homo escapeons

DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER!

(Singalong to this Coppensian reworking of the Mary Poppinsian Classic)

Televange-a-frickin-listic-send-me-all-your-dough-cious
They scare you with theology
that plays on your emotions
If they preach it long enough
And lead us by our noses
They can make ten million bucks
and I think that’s atrocious!

I must confess that picking on Televangelists is like shooting 'fish' in a barrel, it can’t even be considered an honorable pastime or hobby anymore, never mind that old 'judge not lest you be judged' thingamabob.

I have an obligation to disclose that back in the 80s I actually did all of the legwork for a film premiere that was produced by Billy Graham.
I was a newly minted Pentchostile, and despite mein kampf with much of the dogmatic theology, I thought that it would be nice to reach out to the disadvantaged 'lesser' denominations by helping organize and promote the movie CAUGHT.
Besides who didn’t like Billy Graham?

Unlike the scandalous 80s when Hall Of Shamers like elfin god-keteer and future ex-con Jim Bakker of air conditioned doghouse fame became the hapless victim of blabbermouth and implant recipient Jessica 'Playboy Bunny' Hahn, whose sordid revelation of her rub and tug experience with Jim initiated his demise.

Jim's lovely wife and future Surreal Life mainstay, the indefatigable Tammy 'Fake N' Bakker was a leading advocate and practioner of the industrial strength makeup movement. Her notoriety for face painting was surpassed only by her breakdown singing style which sounded remarkably similar to that of a seagull being squeezed against a dock by a loosely tethered boat. Poor Tammy became the poster child for evange-a-scandals and became a lightning rod for comics and late night talk show hosts for years.

Who could forget the ‘other’ Jimmy.
Jimmy ‘calling the kettle black’ Swaggart, whose righteous indignant crusade against the aforementioned Bakkers ended poorly when his indiscretions with a hooker, pardon me ‘sex worker’, Debra Murphree, whose level of sophistication and refinement in the industry have only been equaled by Hugh Grant’s ‘date’, Divine Brown, were revealed and zapped his money raising mojo.
Down but not out, only in America!

Need I mention Oral ‘God told me that HE will kill me if you don’t send another couple million’ Roberts, whose career tripped on that spectacular prophecy from his electronic podium and his 'ex 'daughter in law wrote a scathing tell all book that did little to endear him to the great unwashed.

Still with us is one time Presidential hopeful Media Mogul Pat ‘the Hitman’ Roberts. His latest guffaw was a brilliant defining monment of clarity in which he suggested that the American Government should ‘take out’ Venezuela’s Presidente Hugo Chavez.

Hey don't shoot the messenger (gasp)..this collection of self proclaimed representatives of the Creator of the Universe shoot themselves in the foot with their audacity and unbridled n'arse-cissism!

Anyway.

Billy Graham was from another era. I always pictured Graham playing Golf with Ike Eisenhower and tossin’ a football around on the White House lawn with JFK. He was a gifted, genteel, orator with a soothing, Southern, graciousness, whose integrity was above reproach. So why not?

However here we are in the 21st Century and the zeitgeist of the ‘PROSPERITY GOSPEL’ is alive and well in America. Millions of ‘Fire Insurance Christians’ are in a frenzy to die with the most toys before the Rapture sneaks up on them and spoils everything!

Thank God that ministrywatch.com is around to try and keep (atleast) some of these people honest by examining their books and evaluating the degree of cooperation and transparency of their operation.

Before I wrap up my sermon, we should address the ubiquitous 1 Timothy 6:10 passage.

"The LOVE of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith, and pierced themselves with many a pang."

Apparently a pang is a spasm of pain or distress.

So see it doesn’t say that MONEY is the root of all evil it is the LOVE of it that gives you pangs and this works right into the wallets of some of the latest incarnations of Televangelism.

The art of declaring God’s favor (MONEY) and getting your best life NOW (sigh) is the core message of the new number one inspirational programmer in the USA, Joel Osteen.

Osteen preaches to an intimacy challenged congregation of 30,000! Of course it takes four services every Sunday at his Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas, to feed the flock. You can read a critique about it here at here.

According to one of Osteens critics, Michael Horton, a theology prof at Westminster Theological Seminary, Joel’s ‘twinkie’ theology has reduced God to a ‘cosmic bellhop’ who runs around getting stuff that YOU want, including ‘sweet’ parking spaces at busy malls and VIP treatment in restaurants.

Of course when you think about the big picture, this was probably inevitable. When Queen Isabella commissioned Christopher Columbus to find gold and unimaginable riches in the New World it was all for the glory of the Church, I mean Spain.

Her other 'great idea' was to end centuries of peaceful coexistence in Spain between the Jews, Muslims and Christians with a nasty little organization known as the Spanish Inquisition! Sh*t Happeneth.

Here endeth today's sermon