If alien Lifeforms ever visited North America, they would instantly recognise that the automobile is the predominant species.
One look at our suburban
garage-centric Domiciles instantly reveals our complete societal capitulation to accomodating the needs of the automobile. Actually the homo escapeon's relationship with the car works quite well as a metaphor for our typical, modern, suburban, lifespan...
BC (before car)
When you are a child your parent's station wagon might as well have been the Millenium Falcon from Star Wars. It was a magical, mystery, vehicle that took you to McDonalds and to Grandma's house. It had electric windows for gawdsake!
You're just a kid so you don't understand how it works.
All that you know for certain is that it takes for-frickin-ever for your Parents to drive you somewhere fun like the Beach, but only minutes to get to the Dentist.
Your first vehicle is a little, red, wagon BUT you can't wait to get a tricycle.
Then you get a tricycle and you need a bicycle.
When you finally get your two wheeler you wonder if the training wheels and pedal blocks will ever come off. When the training wheels get tossed you are old enough to realise that this is it until you get a car.
Kids can't wait to drive a car and recklessly wish-away their youth until the day of reckoning arrives and they finally get behind the wheel.
Finally, You're 16, you get your License, and you head out on the highway lookin' for adventure with a...
FULL TANK OF GAS!
Your body is jacked with hornymones and you want to pass everybody because you're invincible. You blast your stereo with music that you don't even like just to annoy old people.
Even if you are not a member of the 'lucky sperm club' and your Daddy didn't hand you a Lamborghini on your birthday it doesn't f*cking matter if you are driving a beater.
You are totally happening.
When you're cruisin' with a full tank of gas, one hand on the wheel, your eyeballs glued to your cool reflection in the rear view mirror, and your ears bleeding from the 36" woofers mounted in your dashboard, it's all good.
THREE QUARTERS FULL
Pre-Owned Van.
You're late and you're on your way to drop off-wait for and drive home your kids from the maternity ward, nursery, kindergarten, school, soccer, hockey, dance, baseball, emergency ward, birthdays, church, vacations, volleyball, emergency ward, piano, voice, dance, rehearsals, recitals, birthdays, sleepovers. ((gasp))This goes on for years and you don't even notice that the tank is now...
HALF FULL/HALF EMPTY
New/Newish Van.
You're late and you're on your way to drop off -pick up your kids from junior high, detention?, dance lessons, school, dance lessons, malls, movies, dance lessons, high school, parties, malls, part time jobs, dance lessons, boyfriend's house, malls, girlfriend's house, parties, dance, new boyfriend's house, parties, dance, new girlfriend's house, new boyfriend's pool party, dance, ex's cottage, grad parties, 2 am closing time at some totally awesome club somewhere at the other end of town where they had the best time ever, emergency ward, grads, university, dance lessons, airport, socials, wedding rehearsals, weddings...weddings?!
QUARTER OF A TANK
Where did all of that gas go? Hey wouldn't it be cool to have a red convertible and a MR.T Starter Kit (gold chains) to go with your new hair plugs!
You should slow down a bit because you are runnin' out of gas...nah! You've still got a little in the tank WOOHOO! Vvvvvrrrooo..cough..cough..oooommmm!
WARNING LIGHT FLASHING EMPTY
Giant Land Yacht
You are senile as hell but the authorities will not suspend you because the Government needs the money. You still drive to the Mall every day at 10:30 and again at 2:30. Your inner conversation is something like this...
Holy Dinah that looks like a good parking spot..
no that one...
darn it anyway where is that left turn signal thingy..oh yeah!..
oooh how 'bout this spot...
cripes too small...
((scraaaape Crunch))
What the hell was that...
holy toledo will you look over there..
HEY THAT WAS MY SPOT YOU SONOF A...
Oh Dear better roll up the window
Now where did I put my carkeys
OH there they are in the ignition silly goose...
what the hell does this button do...
((BANG))
Hey it's my lucky day look over there...
it's perfect!..
nope, too damn far from the bloody entrance SON OF A...
Dammit I'll just have to go around again....
EMPTY
You get a battery operated vehicle for about a week until you failed to notice and struck down the 800 pound Apartment Superintendent wearing a fluorescent red moo-moo who was vacuuming the hallway and your hand cramped up at full throttle.
Once again you are back to draggin' a wagon and every day at 10:30 and again at 2:30 you make your way to the Drugstore so that you can natter incessantly at the gum-chomping teenagers who smile and ignore you as they natter incessantly on their cellphones at the checkout line.
In rushes a harried young parent trying to run some errands with three screaming kids in tow and you suddenly realise that you shouldn't have to walk anywhere for the rest of your life because SOMEBODY owes you a few thousand rides.
Very nice, there was some really good stuff in this one.
ReplyDeleteI also read some of the others, i think im all caught up.
Dear Homo Escapeon:
ReplyDeleteSo you really do like my garage then. Too bad the the double door does'nt open properly. Darn installers. But i think an alien life form could come in if it really wanted to, but it has to get past the life force known as Arctic...
I'll take that Lamborghini, thank you very much.
ReplyDeleteI wonder, will I be to senile and demented, with my warning light flashing, to still remember how to show a fuck you sign to that young fella trying to take my parking spot?
I had a bike once. I drove it into a pond.
ReplyDeleteThe thought of me driving a car is terrifying...
I'm a public transport gal - big up Magic bus...
Hmmmm.... I'm a biker (pedals, not engines) myself and I am considering moving on to a proper racer so maybe that is my mid-life crisis. Goodness, that's me, a cheap date.... some women insist on that red convertible.
ReplyDeleteI confess to being tempted by those old- people- electric- chair- scootery- run- down- small- children- mobiles. I reckon they can set quite a pace and that being old is a lot more fun than we are sometimes led to believe.
I have been paying an inordinate amount of attention watching how poorly people behave in their cars and it corresponds directly to their stage in Life.
ReplyDeleteI simply felt compelled to retell this story because it was 2 am and I had had about 5 cups of coffee and couldn't decide whether I was really concerned that Belgium, my Paternal genetic point of origin, may actually cease to exist and besides I am cleaning up this blog before switching to "Donn 5 . D'oh!" in December so what-EVER!
fish,
One can only hope that the ability to combat younger males for parking lot supremecy remains intact during the 'Winter' of our lives. Life afterall is said and done, is a game of inches!
fathorse,
Since you are in possesion of a HUGE brain that operates exclusively within the BIG PICTURE framework I must therefore presume that the term bike, referred to a Harly Davidson, and that by pond, you meant the Atlantic Ocean.
Consequently I am utterly impressed by your survival capabilities as you no doubt exited English terra firma somewhere along the white cliffs of Dover and yet here you are!
007 and 1/2,
The term cheap date is a misnomer because the 'cost' of the psychological scarring can still greatly outweigh the actual monetary expenditure of the event.
Personally I am opposed to sharing the roads with cyclists unless they can attain speeds of 100 kilometres/hr and weigh in at several thousand pounds.
It is unfair to expect the operators of 2 ton minivans to drive on eggshells because a fragile biped is needlessly wobbling around potholes and holding up traffic.
How on earth am I supposed to operate a huge, complicated, piece of machinery, manage the children, talk on my cellphone, plan my revenge on the SOB who cut me off, and meticulously peruse my CD collection to find just the right disc, when I have to worry about a cyclist? Hmm?
Fun metaphor, HE. My first car was a '77 Honda Civic, bare bones. I'm looking forward to the day when I can get the same thing again (or modern equivalent), but this time it'll have a CD player!
ReplyDeleteTwo words: BRILLIANT!
ReplyDeleteHey Homey,
ReplyDeleteGood post. I think I'm a 14-year old Nissan with need of repairs right now.
Hopefully I'll get a new muffler, a new paint job, and sassy new bumper sticker soon, so I can zoom down to where the fun is!
I can' fill my mind with all that automobile trivia. I got a simple solution. I walk short distances and take a cab for longer ones.
ReplyDeleteI stopped driving two years back after losing one life out of nine.
I don't have any number of screamming kids unless you count me as one.
so much water in the world and we had to come up with oil for gas in the first place. dumb humans.
ReplyDeleteactually gas prices are relatively cheaper here, but end of month bills might cause mild heartattack. on a better note, I guess America and Canada! have better metro. here it sucks...metro, bus and taxi sucks. SUCKS.
and man that pic of the Calvin and Hobbes red barrow is supercool! I always wanted to get one and just pull it around during the weekends...
ReplyDeleteSo funny!
ReplyDeleteCulture of Carcissism: Cycle of Gas.:)
My enjoyment of jumping on horses backs far exceeds motorised transportation :) Just me, personal choice and all that...when not transporting horses, I think my engine of selection is motorbike; something not too big if I happen to drop it, can pick it back up, be careful to dodge the farmers running their stop signs, avoid kangaroos at all cost and have the wind in your face :-)
We'd be stuffed without'em, eh.
Pam
My car and my garage..o how I love em both :)
ReplyDeletebtw if an alien landed in my garage, he/she wud never wanna leave hehe.
Keshi.
The mini-van really ups a guy's attraction factor!
ReplyDeleteGuys driving mini vans just bothers me -- especially good looking guys!
Freedom of the Harley
ReplyDeleteNever, never, never will I drive a minivan. I swear it. My parents raise me and my younger brother with only sedans. It can be done. Ok, we rented a van a few times for long road trips. But they are not necessary!! I will fight it.
ReplyDeleteI'd say the guy in the convertible is much more annoying than the one in the minivan.
ReplyDeleteA car is used for transport, not for picking up women, or to forget that one is 1,6 meter tall and has a penis smaller than a lollipop.
Wanna race, or you love speed, buy a sportsbike.
Hahaha We have a minivan and I know it bothers my husband. He doesn't feel very sexy driving it. Meh keeps the ho's away from my man!
ReplyDeleteChristine
ReplyDeleteNo, Im sorry, but the problem is, your husband may find his way to the ho's anyway. minivan or no minivan
He may find his way to the ho's, but the ho's will have already left with the chap in the convertible.
ReplyDeleteBut guys driving a minivan alone and checking women out is more annoying than the guy driving the sports car. The mini van just screams married and wandering eyes...!
ReplyDeleteheh I was joking. I have no worries about my hubby. :)
ReplyDeleteoh my word- that was SO funny dude! you need to put this stuff in a book so i can read your essays over and over again!
ReplyDeletemarvellous!
My tank is coming up on a quarter of a tank, and I never had the pleasure of dance rehersals or boyfriends or girlfriends houses. Hmmm, I am thinking about it now and that last inner conversation does sound a bit like mine
ReplyDeleteHaha! I loved this post. You're so frickin and bright - it always blows my mind.
ReplyDeleteI think I've started preparing for my mid-life crisis. Just the other day I told my husband that, if I end up not having any children, I want my next car (probably by the time I'm about 45) to be a convertible Audi TT. How cute are those things??!