Thursday, December 07, 2006

HEY GOOD LOOKIN'
WHATCHA GOT COOKIN'?

Let's be honest...Cooking Shows are not really just about Cooking and Society no longer resembles the Leave It To Beaver June Cleaver world of the 50s anymore does it? So WHY are they still reheating this tired old format? Aren't they getting spread a little too thin?

I mean C'MON you and I are never, ever, going to try and duplicate those ridiculous recipes....pffft!

First of all most of us don't have 5,ooo square feet of Kitchen space that is equipped with $200,000 worth of equipment and a pantry that is overflowing and stocked with every known edible substance on the planet.

These televisual feasts began in the 50s so that advertisers could sell crap to the ubiquitous American Housewife. But those days and demographics are gone, so why are they still making these shows and for whom?

HEllO!
Cooking shows featuring Hottie Hostesses are served up for Gay Women, Gay Men and and a smattering of straight guys.

Shows featuring Hunky Hosts are primarily whipped up for Gay Men and a sprinkling of straight women.

For the record I am not a homophobe and I have Gay friends and relatives just like you do..whether you realise it or not.

I always enjoyed the odd foray out dancing with mixed company at Whateverpeg's hot gay bar Geo's, and in all of my years in commercial real estate I never had more fun than when I relocated our city's lesbian nightclub, Ms Purdy's, back to their original location.

That being said have you ever noticed that Martha is actually 'pretty butch' but most of the other gals are sooo girly. Why would housewives want to look at women that are so pulled together in the middle of the day anyway?

According to urban legend and stereotypical TV and Film representations of persons who are biologically homosexual in their orientation...oh for gawdsake...
look most people believe that Gay people spend an inordinate amount of time finessing in the kitchen and are more fanatical about entertaining in a perfectly coordinated home...right?

What are the odds that the Ad Geniuses are going to waste millions of dollars on an endangered species like stay at home run of the mill housewives sittin' around scratchin' themselves in their moo-moos while eating a bag of storebought cookies and watchin' Springer, Maury or Montel?

Puh-leeze!

Ok maybe a few, but they are throwin' money out the window!
Here is a good example...
My buddy Within, Without and I are big fans of Nigella...mmmm...
I must confess that we have actually watched her show when we get together during our weekly guy's night out.

BUT...We could care less what she is cooking up because one cannot help but notice the goodies on her rack. If that doesn't give you a hankerin' for some English Muffin what would? Which segment of the population is interested in tarts like her? Hmmm?

So basically those advertisers are simply burning their money when a couple of mooks like us watch her?

What about the latest Flavour of the Month, the terminally perky Rachel Ray. Which daytime viewers are really interested in her pie?








Now Ladies, I ask you...why would they call Jamie Oliver's show the Naked Chef?
Who likes his buns?








If The Naked Chef looked more like this then ordinary housewives and gay men would be a lot happier.
Now you're cookin' with gass!







One exception may be South Park's Chef who dispenses the vital ingredients to young adults for
makin' L O V E, old school.
But I may be wrong about that too.






Unfortunately my Mother's generation had to set their timers for Graham's crackers..ew...
well it was either him or the amazonian Julia Childs?
Can you say Man Hands!

It should be obvious by now who these shows are really made for. It's time to just accept the fact that what's cookin' on TV may not be designed for the one size fits all world...

so you don't have to feel guilty about pulling it all together anymore.

Whew!

27 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:14 PM

    Belated Happy Birthday, H.E.
    Hope you had a great one!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous2:19 PM

    One thing about cooking.
    For me, it's like drinking!
    I cook when I'm happy, when I'm sad or just to relax.
    In fact it's the only other activity that I enjoy doing on my own.

    ReplyDelete
  3. cream,
    HA! Well since you own and operate three restaurants I would expect no less.
    Thanks for the greeting. Someday I would love to meet you and sample your specialties at each location...that would probably take a couple of weeks eh?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous2:27 PM

    Cookery shows very similar to sexy movies...
    They arouse your hunger and get you cooking.

    ReplyDelete
  5. creme de la creme,
    Then my good man, as Shakespeare once wrote,
    get thee to a cookery!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous4:19 PM

    I practice my Nigella religiously, read her regularly and can do her snickerdoodles blindfold.

    *Licks fingers, smiles seductively and leaves the room with a firm wiggle of the hips and flick of the hair*

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hey!

    Why are you drawing me into this shallow male critique of cooking shows involving unbelievably hot female chefs?

    But, now that I'm trapped here...

    Nigella is THE Diva of Chicken Divan, the Shapely She of Shake n' Bake Chicken...

    They don't take those closeups the way they do for no reason, let's face it.

    The camera man zooms in on...let's see, the dish, or the DISH, which should it be...

    Ratings are everything. What's going to register with her male viewers?

    The 1 Tbsp of tumeric in that sauce or the heaping cup of cleavage that she's "inadvertently" showing?

    Duh.

    I've never tried one of her recipes. But we sure have tuned in to her cookbook.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I love her snickerdoodles too..
    I imagine that even blindfolded they'd be just as wonderful to nibble on!

    ReplyDelete
  9. within,
    I have drawn you in because YOU are a big fan of Nigella and her upperware. She really cooks!
    Maybe some day she'll show up and lend you a hand in the kitchen.
    Pity that we don't have a Kitchen Queen of our own...
    Ain't that peculinary??

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous5:53 PM

    At least as far as Nigella goes, I think the advertisers know exactly who watches that program. Or theyr'e the dumbest marketers who ever lived. I don't know a single woman who watches the show, but LOADS of blokes who do, and none of them have ANY interst in cooking.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It cracked me up once when jamie oliver was on oprah -years ago -I mean on her show , not ON her.I'm sure that everyone was expecting to be dazzled -and what did he do??? Cooked some pasta, mixed some olive oil through it and squashed up some tomatoes with his hands and chucked them in -and that was it.She was struggling to know what to say about it -haha.I can't stand it when T.V. chefs make some kind of wanker food such as a little bit of goats cheese and a rocket leaf. Who is that supposed to feed? Or there'll be recipe and it'll say only $4.57 per serving. Oh, frig -I would never spend that much on food.Sorry, got carried away.

    ReplyDelete
  12. ive watched all of em...and i have to agree with you...theyre just poster childs of the gay generation. Nigella bites, indeed, and rachel ray...I havent caught her here, but man I cant wait!!!

    But one guy, okay two guys who I really love to watch is Tony Bourdain and Floyd simply for their flair and candor. Others are jst pretenders.

    Im straight.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I dont watch tv but as you know i love to cook. We got what is essentailly a medievil weapons rack for our wedding gift with knives for every possible situation.

    You never see a show do the single mans meal, microwave a pie and open a beer. Would be a tad more realistic in this day and age when no one has home cooked meals anymore.

    Back in my day there would always be a hot home cooked meal on the table, regardless how many minutes mother would have to slave over the microwave... we didnt hear anyone complaining.

    ReplyDelete
  14. That's the great pity of it: as
    the clock winds down on these shows, guys are caught in the cross-beams (so to speak) of either
    delightfully warm muffins, and the
    primitive anticipation- will she
    actually turn into a couple of
    roast beast sandwiches (and a cold
    one, to wash 'em down) at midnight?
    Or not...

    ReplyDelete
  15. I love cooking. At home Im the better chef ;-).

    Cooking shows on TV...well I watch some of em and it always seems so much easier on TV :).


    haha @English Muffin pic!


    That guy with a bowl between his legs make me wanna puke. Really, thats not very appetising and na I aint a lesbian.


    My fav chef is the Naked Chef...Jamie Oliver. I agree he's got great buns but I sure hope he dun cook like that other guy in that pic. That would put me off LOL!

    Keshi,

    ReplyDelete
  16. we have to agree ... Martha is hot!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous5:09 AM

    i think i'm a little bit in love with the naked chef there. what a smile! (he looks like he knows something i don't.)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous8:20 AM

    drools over the pastry chef... contemplates sending HE pie...

    I LOVE cooking shows! They give me all kinds of ideas!

    I never put them to use, but still.

    "First of all most of us don't have 5,ooo square feet of Kitchen space that is equipped with $200,000 worth of equipment and a pantry that is overflowing and stocked with every known edible substance on the planet."

    See? That's why. I need a state-of-the-art kitchen to encourage me to start cooking all the time. Because I do love to cook... sadly I have no one to feed. I'll have to drag people in off the street to eat whatever I make.

    I LOVE Rachel Ray ~ she's so happy! I've hooked my nephews on her show. I think they both have a crush on her but they deny it.

    ReplyDelete
  19. it was your birthday? so so sorry i missed it? do i still get a sugar flower. that aside, i sorta stopped absorbing when you mentioned nigella. mmmm. yummy, yummy nigella.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh cooking and the bohemian simply do not mix! Baking is my thing... cakes and breads and muffins and even food, if baked, is heaven and I can spend hours in a kitchen for that but cooking? Chopping? Prepping? SHOOT ME P-LEASE!

    Thank goodness for Loverboy. He is a man resigned to the fact that I am never to be domesticated and luckily, loves to cook and is amazing at it...

    As for the TV personalities listed? I want to beat Martha Stewart bloody... I hate her voice, I hate her stiffness, I hate her guts, I hate her smugness, I hate her period!!! BLAH!

    I want to punch Rachael Ray and tape her damn loud mouth shut! She annoys the hell out of me yet for some reason my little boy loves her, the husband doesn't mind her (damn bastard!) and the Arab TV channels (that cater to English Speakers) show her daily! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!! SHOOT ME SOME MORE!!!!

    I DO, however, like Jamie Oliver... I love to watch him work... he flows and has an ease and such a connection with food... but his teeth need a good damn cleaning. They distract me and just simply gross me out... so yeah, Jamie? Clean your damn teeth and stop spitting when you talk and we shall be good to go!

    Dios mio!

    What is it with you, my dear HE, in that you can even rile me up with talk of cooking??? *sigh* Perhaps I need to go back to therapy! Dammit!

    ReplyDelete
  21. chaucer's bitch,
    HELLO! Blokes are watchin' it and she could be reading from the telephone directory for all they care! She is a saucy minx.

    lee,
    Poor Oprah..she always says the same things anyway...she should have had her uberhangeron and (whatever nudge nudge?) Gail field the tough ones.

    ghosty,
    AHA! Do you ever try any of those creations? There is something strangely rewarding about watching other people work/cook/etc and I think that must be part of it.

    aidan,
    you are right somebody needs to do a MAN show..they can open a can of something, nuke it and open a beer and then spend the next 29 minutes talking about sports and sex.

    grumbly,
    I love how you sear through the malarky and tackle the heart of the matter...where are those roast beef sandwhiches..it's all fantasy... food for thought!

    kesh,
    You're right..gettin' nekked in the kitch is wrong on so many levels..too many sharp objects..and being a germaphobe I am literally shaking as I type this..can't...go..on...must...save..others...

    nlocco,
    greetings Earthling. Martha is hot?
    I can only think of her from the spoof on Mad TV or SNL..anyway she was portrayed talking about Valentine's and the deafening silence of her own home.

    She said that she likes to defecate in a box and then decorate and drop it off at her ex husbands house...she rings the doorbell and yells Happy F*cking Valentines Day you Bastard and runs away..
    afterall,
    Hatred is a form of Passion.

    chaucer's bitch,
    This is the blogosphere so feel free to bring him home.

    laura e,
    Nobody has a kitchen like that..and if they do they can afford to have 'the help' do the cooking anyway!
    Why is Rachel so gawddam happy anyway..oh yeah she has the Oprah machine behind her.HELLO!
    She is perky and that smear campaign on her husband was totally uncalled for. She must act exactly as she is portrayed in real life...terminally perky...I can't imagine her as a jeckyl and hyde like Martha.

    ReplyDelete
  22. You are so wrong. I don't watch television but if I do, I watch the animal planet or the Cooking Channel. I love Nigella, she is so sensuous. Cooking and eating to me are very sensuous activities. I love Giada De Laurentis, she can cook. Martha is boring but her books are marvelous. I am not a gay woman, not yet anyway! Rachel Gray is cute and she eats all those food, God bless her she has not ballooned to size 18. Mario Batalli is okay but I wish he wears long pants, Jamie is boring. Julia Child is my heroine. I LOVE JULIA CHILD!!! I have two autographed books. She gave me personal advice on knives. Women, regular women, at least I think I am a regular woman, we do have these cooking gadgets and pots and pans and knives and dishes (Ces and her Dishes) and we entertain and we set the table and we serve beautiful delicious meals served on pretty dishes and fine china and silver and lead free fine stemware. We look pulled together in the middle of the day. I have prepared dinners wearing a suit because I had no time to change, no mess, no spills. When we are not cooking, we do other interesting things, we even wear sexy lingerie, go to the office looking smart and elegant and thinking and using our brains and live life to the fullest and don't ask us what we do with our men.

    ReplyDelete
  23. It's really heartwarming to see
    the outpourings of so many cooks,
    in touch with their inner selves.
    I hate being the one to put the p
    in your pickled herring guys, but
    you can pound it, massage it, marinate it any way you like, but
    the meat ain't ready until SHE says
    it's ready- and she's got the mallet. Now, where's the remote
    control? There's something on about
    preparing range-fed lark's tongue,
    or was it, how to avoid prematurely
    creme-ing the Creme Brulee? Whatever...

    ReplyDelete
  24. I love cooking and I love watching cooking shows. I used to watch Graham Kerr all the time! I thought he was so adorable! And do you remember the Frugal Gourmet? I had a crush on his assistant. *blush* I also love Giada DeLaurentiis' name, but I've never seen her show. Oh and Nick Stellino - I loved his little stories about his Italian family. Hmm - I just noticed that all the chefs I liked to watch were men. I guess that just supports your theory.

    I'd have to say that my current favourite cooking show is Take Home Chef, with Curtis Stone. There is something so dreamy about that man and his accent. The premise of the show is wonderful - he picks up some (usually at least semi-hot looking) woman at the grocey store with his camera crew in tow, buys her groceries and goes home with her to cook a fantastic meal in her kitchen for her family (or whomever she's feeding that evening). No 5000 sq.ft. of kitchen space, no fancy kitchen gadgets. I love it and I wish he would come to Montreal and come play in my kitchen.

    ReplyDelete
  25. {illyria},
    Ooh lala..nigella is yummy! Iam HEARING what you are saying. Wow I was unaware that there was anything to be absorbed from my nattering..
    I should take that into consideration...hmmm.

    Miz Bohemia,
    I thought that you would have a 'thing' for perky Rachel Ray..
    she is just soooo gosh darn nice as opposed to Martha who comes across as being sooo cold and controlling and phoney baloney!
    I imagine that Jamie's teeth are just a product of genetics and the much maligned British Dental Association of which there are apparently only 5 members to service the 60 million people in the UK.

    ces,
    *gulp...
    My word I have been sufficiently spanked...you have dismantled my satirical summation with a vengeance...let us put this ugliness behind us and never speak of it again.

    anna,
    I think that I have seen that show...it is a lot more palatable than others. I understand that everyone craves a little escapism and fantasy..but most people don't have the energy to create fabulous meals when they get home from work.
    I have supper ready for my goodladywife every day and sometimes wrack my brains trying to keep a variey of meals fresh and interesting..and slowly cut down on the portions because our long winters are very conducive to pigging out on comfort food and hibernating.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Maybe I'll post a few fast and easy and yummy recipes for you to keep things in the kitchen interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  27. anna,
    OK I am always 'up' for something new.

    ReplyDelete

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