Friday, August 17, 2007


If you don’t write your own obituary it will haunt you for eternity.

I know that I have gone on about this before but if there is one improvement to the human condition that I could be remembered for, perhaps it will be the inception of autobiographical obituaries.

Think about it. Leaving your legacy in the hands of grieving loved ones is a recipe for disaster. Overwhelmed by the enormity of the situation and pressed for time, your closest relatives will almost certainly script one of those tedious, standard, recipes.

Suddenly on whichever day, so and so of wherever, passed away from whatever cause.
Left behind ((ugh)) to remember are his/her yada yada.
So and so was predeceased by their insert entire paragraph dating back to the Napoleonic War or worse.
Services will be held at blah blah blah.
In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to further the cause of worldpeace!

Is that any way to do it? NO!

Write a testimonial that highlights WHO you were in order to avoid having some itemized, chronological, list of WHAT you did published for posterity.

It is your last chance to tell the whole world whatever you want.
WHY NOT: Admit your faults, celebrate your achievements, expose your inner most secrets, desires and demons, lavish praise on people you love, heap burning coals on all of the arseholes who ruined your life, tell the whole world about your favorite songs, colours, movies, pets, intercourse positions, snacks, flowers, books, memories, fantasies, holiday locations, hobbies, shoes, secret romantic conquests, bosses, stores, lottery numbers, bad habits, restaurants, physical features, friendships, hairstyles, philosophers, cosmetic procedures, sporting events, bicycles, cars, house, first kiss, airplane ride, best report card, favorite cartoon characters, funniest joke, most amazing mattress that you ever bought,

whatever the hell you feel like, it is, er was, YOUR Life!

And for gawdsake have some flattering photos ready.

What else would YOU want to mention?


  1. Amen to the flattering photos!

    But, gosh, I haven't ever thought about what to write as an obit. I find it a bit too morbid.

  2. I have already written my obituary. If you want to read it, I can give that link to you.

    I do have my morbid moments but death is not one of that.

    After death, how does it matter what happens anyways...

  3. The risk of unflattering photos is the main reason why I haven't gone into politics. Haha.

    I'm coming round to your notion of autobiographical obituaries.

  4. "He was born, he had great fun apart from the crap stuff and then he died..."
    Further details can be found in my autobiography. £15.99 Hardback on your way out.

  5. Ooh! Let's start a "write your own obituary" meme! canicanicanicani???

  6. I'll have to give the obit some thought but an ex-lover of mine has already composed my tombstone epitaph:

    "Here lies one hell of a woman.

    Wish I was lying on top of her."

  7. dude- i think you covered the lot! i'm definitely going to give some thought to writing my own obituary...

  8. A trick I learnt when one is on stage.
    When your moment to be the main attraction arrives wait, don't be there.
    It keeps em all guessing!

  9. menchie,
    You are young and enjoying your beautiful kids so I can understand why you would hesitate to think about the checkout line...but now is the time to take your photo!

    I would love to read your obit. I hope that it is artsy and magical and enigmatic. Afterdeath matters! That is when all of the gautami merchandise skyrockets in value. Look at all of the Elvis stuff 30 years later.
    Artists are always more valued after they exit stage left.

    I think that it is well worth it to have a fabulous head shot done for such an occasion. I mean people that you never even met are going to be staring at it forever and ever.

    Ha! That is exactly what I'm talking about. I just want people to say, "F*** that guy was fun!"

    chaucer's bitch,
    Yes, you can start it off if you'd like.
    Do we need to enforce any rules such as must be interesting and embellishing the truth is encouraged. Meme me up Scotty.

    Are you implying that he wished that he had died too because life just isn't worth living without you? No you mean't the other thing didn't cha.. hee hee.

    It certainly is worth thinking about. I mean what if they screw everything up and make your life about as exciting as reading the ingredients on a jar of tomato sauce or perusing the TV lisitngs?

    You sly dog. I would endorse your suggestion but I am a punctualitorian. If you aren't 5 minutes early you are 10 minutes late! But that's just me nobody else seems to care about being on time..tap..tap...tap.

  10. i would totally bust out all the secrets i've been keeping for people over the years and hope i was there in ghostly form when the fight breaks out!
    when you're dead your bad meat. it's over. the only decent thing left to do is throw a party to remember!

  11. I'm with CB on this one. Ooh, yes! Dinah like this idea.
    (Please don't flood my blog with assinine memes)
    Personally, I'd rather folk laugh than weep when I go.

  12. grumblographer2:33 a.m.

    "here lies Fishy,
    don't think he's asleep.
    Dig a nice, big hole,
    and bury 'im deep.

    lay hold of a shovel,
    don't pause to think.
    Get 'im in the ground,
    before he starts to stink.

    throw some lime
    right in his face.
    it'll be the end of
    his grumblin' ways"

  13. I rather think my obituary should read as follows:

    Stace has died. If you knew her, you'll already know all of what I could possibly say. If you didn't know her, you missed out big-time, and you wouldn't understand.

  14. Ooh, Stace has the right idea!

    See, I read this and thought about it, and couldn't come up with anything that anyone would care about.

  15. Ha, ha, haaa! I am still stuck on favorite intercourse positions! Oy!

    But OH SO TRUE! I seriously am considering this... laying it all out, not giving a flying rat's ass who will be offended? OH the temptation! Juicy!

  16. I don't want an obit. Those who are close to me will know I'm dead; they won't need to find out about it by reading it in the paper.

  17. I'm not planning on dying.

  18. Hrmmm.... Where to start... AS always i belive the solution lies in interpretive dance.. From brith to death.

    MY funeral is going to be awesome, I want a jumping castle and carnival rides, i want a real celebration people laughing and smiling and saying things like...

    "he wasnt that much of a prick after all"

  19. Hi HE
    This is a great post, and really has me thinking I need to get working on my obit...I hate the idea of not being around in this big beautiful world though!

    Hey, thanks so very much for the visit on Friday and sharing of your sweetness with me!
    I'm long past the BIG 3-OH though!

    Hope all is wonderful in your life!
    I'll be heading up to Canada next week(on Thursday) I have family in Nova Scotia, and will be there till Sept 6th.
    I can't wait, as I truly love Nova Scotia!!!!!!
    Btw, my son left for college and you cannot imagine how I'm missing him!!!!
    It's a hard deal!!!!!
    My hubby and I went away for the weekend and just got home about an hour ago, as the house felt way to empty with our son not being here.

    I send you a big HUG!


  20. I went to a funeral last week. I just want a few songs played and that's it. I am happy that my kids know I love them..and that is all :)

  21. HALLELUJAH @flattering photos ;-) Keshi is queen of photos right LOL!

    this is a great post HE..I always wanted one for myself...I even thought of telling my aunt off in it..cos then I wudnt be ard to see her wrath wud I now LOL!


  22. I'm just going to get you to throw a party in my honour, write my obit and deliver the eulogy.


    And you can spread my ashes in your back yard to help your tiger lilies grow.

  23. Home Escapeons,

    I do not think I want an obituary. Rather, those that know me and truly cared or even loved me know all they need to know. Many may find me a bit on the lovie side but when it is time for me to go they will never have to question my feelings or where I stood with them.

    I believe that it is the impact that we make today that will make the differences in those lives we leave behind. Perhaps that is why I lavish my love here as well. I want to share a part of myself now in my words and if my words are felt then a part of me already resides in the readers. I need not have a piece of paper that reminds them.

    Curious man you are... I hope you and yours are well.

  24. lolz WW awww...

    Where r ya HE?



  26. I think that's a great idea. I'd want mine to be like one last chance to speak to everyone. I want to tell them what I've learned about life, and give advise that will hopefully help them in their own lives.

  27. ooer... you mean tomato sauce and tv listings aren't exciting? what if you combine them...?

  28. I would be sure to mention what kind of socks I liked to wear ;).

  29. Anonymous6:28 a.m.

    I think only Blackadder has the answer:

    "Here lies Edmund Blackadder, and he's bloody annoyed."

  30. The time I went to bed with Silly Putty as a kid and rolled over on it and it became one with the sheet so that even in my teens I'd look at it when that sheet came out of the wash cycle and go "Oh yeah, the Silly Putty" - that'd have to be up there...

  31. You could just print a link to you blog in lieu of an obit. That would tell people way more about you than they could possibly want to know. That's my plan, anyway.

  32. oh, I was going to add "number of orgasms in one session" to the list, but I see the comments have taken a different direction!

  33. Have you melted in the summer heat?

  34. Afterthought: I wrote that obit almost two years back. I was already half-dead than. It needs to be updated...

    Have patience until I do that.


  35. My friend... where are you...I hope you are well.

  36. I plan on dying rich. Then I'll force my potential heirs to sit through a marathon reading of my entire blog, which will be read by a tag team of Orson Welles impersonators.
    In the last post, I'll declare my heirs. Chaos follows.

  37. u drove in the buff HE? whoaaaaaa!


  38. hey, if you want to read my epitaph, why not just read the blog?!

  39. How about the best meal you ever ate and what you had a special knack for, example:
    "Mutha had an amazing fish taco once at Rudy's in Somerville, MA and she could make a mean pumpkin pie."

  40. if I have to read this post once more I may have to reconsider my original plan.

  41. Okay. Point taken. I want more now.

    New post please.

  42. I don't want an obit either. There's something about sharing myself with loved one's personally, not in front of acquaintances. I did however write my children letters in case something should ever happen to me. They're tucked away in a box. I want my funeral to be a party, lots of food and booze!

    I have to say though, Aidan had a great idea with the interpretive dance. That would be hysterical!

  43. Are you ok? I keep checking in but you are nowhere to be found! Hope you have ditched us for a last minute vacation but ENOUGH ALREADY! COME BACK!!!!!

  44. This is what I would want my obituary to read...

    'She was a woman. She had four children. She lived, she died. She was a firecracker, a good cook and she was one dynamite pal. Mourn not...for she is living it up, be it in hell or heaven. And although you are invited, please bring your own booze, she ain't rich!'

    Seriously, I am afraid of death...after losing my father, I have not come to terms of the finality of it...

  45. Oh Awaiting, you are going to straight to hell. There's no question about that.

  46. Here's mine.

    Jack was nimble,
    Jack was quick,
    Made love with his tongue and his fingertips.
    The boys and girls that felt Jack play,
    Are the ones that are crying the hardest today.

    Actually, Stace beat me to my first choice, so I had to come up with something.

    People seem to be worried about you HE, hope you're just having a nice vacation.

  47. first nations,
    I just want to
    party all the time
    party all the time
    is it OK to play Eddie Murphy once you're gone?

    Ok NO memes for you for one week!
    Yours truly,
    The Meme Nazi

    Of fishy fishy fishy fish
    and it went wherever I did go.
    Lovely little send off.
    I wouldn't throw lime on you especially when you're down.

    Great attitude. You snooze you lose. Life is for the Living.

    miss cellania,
    Your amazing attention to detail guarantees that you will have a wonderful little send off planned that encapsulated your incredible curiousity about life.

    miz bohemia,
    Ha! Will there be anything that you haven't straightened out before you exit stage right? You have always put it on the line and never held anything back in your stupendous free form rants. You have always encouraged me to be bolder.

    Tru dat! I still think that there were a lot of people from your past that will need to say goodbbye and will want to know what you were up to. It is true that the important people will know but even they will need to know some of the details in order to invoke your kind spirit and pass on your legacy.

  48. margie,
    How nice to hear from you again. I see that you are quite the celebrity these days. It is well deserved, you are a gifted writer with a big heart.
    It is hard to watch your babies grow up but it is also exciting. Change is the ONLY constant in this Life isn't it?

    Your kids will definitely know how much you will always love them. I think that the Australian Government will have a huge Summer Festival planned in your honor for all of the outstanding efforts in promoting your cool country.
    You are a history buff so you need to have your history outlined for your kids to read about.

    It would be better to let your aunt know NOW! There are plenty of ways to express your emotions about her actions and somebody needs to do it? If you don't who will?
    When you're gone she won't be able to apologise.

    without a wake,
    Fine. I will be happy to do that. My Tiger Lillies can use a little fertilizer and you are certainly full of that.

    inside our hands,
    I am well and simply trying to squeak out a few more memories from the summer of 07.
    I agree that it is better to express yourself now and let people know how..oh oh here it comes..
    people don't care how much you know, they want to know how much you care.
    You are doing an excellent job of fulfilling that axiom.

    I'm at the beach!

  49. ziggi,
    Witches never die,
    unless of course they have the misfortune of being caught by the local villagers and end up weighing the same as a duck!
    I love Dance Monkey Dance!

    I love the idea of a kiddie festival! Since you are still lightyears away from having to worry about this you will have plenty of opportunity to convince the rest of the world that you are a sweet curious, I didn't say bi-curious, not that there is anything wrong with that, man.
    Those of us out here in the blogosphere already know what a prince you are.

    Last chance to ler 'er rip! I think that everybody deserves one last kick at the cat or is that can? Anyway why not. Who knows, maybe our last post will strike a chord and start a revolution? Wors are the most powerful weapons on Earth.

    Tv listings and tomato sauce can be a riveting combination but I was thinking more along the lines of a movie review. Your obituary should sound like it was a must see.

    Socks tell us alot about a person. I use to wear RED socks all of the time and when I was a lad I almost always wore two pair at the same time. I like socks that stay up and massage your calves. When I was outfitted in suits I enjoyed wearing novelty socks to tip off the other businessman that I had a sense of humor about the game that we were playing.

    Yes Black Adder was a bastard. The thing that we laughed at was that we were all lowlifes like him heelbent on getting the upper hand on our fellow man. I will be bloddy annoyed when I go so it better be quick!AND PAINLESS!

    I noticed that they still make silly putty. I wonder if it still tastes as good? That explains a lot about me doesn't it?

  50. cs,
    I am thrilled to see you. I always love your comments and insights on our mutual friend's blogs.
    I agree that these weblogs are the perfect post partum depository for our thoughts and reflections. We admit a lot more out here than we do in the RW...well I try to anyway. That way I will hopefully avoid being killed ny an angry mob and will be able to stay above ground longer so it all works out in the end.

    i like the view,
    No no no. Do tell. There is a meme that would be open to intense scrutiny and I would imagine that most of us would lie about it BIG TIME. I could get it notarized but perhaps it is better left I am starting to work out the logistics of making it work without raising too much, nobody would believe it.

    I have not. I am enjoying the dying days of summer and making the most of what little time there is before I start enjoying Autumn.
    Now that I am in the Autumn of my life I need to appreciate the changing of the Seasons so that I don't freak out about turning 50!
    What do you mean that you were half dead? Send me your new obit ASAP!

    inside our hands,
    I'm fine. I just seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time in the RW. Please don't take offence but our Winters are quite long and we need to savour our little Summers.
    In the words of Eeyore,"Thanks for noticing me."

  51. allan,
    Fan-bloody-tastic! I laughed so hard when I read your reply.Chaos indeed. Hilarious.

    Yes I did. I loved being nudee-toodee and I still enjoy it.

    Hey! You need to publish your posts as a handout at the service. Since it will be a National Day of Mourning excerpts will probably be read by Celebrities and Dignitaries. The service will take hours because of all the laugh breaks.
    What am I saying you are a Spring Chicken!

    Hey you. Fish Taco? I am onboard with selling ads to your favorite restaurants. Hair, makeup and clothes provided by...why not?

    You have proven yourself to be a loyal friend. Perhaps you have a morbid interest in finding out if I really died? I should have done the old Paul Is Dead did wonders for his career.

    Sorry but I needed to see what was what out there..outside my window where that big shiny object in the sky shines and children play and dogs bark...and bark...we have a Bloodhound a few doors down and at times I feel like I should be totin' a jug of moonshine and hootin' and a hollerin' at any guv'ment fellers what cums on ma property!

    Party like it's 1999. Interpretive dance would be fine because my daughters have spent over a decade studying it. I am finally starting to get it. The beauty of it is that most of the numbers are about DEATH anyway. That's right. Because Death is so dramatic it is an essential element in modern dance and perhaps the easiest thing to express to the audience of blank faced parents.

    mizzy la boheme,
    I am back. I was out on a limb desperately reaching for one last blast of summer. The leaves are changing colour so tick tock tick tock. Plenty of time to blog when it is 40 below.

    I lost my Father when I was young too so I understand. It took me decades to sort it out. I tried a couple of different angles but settled on my present agnostic course because it was the only thing that makes sense to me.

    You are a firecracker and you do have a lot of adventure ahead of you so worry about it later...and if I beleived in Heaven I would say that you were going there...eventually.

    Hush your mouth! How do you know?
    I wouldn't worry about having the place all to yourself.
    Besides, I know that deep down you are a big mushie softie schmoopie and nothing will concvince me otherwise.

    That's the spirit! Ooh la la.
    That is what I am talking about.
    So much for the no play about making Jack a dull boy. Excellent.

    To One and All,
    Thank You. Your comments are important to me. If I have missed anyone's comment please feel free to call me an idiot, publicly scold me, and send me into a well deserved shame spiral at your earliest convenience.


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