change).

    ReplyDelete
  47. grumballero7:47 PM

    10, not 1... dayum!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Hmmm - Am I the only person not eager to spill my personal count? I'll be keeping my thoughts to myself on this one.

    ReplyDelete
  49. grumble10:24 AM

    Kudoes to CS- unfettered candor
    often hogs the stage in blogdom, even when quiet discretion's giving a laudable performance.

    ReplyDelete
  50. At this point I recommend Will Self's "Great Apes" to give a glimpse of what would happen if chimps, not humans, were the dominant and civilised ape.

    ReplyDelete

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