Friday, April 27, 2007

Although I am enthusiastic about sharing the planet with other multicellular organisms I have a strong aversion to being eaten by one of them.

To tell the truth I have have never been able to decide which predation would be the proverbial worst way to go. Exhumed and listed below are the principal terrorists from my childhood nightmares....

Appropriately labelled 'ursus arctos horribulus' this monstrous omnivorous cousin of the pig
(males are Boars and females are Sows)can weigh up to 1500
pounds and run 35 miles per hour!
Grizzly_ Bears scare the hell out of me and I could think of little else if I was hiking in the foothills of Alberta..unless I was with some that I could easily outrun?!

If you enjoy the 'odd' documentary, Grizzly Man is an incredible examination of a delusional champion of the wild named Timothy Treadwell who spent 13 summers living unarmed in a tent amongst Grizzlys until the inevitable self fulfilling prophecy took place.

Polar Bear
Several hours to the North by plane is one of the largest concentrations of the equally gigantic but far more dangerous Polar_Bear .
During Hallowe'en Night in Churchill, Manitoba, children collect candy while everyone else is patrolling the outskirts of the town in their trucks.
Polars, being products of a harsh environment, will eat anything, anytime, anywhere..

The Grizzly Man would not have lasted 13 summers living beside Polars..he would not have lasted 13 minutes.

Since I cannot decide which Bear is more terrifying there is a tie breaker..a Grizzly-Polar Hybrid has been discovered ..the product of the closely related species interbreeding in overlapping territories.

Great White Shark
One word..JAWS!
The Whiteshark may be an endangered species but the thing of it is they can be over 20 feet long and weigh a couple of tons. Chances are that you will die from drowning or simply exsanguinate from the 30 pound excavation of your body mass.

Komodo Dragon
This 300 pound reptile,the world's largest Lizard, the Komodo_Dragon delivers a quick toxic bite with it's 52 one inch teeth and waits patiently for the prey to die from the 15 strains of virulent saliva oozing in it's mouth from rotting carrion.

The 'Fierce' snake, the world's deadliest terrestrial serpent, is a 9 foot long creature that can kill 100 men with a single bite of it's venom.
I have witnessed a televisual demonstration of how a litre of human blood congeals into a thick 'gelatin' within minutes..hmm having my blood turn to jello courtesy of the Taipan's venom..

Divorce Lawyer
Ruthless, cunning, and willing to suck the very life out of their prey is perhaps the most dangerous creature of all, the dreaded Divorce Lawyer.

Bereft of a soul or conscience these vampiric predators wait undetected until the scent of marital discord and endless billable hours whips them into a frenzy. Without hesitation Divorce Lawyers unleash the full force of their arsenal; legalistic mumbo jumbo, adversarial politics, malice aforethought, and shameless theatrics upon the already wounded remorseful and self loathing prey items.

By clamping on the victim's assets like a Pit Bull they meticulously extract the heart, wallet and eventually the prey item's soul...
which they will later gnaw on after they drag the carcass around town in full view of the public. Not a pretty sight and you actually have to pay to have it done to you.

I guess I'll go with the's the fastest way to go.



  1. | Let's know it..

  2. I fear being eaten by a giant blancmange.

  3. You great big girly.
    We had Margaret Thatcher for Prime Minister.

  4. I have been eaten, digested and passed and emerged pretty much the same as I went in. Says a lot about my original condition, I suppose.

  5. at 20 foot cockroach. sad life i lead.

    Now, the polar-grizzly hybrid looks awsome.

  6. I have worried about being eaten alive... and I wish I could bring myself to post what I am really thinking right now... but I just can't. This must be a residual effect of being raised in the Roman Catholic Church...

  7. mj,
    You were obviously raised on Monty Python instead of Sesame Street.

    Waaa it's true I am a complete wuss!
    I'm glad that you had Thatcher and not you suppose that her and Ronny R. ever did the horizontal mambo in the oval orifice?

    You have utterly confounded me with your fancy, schmancy, enigma, wrapped in a riddle, shrouded in mystery, thingamabob.

    Lay off the Tequila man!

    HA Ya BIG CHICKEN! What a big softball down the middle eh?
    I was wondering who would step up to the plate, throw caution to the wind, and wax boldly on the unspeakable pleasures of cunning linguistics.

  8. tee hee

    There have been quite a few black bear sightings around here lately. We saw a baby years ago. I wanted to watch his little bum wiggle while he ran but Dave freaked out and drove off. To answer your question, A lion. They're one of my favorite animals and yet the one I fear the most.

  9. Maybe this is Kindness maybe not12:54 p.m.

    Ok, ok... I worry about never being eaten alive ever again. I admit it... LOL

  10. christine,
    Grrreat answer. Have you ever watched the Ghost In The Darkness?Over a nine month period in 1898, two large male lions killed and ate nearly 140 railway workers in Tsavo!!!

    maybe it is maybe it ain't,
    Well that's because little boys are always told to eat at the table and not to munch on the carpet.

  11. Yes, Taipan! Only because I cannot stand paying...

  12. used to have a horrible, horrible phobia about being devoured by insects while alive.
    in fact, thats still pretty horrible. sorry i thunk it now.
    gee thanks.


  13. Tiny, picky point here...a Taipan could NOT kill 100 men with one bite.The toxicity of one release of venom may be sufficient to do in several humans, but even this fast fella couldn't fang that many!(And, yes, the Taipan is fast.)
    We had a "ickle baby" snake on the back step yesterday evening.P. called me to see it and asked was it a brown treesnake.Yes, it was, very small so probably not old.We just watched it slither slowy under the stairs.So that makes 3 species I've seen here.Not, thank goodness, a Taipan.But I am in Taipan country.
    Do pop round for supper some day!

  14. An animal will kill you before it eats you. But cancer is another thing .. I guess that is like a divorce lawyer (never had either so I can't be sure)

  15. cream,
    yes free, quick, and painful that's the way to go...well 2 out of 3 eh.

    first nations,
    Which ones, those red army ants, leaf cutter, bulldog, c'mon...oh maybe it's maggots! ewww! How about getting nibbled by a Zillion'd probably still giggle a bit...insects are gross.

    Now now,
    "The venom from a single bite of the inland taipan might be potent enough to kill about 250,000 mice, or the mouse equivalent of 100 men" I didn't mean to imply that they slither around chasing and killing 100 men, although that would make a good movie..especially if they were trapped on an Airplane..HEY!
    I'll come for dinner in Knight's Armor!

    Aloha! Well touch wood that you never do. Unfortunately there are a few things that will commence to sup on you before you expire...especially if you don't have enough common sense to die from fear in the first place!
    Gawd this is a depressing post.

  16. The Ghost In The Darkness is a fave ;)

  17. christine,
    I loved the scene when he sees his wife at the train station..oh and the boxcar trap, the hospital..
    I might have to watch it tonight.

  18. My dog and I were hiking in the mountains many years ago. We were several miles out when she stopped in the middle of the trail and would not budge, nor would she let me around her.

    I took out the field glasses and scanned the area and much to my surprise I saw a grizzly bear in the meadow ahead. The bear, fortunately, was more interested in the berries he was eating than me. But I have to say it was an eerie sight and we turned around and headed back to the trailhead at a quick pace.

    That was a close enough encounter for me!

  19. Yes, by my own children if I do not feed them by 1700hours every night!!!

  20. laurie,
    In 77 I was camping at Banff in the Canadian Rockies and there was a Grizz warning posted..after closing down a tavern my buddy and I came back to our site to see two Aussie blokes, pissed to the gills, hanging weiners on their tent so they could get a picture..
    I slept in the car..
    but I was awakened a few hours later as Park Rangers were evicting the bleary eyed protestant Aussies.
    I stayed in the car anyway.

    I hear ya! I love the movie Sirens. Hugh Grant is visiting Australia and as he reads the paper every morning he notices that everyday someone gets killed by a different animal..snake, shark, box jellyfish, spider on and on it was hilarious but I can't help but imagine your country as the most dangerous place on Earth HA!

  21. engrumbled12:46 a.m.

    I can't comment on being eaten alive, though I can "take a lickin' " like any man. A grin crosses my visage as I think of all
    the Darwin Award candidates who seem to gravitate toward shows in
    the Wild Kingdom genre. These boneheads are fond of sauntering into pits full of venomous critters (usually, in flip-flops),
    while yet other a$$wholes are busy
    stressing out crocs, bears, lions,
    or other convenient carnivores, then conducting loud, gassy, pseudoscientific raps (with their
    heads inserted between massive jaws, and bone-crunching teeth.
    Guess their parents must have forked up for their snazzy Yale education, in finger-painting?) I'm not seeing much applied common sense, but I'll be happy to supply the BBQ sauce, if it helps them to fulfill their manifest destinies...

  22. Coming from the land where Great Whites love to roam, I'd have to say that would be my worst nightmare. A man who was diving in Australia recently pulled himself out of the jaws of a Great White by stabbing it in the eye with his fingers. The shark let go long enough for him to pull himself free and somehow he managed to get to the surface where his son pulled him into the boat. He was in all the way up to his waist. Can you imagine how frigging terrifying that would have been. Apart from lacerations everywhere and a broken jaw, he got out of it relatively unscathed. It makes my blood run cold just thinking about it.

  23. I would rather be eaten alive by one large predator than a million tiny insects, all nibbling away at me. That's the one that gives me the willies. Like ants. I really really really really really don't want to be eaten alive by ants. I'd take the grizzly any day over ants.

    How's that for a nightmare fer ya?

  24. I arrived here wondering why I'd not visited your blog before... having seen you in comments boxes for a loooong time.....

    but eeek this is too scary. After seeing Born Free I used to terrify myself as a child -lying in my comfy bed in my suburban south london home, 3rd floor - imagining a hungry lion racing up the stairs.

  25. (phew. didn't kill me)

  26. You should have been Marlin Perkins' assistant on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. I really think you should contact the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet and get your own show. I, along with many others, would watch religiously. Seriously.

  27. grumbleraptor,
    and keep on tickin!
    I love the Darwin awards and you're right I think Mother Nature fully intended to keep our numbers in check by predation from large multicellular carnivores. Unfortunately a disturbingly large proportion of our population still has the 'DUH wonder what would happen if I poked this thing with a stick' gene.

    angel sans wings,
    I cannot begin to tell you how many documentaries, books, articles blah blah that I have watched on Great Whites. Thank goodness that there is atleast one creature that they are terrified of (it's only fair). Orcas are known to kill them and eat their livers Yum Yum.
    I have Rodney Fox's Shark Tour on my favorites and I fully intend to get over there and cage dive with Whites...I will be wearing Depends because I will definitely soil myself.

    chaucer's bitch,
    I agree just get it over with. A nice quick decapitation in the jaws of a HUGE carnivore would be ideal.

    I neglected to include a lot of critters that I would rather not encounter like hyaenas..they are the most EVIL looking creatures on the planet and the females have a fake penis which is actually a sizable erectile clitoris WTH?

    As free as the wind blows
    As free as the grass grows...

    That was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid. I laughed I cried I was terrified and I'll never forget the line
    "She was born free and she has the right to DIE FREE!" Huh. maybe it was live free or die, no that's New Hampshire there aren't any Lions I'm confused.

    Good Ole Marlin..I loved his segues..
    Just as Jim Fowler is being slowly strangled to death by this 500 pound 30 foot long Anaconda so can your family if you died without Life insurance from Mutual of Omaha.

    Of course the big to-do about the show was how Jim was always "mud-wrestling with alligators, struggling to get free from the vice-like grip of a massive water snake, running from unexpectedly awakened elephants or seemingly angered sea lions, or jumping from a helicopter onto the back of an elk to emphasize the dangerous, dramatic or comedic interplay between man and beast"

    It was sort of the precursor to Jackass and the Darwin Awards.

  28. I was on a hiatus from your blog. Not intentionally though. ]

    And I come to see this. You are getting blood curdling. I am scared of being eaten alive by the homo escapeons. THey eat bones and all leaving nothing.

    Most dangerous species on earth.

  29. gautami,
    Hi Ate Us!
    I was always told to finish eating everything on my plate

    (cue Nancy Sinatra)
    "This Blog can be confusin'
    but that's just what I do,
    and one of these days my brain,
    is gonna explode all over you"

    I can assure you that I pose no real danger to your personsal well being other than the obvious assault on your high standards.

    That being said, my thinly veiled plan to dominate the hearts and minds of every living being on the planet is progressing at an excruciatingly modest pace.

  30. Chocolate soup. Yeah, it's them apes what are the dangerous ones :)

  31. I am a Huge fan of the Komodo Dragon. The island of Komodo has more deadly animals per square meter than anywhere else in the world.

    Being from the land down under however growing up around thing that can kill you is no biggie.. Best put by an Ausie Group The Scared Wierd Little Guys...

    Redback, Funnel-Web, Blue-ringed octopus Taipan, Tigersnake and a Box jellyfish Stonefish and the poison thing that lives in a shell
    That spikes you when you pick it up

    Come to Australia
    You might accidentally get killed

    Australian Tourist comision should look at that.

  32. I grew up in the country, and whilst I have a healthy respect for most dangerous animals, I wouldn't say I'm terrified by them. Except spiders, and that's just some weird irrational thing that didn't start until I was about 15. Snakes are fine as long as you don't piss them off, and angry sheep pose no danger if you're smart enough to be on a horse at the time. Should I ever happen to run into any of the animals mentioned in this post, I would probably shit myself. But that's ok, it will hard to be humiliated about that when I'm halfway down it's gullet.

  33. I read about that man that angel without wings mentioned -he is one very lucky bugger. He was actually worried about the fact that his son might be upset at seeing the blood in the water. A shark has just tried to have him for lunch and he's worried about that? Nice man.

    I have a thing where I wouldn't wish to be eaten alive by a crocodile. Or even eaten dead. If I was lying there dead as a doorpost -still wouldn't want to be eaten by a crocodile.

  34. Later. Just rememebered this (bad taste) song by John Williamson

    Crocodile Roll

    Havin a barbie by the river
    With no one else around
    A tropical honeymoon
    Knockin a Four X down
    She was standin in the water
    Eatin a pumpkin scone
    When CRUNCH! she was gone

    They were doin the crocodile roll
    The woman and the reptile
    Doin the crocodile roll
    In the middle of the river

    Down came her husband
    With a gun and a carving knife
    To slaughter every crocodile
    for takin his darling wife

    You can't go round eating Queenslanders
    You overgrown goannas
    I'll turn You all into shoes

    It was in the news
    They were doin the crocodile roll
    The husband and the reptile
    Doin the crocodile roll
    In the middle of the river

    Down came his bloodhound
    With mangy curly hair
    Picked up the scent
    Away he went
    Bum in the air
    Then the dog got carried away
    And ran out on a log
    When CRUNCH! no more dog

    They were doin the crocodile roll
    The canine and the reptile
    Doin the crocodile roll
    In the middle of the river

    Down came a wild pig
    Rootin all about
    The little swine
    drank the wine
    And really pigged it out
    Then the crocodile chased him round
    And the little pig said "up yours!"
    CRUNCH! into another crocs jaws

    They were doin the crocodile roll
    The porker and the reptile
    Doin the crocodile roll
    In the middle of the river

    Theres no moral to the story
    Just a brand new dance
    Grab your partner by the neck
    And swing your crocodile pants
    Dip your toe in the water
    Are you ready for romance?
    Swirl your tail around the floor
    C'mon take a chance

    Now your doin the crocodile roll
    Stirin up the mud
    Doin the crocodile roll
    In the middle of the river

    They were doin the crocodile roll
    Stirin up the mudcrabs
    Doin the crocodile roll
    In the middle of the river


  35. Oh great. I was trying to decide which is more horrible, they all are until you mentioned divorce lawyer.

    I am more afraid of dying a slow, painful, horrible death but being bitten by anything with flesh tearing teeth sounds horrible.

  36. I always hated the bit in one of the 007 movies where Blofeld (?) the Piranha Pit - shudder

  37. Jammer,
    Yes those Naked Apes are by far the most dangerous animals on the entire planet...and some of them will eat you, with or without, some fava beans and a nice chianti!

    The movie Sirens proved once and for all that Australia is the most DANGEROUS place in the world for humans to live.

    The continent moved into splendid isolation for a reason and it was never intended for human habitation. Good Luck.

    If I lived in 'Strilyer I would be checkin' my terlet for Brown snakes and my shoes for Funnel Webbies..I'd be a nervous wreck.
    I actually saw a documentary on a snake removal service in Sydney where this guy was yanking huge snakes out of bathrooms...they highlighted everything from Box Jellys to Blue Rings and they made it look as if 10,000 people a day would die from animal predation..aaaiiiyyyeee!

    That GWS victim was an amazing guy to have the prescence of mind to worry about his Son.
    Imagine having your body tucked away in the riverbank to soften up for lunch..eeewww.

    I am going to see if I can find that song..I don't suppose that the the Wiggles have done a cover version.

    Sorry. I would die of fright so it is moot point. However if the first bite missed an artery I would start holding my breath until I passed out.

    This is depressing.

    OOOh Pirahnas. I remember watching one of those cheesy documentaries from the 60s that filmed a horse being...OOOPS sorry...let's change that to a cow crossing the Amazon River and getting shredded into skeletal remains by thousands of those nasty little buggers.

    I would rather face the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.
    "What's he gonna do? Nibble yer bum?"

  38. he, i would also die of fright before anything took a bite of me. my worse fear, the truth be told, is an intruder standing at the foot of my bed. i rather face a bear than that (i think...)

    hope all is well with you,


  39. I fear being eaten alive by a human...ppl can swallow u alive u know.


  40. Remember Michael Fagan? He was the mentally disturbed fellow who broke into Buckingham Palace and into the Queen's bedroom where they chatted until 'the help' finally arrived.

    A similar event happened in our Prime Minister's residence at 24 Sussex when André Dallaire, armed with a knife, was stopped by the PM's wife Aline who slammed the door and locked it can obviously happen to anyone.

    I know you want some if you keep a gun by your bedside you are 6 times more likely to kill a family member than an intruder.

    If anyone ever broke into my home I would become the Bear and their worst nightmare. I would probably be too freaked out to ask any questions and just let nature take it's course.

    Nice angle.
    Yes we have to stick up for ourselves because for whatever reason we have to share this planet with tedious aresholes who spend their entire lives trying to manipulate others...

    they are bullys and they avoid people who stand up to them because their narcissism cannot handle any challenge to their position as the centre of the universe. Why, why, why?????

  41. You forgot to mention being attacked by 10 zillion mating fish flies within 10 seconds at Grand Beach or Falcon Lake...

    And being suffocated to death by their copulous materials penetrating every skin pore, let alone every body cavity.

    And if that doesn't do it, those long skinny tails they've got will tickle you to death.

    Plus, they stink like crazy.

  42. So what is for desert?

  43. without fishflys,
    This bizarre choice only proves my personal suspiscions and suggests to many others, that the fragile state of your little 'skirmish with reality' is tenuous at best, and not long for this world.

    Obviously you could have chosen from any number of terrifying carnivorous or venomous assailants which have been dining on humans since the dawn of time you silly person, and yet, here you decide to titter on so about fish flies?!

    Very well then, I shall have to see what Freud said about fish flies but I'm fairly certain that you're not going to like it.

    Ah Mr Creosote, so nice to see you again. Shall I send over six crates of tiny, thin, wafers and a bucket?

  44. Oh, what a whiney weasel you are. Try to be different, and he poops all over you.

    OK, I'll choose as my worst possible death by animal the African crocodile.

    You've seen 'em in all the Nat Geo specials. They come out of nowhere, grab the flesh and twist and turn round and round until within seconds you've been devoured alive in the ugliest possible way.

  45. I couldn't eat anuther F&*king thing!

    Ah but it is only a wittle waffer!

  46. winky weinerwater,
    Waaa! Thats better. The other crocs will hold parts of you so that the the one doing the death roll can rip off a chunk..OUCH!

    HA that has to be one of the most memorable scenes ever!

  47. truly- it never occurred to me!
    the lawyer would probably be closest to my nightmares...
    what i fear most is probably not being able to breathe, like drowning... its probably an asthma induced fear.
    and there's always those giant carnivorous cockroaches!

  48. angel,
    Well South Africa is one of the world's hot spots for Great Whites!
    That is my numero uno fear..although I have to admit that if worst came to worst I would ram my head into the mouth to facilitate a quick departure..I would hate to be conscious and sinking in a pool of my own blood into the cold dark abyss while waiting for another attack..gawd that's morbid.


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