Thursday, September 06, 2007

Why we screw UP.

According to some estimates, 10-30% of children don't have a single atom of their Daddy's DNA!

Now I have rambled on at length about how the cervix dips down into the vagina during orgasm to retrieve as much sperm as possible. But here is why that is important. This evolutionary development enabled females to increase the chance of harvesting more desirable genes from someone other than the big, hairy, brute, that they might be 'stuck with'. Har Har.

Eons ago, a secret mid-afternoon tryst with the cute-smart-funny-caveguy from across the valley, allowed females to secretly produce more cute-smart-funny guy/gal offspring. These offspring will be more desirable to future suitors and will therefore give her gene pool a better chance of continuing.

Since the big, hairy, brute, has no clue when she was fertile or if she was ‘faking it’, he can be duped into secretly raising somebody else’s child. Nature’s remedy is to make most of the male’s deposit contain killer and blocker sperm to destroy smart-cute-funny guy sperm that may have made it’s way into the love canal.

Another trick is to make females tell their mates that their newborn looks just like her Daddy.

This sneaky scenario can be summed up by the 80/5 rule.

Evolutionary Psychologists estimate that 80% of women are only interested in reproducing with 5% of men. Now those are bad odds. What this all means, is that 50% of women of settling for good enough genes, because 10-30% are double dipping. OK think about that for a second.

On the other hand, would it be realistic to imagine, under the right circumstances ie; not getting caught, that 80% of men would voluntarily copulate with all but 5% of women? Hmmm.

Now to be fair, there are those diehard romantics who believe that the Clitoral development evolved to strengthen pair bonding. This adaptation was necessary to ensure that the pre-scheduled Wednesday Evening and Sunday Afternoon couplings atleast had a chance of being more enjoyable. This biweekly rendezvous would therefore have the potential to be mutually enjoyable and hopefully aid in preserving a monogamous relationship.

That being said, when one takes a casual glance at almost any Women’s Magazines or Website it becomes painfully self evident that most men seem to know more about the Ford Taurus than the Clitoris. Apparently most men are still fumbling around in the dark. It’s all rather hit or miss. Far too many men seem to think that the Clitoris is a type of flower or an ancient Roman Emperor.

Clitoris Maximus

Men have probably been jealous for millennia because female humans are the only gender that have an organ that is designed exclusively for sexual pleasure. This marvelous feature reminds us that all vertebrates are initially formed as females and therefore men are mutants yada-yada-yada.
Hear me ROAR!
This does make men's plumbing seem more primitive, like monotremes (single entry/exit-coming/going organisms) since their orgasm organ has a dual purpose…I guess ditremes would be more accurate.

Now before anyone else says it, yes the BRAIN is the single most important sex organ, but that totally ruins my thesis. Either way it does explain why there is so much friction in human relationships, and not the right kind of friction.

In conclusion, we can now postulate from the evidence that most heterosexuals desire pairbonding but Nature keeps our backdoor/options open. Homo Sapeons have developed quite an arsenal of remedies to combat the tricks of the opposite gender. We still keep trying to pretend that we are hopeless romantics even though we evolved by being sneaky little rascals.
This is why we screw up our relationships when we screw-up.


  1. I['m always suspicious of these 'sexuality based on ancient necessity' arguments. it always seem like the 'researcher' starts off with some bizarre-and INEVITABLY phallocentric - paradigm and then makes shit up to fit based on bone fragments, scat samples and consulting a ouija board.

    despite everything, humans
    developed intelligence.
    smart people choosing, smart people breeding and smart people raising smart children to adulthood.

    it's a truism in the biker community and it's a truism worldwide, throughout history...

    ...fine, not often enough to suit some tastes, but hey.

  2. first nations,
    Yes but my argument is the reverse of the phallo-centric argument. My stance is that the egg came before the chicken.

    I believe that we are on the same page because the cute-smart-funny genes seem to find a way of getting together in spite of any societal regulations.

    Personally I question the 5% of men that women would supposedly prefer to mate with. I suspect that number may be a bit optimistic.

  3. Hemm...for the love of sex. This post paves the way for...serial banging to get the best results. u r a genius. sheet im not married, it takes the fun out of it.

    But how come millennia of reproduction did not create a superbeing yet, knowing that they pick and choose the best genes. But maybe we are still evolving.

  4. ghosty,
    Ah good question. We invented Civilization and began to be fruitful and multiply and then to balance any benefits incurred and keep our numbers in check we invented full scale WAR.

    Some cultures have nearly perfected their methods of combatting any sneaking around by enforcing female clitoral castration, enslaving women in harems or polygamous marriages, lopping off adulterous heads after a quicky trial where men are only allowed to testify, and of course, instilling the fear of hell damnation through good old fashioned guilt...
    the gift that keeps on giving.

  5. And let's not forget the role of alcohol!

  6. Just more proof that women more effectively utilize the head on their shoulders.

  7. Anonymous7:25 a.m.

    I've never understood why men don't understand/can't find the clitoris - IT'S RIGHT THERE!!!

    A lot of men just need to learn to do as they're told...

    I can believe the 5% thing - we all have an ideal guy, but because of our STUPID monogamous society, obsessed with love and romance and stuff most of us women never get the chance to go for the guy we REALLY want. This being the case it is very unlikely that I will ever mate with Johnny Depp. Let this rest heavily on society's conscience.

  8. mj,
    Yes the MIRACLE of alcohol can never be underestimated! Impulse control is so over-rated isn't it?
    Who among us can deny that giddy sensation that usually sneaks up after about the 8th drink.

    The internal dialogue between your loins and the portion of your conscience that monitors reasonable behavior usually begins with the phrase, "SCHWING!"

    Ta Da! Mother Nature is a little more forward thinking than Father Time. It is the age old battle betwixt Quality vs. Quantity.

  9. I've been hanging out on forums full of younger men on the internet, the kind who will say pretty much anything on their minds, and the concensus is that they don't know about the clitorus because they DON'T CARE. Giving a woman pleasure only makes her want to pair-bond, and that would slow them down in looking for some strange.

    Of course, when they mature a bit, they change, but it may be too late for a lot of them. Genetics studies show that 80% of women produce children in their lifetimes, while only 40% of men do.

    Not that I am an expert... my children have 0% of their father's DNA. And 0% of their mother's!

  10. fathorse,
    I have Johnny's number!

    The grim reality is that Women spend Billions of Dollars buying Romance Novels as a therapeutic attempt to soften the blow, of having to settle for their abdominally challenged White Knight and his less than stellar performance in the Art of Lurvemaking. The real tragedy is that most Fair Maidens end up with some Hero who considers brushing his teeth to be foreplay!

    As for locating the proverbial 'Go Button' I would think that the young men of your generation should have a much greater understanding of it's location because they have grown up having viewed thousands of them on the internet.

    miss cellania,
    Don't care is right! This is the darkside of these young men having viewed thousands of professionals 'act' in sexual episodes. HELLO these are performers. Young men are in for big surprise.

    A much worse surprise is in store for the young women. Somehow the equality quotient of the feminist movement was lost. The hardfought social acceptability of women attaining equality in the sex department seems to have imploded.
    Look at how LOW their expectations have sunk!

    These days, instead of young women grasping the concept of Cosmo's mantra that 51% of the population has the right to be satisfied,not to turn into men!
    The Entertainment Industry has objectified young women and reduced their desirability down to the Girls Gone Wild level.

    Pair Bonding! These days many school aged kids eschew exclusive dating and opt for casual sex aka: friends with benefits.

    I wonder if this isn't the inevitable byproduct of a 50% divorce rate, unlimited misinformation from internet porn, and the dismantling of the Romantic Traditions of the Past?

    Even our ancestral cavepeople exercised a little discretion..that is why we developed all of those sneaky adaptations.

  11. h.e. is back with a vengeance! Welcome back, brother!

  12. I will come to this topic in a while. I had a long discussion about this sometime back. I got some interesting views. I will try to put forth those alng with mine.

    Till then...

  13. Oh my. I do not know where to start. No pun intended. You have made me say, "Shower anyone"!

    I must say though I am a hopeless romantic. I think love is something we all just talk about but never understand fully its true potential. Beyond that, I, thank God, do not buy romantic novels and if the man I was with thought brushing his teeth was foreplay I would ask him to find a new house to play in. Doesn't mean we couldn't be friends, but well, there has to be something.

    I think you are aware I am soft when it comes to love, but make no mistake love making can be soft and romantic, but fun too. I think men, not all, but some, just do not know how to enjoy every part of a womans body. Just as some women have no clue to enjoying a man completely. They beat around the bush, but fear entering the treehouse. (playful today sorry)If a man doesn't know how or where, (wipes forehead) then perhaps we ladies should take it upon ourselves to teach them. That way they enjoy us as much as we enjoy them.

    I am digressing aren't I? My apologies. I think scientific measure of how we got here or who mates with whom spoils the adventure and pleasure of touching and tasting. Of course, I understand that there is reasing behind everything, but now my friend I need to take a dip in the pool.

    By the way... found the song, "Oh, Tara." Now if were meant only for me...smiles.

  14. truly...the age old question of being human is mirrored by the reality of culture...or shall we say 'do what others want us to do'. In a modern world perspective, when even war could not provide the check and balance that we so need, then there must be a deus ex factor to create a super society in a few hundred years. not a divine intervention, but just a chance of an asteroid maybe.

  15. just what I needed to read today

    how refreshing

    thanks so much!


    (altho, of course, the clitoris is really only a stubby little dick, with the female orgasm* being the equivalent of a man's nipples)(I'm sure I've rabbited on about this before)(so I won't bore you again)

    (*if you're lucky enough to have one)

    (it's ALL true - I read it in New Scientist)

  16. gautami,
    When are you coming back? Is someone chasing you? Which topic?
    I am confident that we will be seeing eye to eye on this delicate matter.

    Do you need a shower because you are totally grossed out or is it getting hot in here? Grossed out.

    I know that you are a romantic and I did try to take this into consideration. The notion of romantic love is a fairly modern invention and I believe that it is an improvement over the simple necessity to reproduce.

    However there are still quite a few kinks to be worked out and I think that our culture is overloaded with the wrong view of sex.
    Of course I may have exagerrated a bit about how stupid some men are because I know that women have been training them for a few decades. Surely to goodness some of this knowledge must be rubbing off on them..hee hee.

    An asteroid, a virus, mass sterility, something will end our reign and hopefully before we kill the planet. I know that you forward thinkers nurture the idea that somehow we will be able to think our way into a bright new future. I really hope that you are right.

    i like the view,
    Bravo! Men are incorrigible now. If we had a clitoris we would never leave the house.
    As I recall, that is precisely what Joey on Friends implied when he wished that he had boobs so that he could stay home and look at them in the mirror all day.
    Sad but true.

    I am thrilled that you found this entertaining, exhorting, and comforting. Please drop by whenever possible.

    Ain't it the truth!

  17. I thorougly enjoyed this blog. It was ensightful and humorous. I did not know that my girlfriend found me among the 5% of men worthy of reproducing with. Makes me feel a little bit special.
    We have not reproduced as of yet, so she might change her mind to where I drop to the 6th percentile.
    Unless I am misunderstanding, I am in total agreeance that it is the womans choosy ways that keep us men wanting and looking.
    My favorite line? "In conclusion, we can now postulate from the evidence that most heterosexuals desire pairbonding but Nature keeps our backdoor/options open."
    That, my friend, was said to perfection.

  18. I am not grossed out. Perhaps it is my age. I am in the prime of my life and I am single... what does that mean exactly?


  19. frank,
    Thank You and welcome. I have been in Angela's fan club since the beginning.
    I am glad that she directed me over to your site which was filled with great writing and interesting topics. I spent quite a bit of time there and left a few comments for you to dismantle with logic and common sense.

    Oh thank goodness!
    It means that the world is your oyster!
    You can make it whatever you want it to be...or not to be.

  20. I read your comments and they are greatly appreciated and I hope to see more of you there with your insightful words.
    It is good to have points of views other than my own to show the ignorance that i still possess. And I am not saying that is a bad thing.
    As far as dismantling? Never. That would make me as ignornant as the man declares war on a country because it is misunderstood.

  21. I didn't realise all this, this is so interesting, especially the conclusion...I have read it all about 3 times to get the gist...I think I will take away a newer, deeper appreciation for both sexes; it isn't easy being human with all the primevil urges tugging and pulling upon romantic notions...

    Is it some things have remained the same?

    Clitoris Maximus! he was the one that could fiddle right?


  22. How do you do it? Funny and insightful, each and every time!!

  23. Good one HE :) TC ok.


  24. Johnny Depp would never put up with having to hold your purse while you endlessly try on frocks at Woolies, nor would he care to listen to your drivel about what Mary-Kate said in queue at the pick and mix.

    Who we bang is not who will put up with us for more than a couple of hours.

    Just my humble $0.02, but I'm a guy, so what the hell do I know?

  25. Rimshot: Johnny Depp would wear the frock if the right woman asked him AND hold the handbag.

  26. Highly complex and stimulating (pun intended), but it leaves me questioning your conclusion.

    And the percentages...I just don't get 'em.

    It seems to me the problem with relationships, far beyond sex, IS that we're all romantics.

    Which seems to kind of fly in the face of your contention we PRETEND that we are. I think we ARE.

    Seems to me that's the biggest complication to successful mating and pair-bonding. We're not monkeys or apes, we're us.

    And that goes back to your admitting that because the BRAIN is the biggest sex organ, it ruins your thesis.

    But as far as reproduction and propogating the species and guaranteeing the continuation of our gene pools, I get the dipping cervix thing and all that at the top of your post.

    I would have thought that it was the vast majority of men, not women, who really would like only to mate with the top 5 per cent of the so-called tender gender.

    It's always girls who are considered the wallflowers at a dance, for example. There are more women out there than men, so men are at a premium.


    It seems to me women have a certain control in some areas -- they determine, generally, which suitors they will be with -- but they first have to attract those suitors.

    Men, on the other hand, can be and are considered the chasers, and they chase who they want, often more than one at a time.

    Fascinating topic, as usual. I'm not sure what I believe about it all, really.

  27. Evolution boiled down, if your ugly you wont have sex, no sex the genes die out.

    Somehow i circumvented this one.

    Not so sure on the stats though, you are suggesting that 95% of the male population is undatable... thats a tad harsh!

  28. I whole heartedly believe that 95% of men are undatable. I know 99.5% of me is undatable. I also believe that 95% of women are undatable. Which is the saving grace of the great, unwashed masses. If the vast majority of us are the 'left-overs' from the feast of attraction, we can co-mingle freely!

  29. frank,
    Gee are you implying that Dubya made a mistake? I have to be careful now. I noticed that a computer in Arlington, Virginia has been monitoring my Bog...I wonder who that could be?

    The blogosphere is what you make of it. Keep searching blogrolls and following links from the comment section. You get what you give out here and there are so many amazing people out here!

    btw You are an excellent, open-minded, writer and I know that you will enjoy the camaraderie of meeting those whom agree and disagree with you...
    it keeps the whole thing honest and going don't 'cha know.

    Fiddles! HA!
    It is complicated but it is a simple system. That is the story of mankind in a nutshell isn't it?
    We are unequalled at making things a lot harder than they need to be.

    So many people make pairbonding so unnecessarily bizarre because we have developed unattainable Romantic notions and Cultural Expectations that we pull out of Movies and Books.

    well heeled,
    Welcome! I am glad that you find my 'stuff' insightful and funny but every time perplexes me... does this mean that you have been lurking? Thanks for commenting.

    Hey you! You really got me going on this relationship thingamabob.
    I loved your tribute to all of the Aussie Bloggers. All of your mates downunda are fantastic. Maybe it is because you people have so much in common with us.

    You know Crowded House is in town tonight, WW is going, anyway I have always loved Split Enz and Crowded House but Mr Finn said a very interesting thing.

    He said that the Kiwis sometimes get overshadowed because they are so close to Australia. I never thought of that. I always thought that they were a little more subdued but Finn likened it to Canadians being overshadowed by the Americans. Hmm.

    Bada bing bada boom. I'm here all week Folks!

    I am so proud of you for admitting that you are a guy, ergo, what the hell do you know. Mr Depp is definitely one of the 5 per centers. It must be a weird feeling?
    "Who we bang is not who will put up with us for more than a couple of hours."
    I suspect that Pepé Le Pew has much to learn from you.

    You touch me like you know me! JD does wear some weird sh*t! He is a weird dude and that is part of his charm...a non-conformist displays confidence! Which is great as long as it isn't too weird..
    unless of course he is filthy rich.

    winifred weinerwater,
    Let me dumb it down for ya mister..
    When all is said and done, women are all basically interested in acquiring the genetic material for their offspring from the ubermen at the top of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs.

    All of us goobermen are pale comparisons but we need not worry because all of the ubermen are busy chasing the top 5% of uberwomen, ya goober. (Rhymes with uber and it is one of your favorite words)

    Being a Romantic means that you are in love with the idea of being in love. Unfortunately there are a number of different version of True Love out there so it it's all fercockt!

    We all have a fairly uniform ideal but different benchmarks. The problem is that if we have to keep lowering the bar we end up in "limbo".

    "Not only are you a handsome man but a very powerful man as well"
    from Pretty Woman.

    95% of men are not on the short list. Hey we all make compromises because there simply aren't enough perfect specimens out there. I am not just referring to the gentlemen who are impossibly handsome like Clooney and Brosnan.

    Women are interested in other attributes and unlike us seem to be able to ascertain other important features that their offspring will inherit. It's weird!

    Of course I am being oversimplistic. If you think back to junior high school, when we were taxanomically at the age that we humans would have historically been reproducing, the guys aren't exactly hounding the girls in the Math Club.

    Of course having a boner for 23 hours a day does cloud your decision making abilities.

    Now I shall taunt yew for a zecond time! (You do have every line of Python's Holy Grail committed to memory like the rest of us don't you?)

    BING BING!! You used the term the great unwashed, one of my favorites! Guess what? It is the secret word here at Pee Wee's Playhouse Ha-HA!

    OK what are you saying....Oh yeah. Yes. Since the majority of us guys are not in contention for being ravaged incessantly by Salma Hayek or Monica Belucci, the pressure is off.

    Ditto for most of the Laydeez who are not exactly waiting for Mr Depp to ride a white stallion into the kitchen and whisk them off to Castle forever and forever.

  30. 5%? heck I better get started

  31. And there was me thinking when she screams "OH MY GOD" she was referring to my efforts.......


  32. H.E.: "... Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?"

    You're fast becoming one of my favorite people of all time!

    Now, as I am most assuredly part of the 95% rather than the 5% (although I must admit to once having been part of the 5%), is it worth it for me to effort to become part of "the best of the rest"? Or is there no point and the status-quo (not the band) is sufficient?

    "Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony."

  33. i cannot recall a single instance while i was in my supposed reproductive prime during which i thought to myself 'self, lets find a top-notch babydaddy and pound the living daylights out of him until we make a papoose". no, it was more like 'ya wanna? ya wanna? ya wanna? "until you found someone roughly bilateral who'd say 'yes'.

    just thought i'd share.

  34. I can tell you now that my back door will NEVER be open ;).

  35. *sigh* Lee beat me to a "back door" comment...

    *sighetty sigh*

    Now I have nothing to say! *GASP*


  36. ziggi,
    You're already spoken for my Dear!
    You cast your spell and it worked.

    Perhaps, but only if the following statement isn't something like

    "what have I done!"
    "what is that smell?"

    I think that everyone should be exposed to their films. This world would be a better place if we all stood back and enjoyed how brilliantly the troupe exposed how ridiculous we are when we refuse to laugh at ourselves.

    Well done!

    first nations,
    HA! You kill me. I don't suppose that anyone does it consciously either. We aren't even aware of all the hornymones that we produce.

    It is all too simple for us to grasp. We seem to enjoy making relationships far more challenging and complex than they need be. I imagine that this is the case because we live twice as long as we biologically need to.

    Well there it 'tiz!

    I am not saying that we are all in on this conspiracy ignoring the 800 lb gorilla in the room and saving it for another day...

    apparently only about 1/3rd of women and 2/3rds of men...well that sounds like a lot now doesn't it?

    miz bohemia,
    YOU have NOTHING to say!
    (*HE runs and hides under the bed)

  37. **He said that the Kiwis sometimes get overshadowed because they are so close to Australia

    true...they do :) But I dun think its the same with Canadians n the yanks.

    CH rocks. LOVE EM!


  38. and tnxx a ton for the lovely comment in my blog. IT HELPED.

    there's a treat for all of u in my current post..


  39. "Some men ... have a higher chance of being deceived than others -- and it is those of low wealth and status who fare worst."

    "Actual figures range from 1 percent in high-status areas of the United States and Switzerland, to 5 to 6 percent for moderate-status males in the United States and Great Britain, to 10 to 30 percent for lower-status males in the United States, Great Britain and France. Moreover, the men most likely to sexually hoodwink the lower-status males are men of higher status."

    How are your status and wealth H.E?

  40. Keshiroo!
    We Canuckistanis have a perplexing struggle betwixt forming a new identity for ourselves out of the vortex of influences from the US and Great Britain. OK so these days we are much more diverse but our original blueprint was to improve on the achievements of our peerage.

    We have yet to really solidify a trademark persona because we are still in the adolescent stage of identity formation.

    You Aussies had isolation and a warm climate on your side whereas we have a different bag of marbles to play with.

    I am outwardly striving and hoping that all countries dissolve and the entire species adopts a global outlook. Anything that sets us apart only causes problems.

    oo7 and a half,
    Holy Hoodwink Batman!

    I am UBER impressed by your first hand knowledge of these extrordianry statistics.

    Having failed to equate this skullduggery within a financial framework leaves me shaken but not stirred. I don't want to generalise that poor people are less able to control their genetic disbursements...although it would certainly be convenient.

    Since all of my offspring look exactly like me...OK since two of them look exactly their Mothers....Well not exactly but sort that you mention it.

  41. hooboy... there is so much crap to sift through when it comes to relationships!
    i think i'll just stay single & celibate since reverting to caveman antics is not an option.

  42. Anonymous4:39 p.m.

    Statistically, "brute" types're flings and "smart" types're long-term. Depend'n on the eon, t'could've easily been the opposite w/the funny/smart unwittingly rais'n a smart brute.
    I spec subjectivity entered halfway in the 2nd paragraph. Nothing wrong w/theoriz'n pre-history (Jared Daimond rocks) or having a fave. Just be objective. 'Sides, most estimate only .042% are dooped.


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