Thursday, June 28, 2007

HANNAH MONTANA
IS NO SECOND BANANA!
There is another paradigm shift happening in tweenyland!

Bye bye Celebritney Spears you’re almost 26 and the Hollywood Dream Machine is K-Fed up with your hijinx and it can’t wait for your hair to grow back in either location.

Take a Hike Heiress Piltdown we are so glad that you got some jailhouse religion but whateverrrrr you are 26 years OLD.

Toodaloo Lindsay Lohan you’re turnin’ 21 so look out world now you are ‘legal’ in all 50 States Woo Hoo!

Sayonara Simpson Sisters:
Jessica 'ditz' all over but the cryin’ sweetie you are done at 26 and

Little sister Ashlee,
Comin’ up on 23,
Did the Milli Vanilli
Your street cred is history
Find a guy with mo’ money
Hey how about Nick Lachey?

Times are rough for Hilary Duff. At 19 she is the reigning tween idol and all of the soccer Moms are nervous because all of the other tweenie role models are a disaster! As long as the insidious Disney handlers can stop Duff from doin’ stupid stuff she will have a few more years of
((BEEP BEEP BEEP))
who are we kidding the best before date has been reached.
We wish you luck, by the way have you met your replacement?

Hello Destiny!
Destiny Hope Cyrus aka Miley is Hannah Montana!
here

Disney’s next tween sensation is only 15 and Yessirree Bob she is the real life daughter of Billy Ray Cyrus who plays her Dad on the Hannah Montana Show.

On the show Miley is secretly a pop star named Hannah Montana and Billy Ray was a huge country star and is now her manager.
Shucks this thing practically writes itself don' it?

Here is the achy, breaky, kicker for me.

Miley/Hannah’s mother died. SHUT-UP!
Has anyone noticed a recurring theme at Disney?

Bambi, Pinocchio, Cinderella, Aladdin, Ariel, Dumbo, Winnie, Peter Pan, Belle, Simba, Mulan, Nemo, Pocahontas, Mowgli..does this ring any bells?

A Disney protagonist is always, always, always, either an Orphan, had a Single Dysfunctional Parent,
or was a slave to Monstrous Guardians.
Stop and think about that. Can anyone explain this to me?

Now old Walt lost my trust when they shot Old Yeller, (You Bastard!) and after I discovered that Lemmings don’t voluntarily commit suicide.


Do any of you remember watching in horror as thousands of those cute little kamikaze rodents rushed over the cliff and plunged into the icy Sea?

I saw White Wilderness, which actually won an Oscar, on TV during the weekly Sunday Evening presentation of The Wonderful World of Disney.
The mass suicide myth still endures.
http://lemmingswerepushed.blogspot.com/2005/04/why-this-blogs-title.html

Those poor over the hill starlets are goin' over the cliff along with their dysfunctional parents as the marketers steer the tweens like lemmings towards a new tween queen sensation.

Run Hannah Run!

38 comments:

  1. Oy, the pressure being the numero uno commentor. I could fawn over your fine post or run like Bambi (the deer, not that woman...). All cerebral functions left at 3 a.m. here. Shooting Ol' Yeller got to me, too.

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  2. "A disney protagonis is always always..." etc. "Can anyone explain this to me?"

    i can, actually.

    In literature it's an idea knows as the Innocent. An Innocent is a character with whom an audience can sympathize completely and thus become emotionally involved in the story. you do this by endowing the protagonist with emotions that everyone in your audience has at one time experienced. since everyone has felt an outcast at some point in time (usually puberty and teenage years), emotional isolation is common favorite. if you are disney, you exaggerate and enhance your charactr's emotional isolation by backing it up with a bit of physical isolation. (Notice how disney protags never have any friends either that aren't animals?) Then just for good measure, you want to drive home to your audience that none of the ills your Innocent has suffered are his/her own fault, so you make the protag a helpless victim, suffering at the hands of forces entirely beyond his/her control. Easiest way to make a victim is to make your character a child, since in our society we automatically equate childhood with helplessness. Now you've got a miserable character that everyone can relate to and who is in no way responsible for his/her suffering. the perfect Innocent. Cue the crying bunnies.

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  3. I feel sad for the child stars..and feel mad at the child's parents when they tart them up. Get real parents!!

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  4. gel,
    I forbade my children from watching Old Yeller and saved thousands in therapy and hopefully prevented them from joining PETA and running off to save the world...although I did see a PBS/Frontline show on the Faroe Islanders and their annual slaughter of Pilot Whales.

    Apparently the bloodbath on the shoreline is acceptable because they've always done it..OH!
    Anyway now they find out that the whale's blubber is so contaminated that they will have to stop eating it. Bittersweet.

    chaucer's bitch!!!
    You are awesome CB.

    Talk about a soft pitch right down the middle for a Lit PHD like you eh?!
    THANK YOU for doing all the heavy lifting.

    I am just so tired of Disney manipulating the emotions of four generations of children. They need to understand how they have been toyed with.

    I suppose after the Grimms cleaned up all of those terrifying children's stories that someone like Walt was inevitable. Disney was all set up in time for the Baby Boom and POW! Thank You.

    cazzie,
    Hannah Montana is awesome and my 5 year old and I were dancing for an hour to her songs. So far she is a sweet little gal with a big voice.

    Luckily her Daddy sold 10 million records and doesn't have to live vicariously through his daughter like all of those other parents.
    I really hope that Miley makes it ...gotta go dance some more.

    Nobody's Perfect
    c'mon..awsome production & a positive message for your kids..

    "Nobody's perfect!
    I gotta work it!
    again and again 'til I get it right.

    Nobody's Perfect!
    You live and you learn it!
    And if I'm messing up sometimes...
    Nobody's perfect

    Sometimes I fix things up
    And then they fall and turn again
    Nobody's perfect

    I know I mix things up
    But I know I always get it right in the end

    [Talking]
    Next time you think it's just one of those days
    when you just can't seem to win
    When things don't turn out the way you planned,
    FIGURE SOMETHING ELSE OUT!
    Don't be sad!
    Try it again! YEAH!"
    Nobody's Perfect
    I gotta work it

    WOO HOO!

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  5. Hi Homey, I've often wondered about this Disney phenom, and I found the answer here.

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  6. tidalgrrrl,
    OK picture Meg Ryan screaming
    YES YES YES OH GAWD YES!

    Kristin Lems is brilliant. What is up with those muthaf*rs at Disney.

    OOPS
    I betcha that I am about to receive a cease and desist notice from the animatronic Disney lawyers. Those cyborgs are like legal crackheads because of their addiction of litigation.
    Boy oh boy, that last statement won't help my cause any.

    Awesome shelley! Love it. Brilliant. Hope everyone reads it.

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  7. Anonymous11:59 AM

    Hey, I recently added a news widget from www.widgetmate.com to my blog. It shows the latest news, and just took a copy and paste to implement. Might interest you too.

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  8. Disney is a freak show. What happens to the kids they run through the Happy Mill there doesn't bear thinking about, either. talk about dysfunctional! talk about child abuse! these poor girls never had a chance-they've been pimped like the lowest kind of street whore by their parents and the disney system all their lives!
    *roams off ranting and gesturing*

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  9. Oh, I'm just sooo glad I'm done with my tween years! ;p

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  10. a wdiget,
    How did you get through you slimey little so&so. I curse you!

    first nations,
    I was remebering how bright and shiney Britney was just after her stint at Diz. It takes a special kind of stage mother to wish that life upon their children...that would be an interesting expose Child Star Parents.

    I wonder how much money it takes to cleanse their souls..that is what it's all about. How many child stars actually make the transition to adult entertainment..you know what I mean....5%?

    irene,
    Hey You! What an emotional rollercoaster ride
    OH
    MY
    GAWD!
    Talk about being in a peer pressure cooker like totally extreme!

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  11. *beats up the anonymous spammer*

    There ya goes, Homey. Spam Free! =)

    ps. If you ever need the feminist-take on any given situation you know where to find me...Googling it! *hehe*

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  12. Ha, ha, haaaa! Your brilliant writing always manages to put a smile on my oh-so-tired face I tell you!

    I actually caught Miz D in an interview and she seemed pretty solid... hopefully the damn tween machine is coming to its senses but, that having been said, it is still a DAMN MACHINE and how glad am I of my despotice and tyrannical ways and ultra controling style which shall keep such teeny boppin', tweeny little shits OUTTA MI CASA!

    BWAHAHAHAAAAAA!

    As for good ol' Walt... I could NEVER forgive him for the loss of Bambi's mom... it was gruesome and horrible and it still makes me tear up! Yes indeed, that BASTARD!

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  13. Its the parents' fault really. Cos if they in the first place r whack-jobs, how cud u expect the children to be normal?

    Keshi.

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  14. Oh H.E. It's just another children's show. I watch this show with my daughter. The comedy is rather good. Hannah's best friend, the sister of the actor who was in Second Hand Lion is very funny.

    I like Disney shows because they don't swear. Not all shows have single parents. Raven (That's so Raven)had two parents until her mother dropped out of the show. Maybe this single parent-syndrome is a sign of the times, although in my neighborhood, most families have traditional families headed by a father and mother.

    Generally t.v., except for the nature, history and animal shows, stink. There is so much cursing and swearing.

    Oh by the way, Happy Fiftieth to you. Have fun. What are you going to do to celebrate?

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  15. As Jaye P. Morgan once said, "So cute I want to fwoe up!"

    Apparently kiddie porn is OK as long as it's SOFT porn.

    Tag, by the way.

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  16. tidalgrrrl,
    Thanks shelley! Spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam spam

    miz bohemia,
    Ain't she a Peach! I stand by my theory that Billy Ray will be very protective and give his daughter the straight goods on being a celebrity.

    We need to challenge Disney because it is as American as Apple pie and look what it did to Vegas?...did you read that link about the abscence of Mothers in the stories? I think that we are on the right track.

    kesh,
    Those stage Moms are all scary as hell! Britney has just openly criticized her Mom and opened up a new avenue to extend her public meltdown...so many bad choices...but how would you and I have handled having all of that money and adulation..I can guarantee you that I would have have self destructed in record time!

    ces,
    Oh ces I don't mind Hannah she's a doll, I just don't want to be watching her implode in public five years down the road. I know that Disney doesn't have her best interests in mind it is all about the bottom line...the record speaks for itself.

    I actually won't turn 50 until Dec but I started referring to myself as being 50 about a day after turning 49.
    I am going to have a HUGE party!

    breakerslion,
    Very kind of you to soften your consternation at my tween age wasteland post.
    Juicy J P Morgan was awesome! I wonder what happened to Gene Gene the Dancing machine?
    Ok I 'd better check this Tag!

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  17. Homo Escapeons,

    You are cracking me up here! Now, how long will it be until they finally see what we all do? They are simply lost. Partly because of greedy parent, partly because of greedy, no brain managers, and once adults, their own stupidity.

    as for Disney, again it is greed. Murder, money, sadness all around. We flock to it and so the movie people give it to us in mass quantities. Has anyone looked at the movies coming out lately? Violence is everywhere and so Disney just adds some color, makes it childlike and calls it entertainment.

    Escapeons, keep on writing the world is listening!

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  18. **but how would you and I have handled having all of that money and adulation

    I'd hv ended up being a complete dope...and maybe I'd go to prison for weekends.

    Keshi.

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  19. And to think i loved Lindsay Lohan in Parent Trap.

    Fame and money are hard on children. Over here where parents can exercise more parental control over their children regardless of age, we have our share of teenage pregnancies with very young actresses. It's the showbiz environment, me thinks.

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  20. There is much more potential for conflict and adventure if the mother (or both parents) are out of the picture. Mom protects you and fixes everything, and also does NOT let you wander off in the woods alone.

    I wondered about this early, but it doesn't bother my kids at all. They have lost three and five parents repectively in their lives already, and are quite used to the idea and the conflicting emotions, too.
    I was almost afraid for them to watch Bambi, but they took it much better than I did. I started tearing up when Bambi's mom got shot, and my youngest (who was about 5 at the time) said "Its OK, hims got hims Daddy."

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  21. inside our hands,
    The Disney Defense League is probably right outside of your door by now DON'T ANSWER THAT!

    I wonder if watching all of those plucky orphans make it on their own in Disney Films is what has made us so indifferent to the plight of people who aren't living the American Dream?
    Oh don't worry, with a little help from their animal friends they'll pull themselves up by their bootstraps and bygolly they'll make it.
    Gee whillikers!
    DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!

    kesh,
    Do you suppose you might have done a bit of shopping? HA!
    You wouldn't have hooked up with K Fed! You would have held on to Justin Timberlake...better alimony!

    menchie,
    I like LiLo, she is a beautiful talented gal and I hope she makes it. I think that she just wants to to have the best of both worlds and that isn't very likely. How many famous celebrities manage to have a successful career and a private fulfilling life? You won't need to take off your shoes to count them.

    The Starlets over here NEVER get knocked up or we don't find out because most North Americans, except a few subcultures, have learned thet NOT telling kids about sex or telling them NOT to even think about it is a guarandamntee that they will do it just because their developing brains have been told not to do it!

    Success is finishing school and finding a career, not marrying some dork when you are 16 just to get out of the house and become a baby machine through unsatisfying sex and finding yourself abandoned without an education and raising 4 kids on your own by the time you are 25! OK I got carried away there...

    miss cellania!
    HI. Well there you have it. I would never EVER let my kids watch Old Yeller unless they were old enough to handle Schindler's List.
    There is a patriotic thread to all of that Disneyology. AMerica was an orphan and she pulled herself out of the gutter through sheer determination and moxy.

    I actually know that Kids are way better at processing tragedy and avoiding a lifetime of therapy because their 'wittle bwains' are still developing and Instinct has a lot of cushioning built in that ourCult of overanalyzing seems to forget.
    Humans , believe it or not, once involved children in the day to day reality of Life On Earth and didn't hide everything from them...
    I'm not kidding.

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  22. Which is eactly what has prompted me to read Walt Disney by Neal Gabler this summer....as an individual who has an inquiring mind on what makes people do the things they do..I thought this might be a worthwhile endeavor. BTW...here by way of Joyce from Blunderview...I found your recent comments to be quite interesting!!

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  23. danielle,
    Did Gabler confirm that Walt was a Nazi sympathizing Sado-mysoginist megalomaniac or did he like him?

    I actually know the Chronicler of Blunderview in the rw..ain't she a sketch? I love her rantin' & writin' & out loud realisin'.

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  24. Now where would I run? I know I don't need to as I am no celebrity. However , I thought why not ask you?

    An aside(I am having lot of asides lately!): My parents, that is my dad was and my mom still is, belong to the normal society...:D

    Another aside: Can the Centaur and Ram be friends?

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  25. My eldest niece has joined PETA and forcing us all to support her! She is bribing us by giving out free PETA stuff!

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  26. gautami,
    You ARE a cyber celebrity!
    Can the Centaur and the Ram can be friends..just wait I'll check..

    "The relationship between an Aries woman and a Sagittarius man could prove to be the biggest romantic thrill"
    OH MY
    "Sex is just one big adventure once the Aries woman has fallen into the Sagittarius man’s arms" HAHAHA "but heroes have a knack of disappearing at a moment’s notice."

    "A romance between an Aries woman and a Sagittarius man will be good for laughs and physical romps, but the Aries woman must be prepared to cross canyons to find the Sagittarius man."
    My WORD!

    It doesn't seem to say anything about just being friends gautami OH WAIT..
    here it is..

    "When Aries and Sagittarius form a friendship, it's often a rewarding match. These two are highly compatible; they have a dynamic relationship. Both are explorers and pioneers. This combination of personalities is always interesting, and both friends are forever searching for adventure.

    They both get a lot out of experiencing life, rather than just reading about it. They need to be careful: This is one of the more accident-prone duos! Aries is always in a rush and Sagittarius tends to look at everything but the obvious.

    Aries and Sagittarius make very good friends. They understand one another, and both view life with optimism and enthusiasm. Problems are rare, but sometimes Aries may be too overbearing for their freedom-loving Sagittarius friend.

    On the other hand, Aries is more sensitive than the jovial Archer; Sagittarius must be careful to think before they speak and say something too blunt. Even when they do have problems, these buddies forgive and forget easily.

    Both get over arguments quickly and don't hold grudges."

    Well there it 'tiz!

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  27. My, my!

    That says a lot!

    When do I cross the canyon? But it won't be for mere friendship. Perish that thought!

    What about your lovely wife?

    :D

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  28. gautami,
    My lovely wife has me wrapped around her litle finger and would not hesitate for a second, to manually adjust my anatomy in order to elevate my singing register so that I could hit the 'high bits' like the other lads in the Vienna Boys Choir.

    Just kidding..She reads everything that I write and she knows that I worship her.

    As a matter of fact, on any given day she could leave a comment (she comments on other blogs) exposing my charade that would essentially dismantle my fabricated intellectual online persona and end my blogging career. So why would I risk that?

    Anyway, She knows that you and I go way back, you live in India, and that you are about one million times smarter than I am. So taking all of that into account you're not really much of a threat.

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  29. nothing beats a loving stable level headed family.it can be non-traditional, i must of course clarify, but that's the foundation of any house.

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  30. kj,
    Robert Frost said,
    "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in."
    HA, I always loved that quote.

    I agree 100% because our family is loving, stable, level-headed (my wife is anyway), and non-traditional.
    Home is the house that love built.

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  31. Jack has a single dysfunctional parent. I've borne a Disney Star!

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  32. I think YOU should voluntarily commit suicide by jumping off a cliff!

    Just kidding, of course. What would the rest of us do without your take on modern culture?

    You're quite right about the lemmings, of course. But was that Disney or Mutual of Omaha's "Wild Pretend Kingdom?"

    It's a perfect analogy, though, for the most shallow thing in North American culture: the 15 seconds of fame star, who then burns in flames in the next 15 seconds.

    Hannah better run, all right...

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  33. Your comment to Gautami about Ally Baby is SO right on...I burst out laughing...

    Ally, are you reading this?

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  34. Just a reflection of our disposable society, after 25 years it is time for a new one. We may be able to recycle with the reunion tour, but dont hold your breath.

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  35. cherry,
    Not until you are killed off in the first half hour of the movie.
    Run Cherry Run!!

    without reading my post,
    Of course it was Disney numbnutz read the link!!
    Alice isn't really interested in my Blog so she probably won't even read it...it was funny!

    aidan,
    You'll get your day in the Sun lad. They will prolly have some huge party on the internet as young people like yourself gather in Stadiums and Pubs around the world to watch the very last Boomer die..they might even help him along to boost the ratings?.

    There will be a global lottery to predict the exact tod it will be awesome.

    Then you will get your new society as every trace of our existence will be eradicated.

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  36. I never follow your links, Dork Man. As it is, I barely have enough time or oomph to get to your blog or anyone else's.

    Ally reads your blog, you idjit. She just never comments...she probably hears about it all every minute of every day BEFORE you post. (*Runs away laughing*)

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  37. i think i'll stick to terry pratchett...

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  38. By the way, Mulan had a functioning mama, and a grandma, too!

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