Friday, September 15, 2006


In the aftermath of the random senseless slaughter of innocent students in Montreal it seemed like a good idea to post a reassuring feelgood post about cute cuddly critters..

aaah they are soooo cute!!!!


As far as I am concerned the depraved homicidal/ suicidal f*cking asshole (your infamy secured I strike your name ), received a far too lenient sentence for his crimes..a self inflicted painless instant death.

His family and more importantly his Victims and their families will suffer from his actions far more than he did. It is unfair and unjust. However many Canadians are morally opposed to the Death Penalty. Some people think that it is cruel and unusual punishment to die at the hand of another human...however remarkably similar to the cruel and unusual horror that the victims experienced. So be it.

Therefore for future reference involving 'captured' homicidal maniacs I have devised a 100% Natural Recycling Program. Yes I am in favor of Recycling not Rehabilitating Psychotic Sociopaths...albeit my plan is a tad Romanesque (thumbs down) and perhaps a little melodramatic...speaking of d-r-a-m-a...

hey Death Boy Goth Fake f*cking Vampire Bullsh*t Oh The World Hates Me Boo Hoo Hoo Little F*cking Piece Of Sh*t Motherf*cker You want some DRAMA, you needed some NEGATIVE ATTENTION..

My word..sorry about that... where was I.... oh yes..


Why not let Nature take it's course..with a little nudge here and there. Instead of a firing squad, lethal injection or hanging we could outsource the executioning of sadistic murderers back to the Animal Kingdom.

100% All Natural...

Food Chain Friendly...

Systematically Symbiotic...

No Animals Are Being Harmed...

Nature Taking Its Course ..

The Karmic Cafeteria.

We all recognise that when other 'Animals' kill they do not commit murder, they just hunt, ...and they have been hunting and consuming Humans since day one. So really it is a Recycling Program that solves two problems. Who wouldn't feel good about preserving an Endangered Species.


One solution is to let the convicted 'prey item' go swimming ( water skiing would make for better reality TV, we could call it PREY FOR ME) in the in the area known as the strike zone. A strip of water that separates the Seal Colony from the open Ocean.

Patiently awaiting the Seals while patrolling the bottom and glancing above for shadows and motion is the Great White Shark. With a sudden burst of speed the Shark torpedos the prey item from below with a force great enough to carry more than one ton of the world's largest carnivorous fish into the air.

A bone crunching aortic tearing bite is delivered and the prey item is left to bleed out, go into shock and drown. This way the shark avoids being injured. Once the shark is satisfied that dinner is dead (or close enough) it casually moves in to consume it's meal in 30 pound chunks.


Next on my list is a much slower gruesome exit courtesy of the world's largest Lizard. The Komodo Dragon has a mouth oozing and constantly dripping with toxic saliva. To secure a meal it simply has to nip it's victim and wait for the bacteria to finish them off.

Survivors are you ready for todays challenge?

The painful slow septic demise of the Deer ,Wild Boar, or convicted Prey Item, is usually prematurely interrupted as a voracious pack of slobbering Komodos rush in to consume the dead (or close enough) prey item and tear it apart in huge reptilian gulps.

This process of eating rotting flesh enables the Komodo's saliva to become even more concentrated and toxic.... Nasty.

No doubt some of you may be hesitant to endorse this breathtakingly simple program so I will give you a bit of time to chew it over.


  1. I can the way our bloodthirsty society is so much like Rome already...even the downfall part.

    The attack at the school in Montreal proves only that there are dumbsh*ts in every country. What a coward! All these random-shooter-types are just lamers with no life to begin with, or to end with.

  2. I think killers should be shared between the Shark and the Dragon... down the middle...

  3. It sounds like it would cost way too much money with the studies of the effects on the sharks psyche and the ill effects of indigestion by the poor Komodo dragons. Island life with one coconut tree and 800 miles with nothing around but sharks suits me fine but remember only one coconut tree and a infa red radar zone around the island so no people could interfere.
    I like hurricane season......

  4. I vote for the komodo dragon. I think it would make for a better show.

    But how about one of those big anacondas? Now, I'd watch that.

    Or a bear. Pack of wild dogs?

    Or all of them at the same time in an all out brawl type fight.

  5. No, I think the convicted should be left in a room with the families of the victims. I wonder how many "good, Christian" families will come out of those rooms not covered in blood?

  6. Lovely ones! And helping to preserve other species, while preserving our own simultaneously.

    Other ideas:

    1. Strap 'em to a wildebeest in Africa just before the big migration across those watering holes where hundreds of 'em always get eaten by crocs.

    2. Create 10 x 10 impenetrable outdoor, open air prisons in tropical jungles and let 'em die slowly after contracting malaria or other diseases from infected mosquitos.

    3. Pin their eyelids open and force them to watch reruns of Dubya on Jib Jab

  7. tidalgrrrl,
    There always seems to be cycle with Empires and I think that you are right about the current one. The halcyon days are a but a memory...
    evil is no respecter of borders or nations...every society has them..and always will.

    Hi cream,
    Always the diplomat eh? I am not sure how that would translate to the small screen.

    Welcome back stranger! We could arrange for therapists for the sharks and leave crates of ENO for those poor Dragons. What if the hurricanes accidently blew them back to Civilisation?? I would sleep better at night if I had a little more closure.

    Komodos 1
    Great Whites 0
    Unfortunately Anacondas are incapable of swallowing full grown adult humans...apparently our shoulders are a bit too wide.

    Grizzlys and Polar Bears would do nicely..Hyaenas and Wolves..Ok this is getting too creepy...I am losing my resolve...
    My point was...what the hell was my point? Oh yeah it was an exploration of reaction to horrendous events. Gut reaction. Rage. Inequality. Justice. all in the theatre of the absurd...I don't think that the average person can really handle outrage..we become just as dangerous..that is the NATURAL reaction..fight back.

    the michael,
    Ah yes the timeless solution..answer is that there would not be a single Parent emerging without blood on their could they pass up an opportunity like matter what the cost. I know what I would do.

    windows 98,
    They would choke to death on the dust during the Wilderbeast migration..well mosquitos are technically the most dangerous animals in the world, again not much of a JibJab, I think that we are finally on track and getting away from the morbid satire. the Dubya pieces on JibJab are too funny so I don't think that laughing to death is much of a punishment.

  8. Ooooh! Me like! Can we throw rapists into the mix too? How about using lions? I do looooove lions!

  9. oh man...the imagery. God bless the souls who departed too early.

    I just wish there is a ship that can drop these buggers on the moon and take out the oxygens. I wonder how many millions more are hiding out there.

    //ur wish is my command, the next installment of the pluto story will have ur character..u evil dictator!//

  10. Here is another torture suggestion - the offender should be forced to listen to such singers as mariah carey and michael bolton until they beg for the mercy a swift beheading.It could work.

  11. just realised that it should be "of a" - that might make more sense :).

  12. oooh, i LIKE it.
    now, how about lion parks- popular in south africa. they are wild and stupid people getting out of their cars to take pictures despite posted warnings are invariably attacked... i say set up grandstands with live TV feed and just put the "prey" in the enclosure. lions seldom leave anything behind so there is no need for clean up either!

  13. miz bohemia,
    Certainly You can add rapists to the list and we will smear peanut butter & honey on their parts!

    I am so glad that you mentioned Lions..that adds that a little oomph to the whole 'Roman' thingamabob.

    I shudder to think how many psychos are waiting in the wings..waiting for the voices in their head to give them the OK sign.
    As a futurist you are well aware that these defective people will be weeded out in the future through some sort of brain scan...

    I am SOOOOOOOOOO excited to be the template for an evil dictator in your novella Yippee!

    I may be a sadistic heartless bastard but NOBODY deserves to be tortured by Michael Bolton...does he have his Uber-Mullet back?

    As for Mariah..sigh..she is an object for your pity and not your scorn.

    Holy Darwin Awards Batman!
    I don't think that we should mess with Mother Nature.
    The dimschitz who voluntarily take themselves out of our gene pool must be allowed to continue..
    as they say...

    One open car door at a Game Preserve for Man...
    One giant leap for Mankind!

  14. STill cannot support the death penalty, doesnt stop murder only creates more murderers..

    Its his type which give goths a bad name, "most" goths are intelgent but generaly a tad jaded with existance etc. The media ran with it because it generates a culture of fear, the perfect environemtn for mass consumerism.

    However prey for me sounds so much better than the rubbish which circulates the air waves these days.
    After reading last chance to see i have had a soft spot for the dragon.

  15. aidan,
    I know that most Goths are just dour, bored, kids who thrive on Negative Attention and get a thrill out of shocking people with their vampiric fashion faux pas..

    Prey For Me could be a huge hit and as scary as that seems, somebody, somewhere, probably has a couple episodes on the internet...

  16. I endorse darwin! Survival of the fittest!

  17. While impractical, and as attractive as the dragon and shark are, I'd like to see such offenders left completely, totally alone in a barren wasteland. No contact with ANY living thing. Think of the mental implications of that.

  18. grumbleton5:43 p.m.

    Le's see, what's on the menu tonight... one from column 'A', one
    from column 'B', is it? Shark, or
    Komodo. Hey, wait! Why are they listed as "Satisfied Customers"?
    Wonder if they do Take Out orders?

  19. Unfortunately Anacondas are incapable of swallowing full grown adult humans...apparently our shoulders are a bit too wide.


    What about those ones in that movie with Ice Tea and Jennifer Lopez? Are you telling me that wasn't real?

  20. I can't say I'm entirely keen on capital punishment. I have 2 very good reasons for this:
    1 - I believe even criminals have rights such as the chance to reform or regret. No matter the action, their chance to start again after their punishment should never be denied. Criminals also have families, feelings, ambitions, and all the things that "normal" people have. They are not sub-human and should not be put down like a vicious dog (not that I'm in favour of that either, really). "Execution" is just a word for legalised murder.
    2 - Serving time in jail is a more meaningful punishment than simply dying. A jail term affects your whole life - relationships, prospective employment, your own perspective on the world... whereas in dying all you lose is life. Losing everything but continuing to live is surely more harrowing than just dying?

  21. H.E., stop holding back and tell us what you really think!

  22. that goth freaked me out man! If he was obsessed with death why didnt he just kill himself..why take others' lives? what a selfish person he was. But anyways he's dead now. Hopefully all others who are thinking of such crazy acts wont implement them after reading this story.

    Komodo dragons are scarrrrry! I dun wanna see anyone dying that way...not even an enemy or someone like this killer. U know me dun u HE :)


  23. gautami,
    Well the brainy side of the gene pool better come up with a brilliant idea to futurecast random acts of mindless violence...we need a better screening process...Back at the dawn of society a crazed member of the tribe would have been dealt with quickly and severely..otherwise He would take over and rule with an iron fist.

    frontier editor,
    That would be great..except the delusioned are never really alone with all of those voices in their heads...they probably wouldn't even even in the most remote corner of the world something would still eventually eat them anyway.

    mayor of grumbleton,
    Satisfied and repeat customers are the basis for any successful restaurant. A meal of approx. 200 pounds will last the Komodo quite a while but it ain't much for a big white who has to keep the muscles generating a little heat in that cold water. Humans don't have enough fat.
    Surprisingly, this so called cold blooded Fish has the ability to elevate it's body amazing adaptation to hunting fat protein laden pinnipeds.

    Do you really think that an Anaconda could swallow all of JLo's bootylicious bod?
    C'mon man...nor can I swallow Jon (Angelina Jolie's pop) Voight's over the top performance in that movie... OUCH what a stinker!

    In theory yes living in prison for half a century with the curse of your deeds haunting you every second seems like a terrible punishment except for one thing...these guys don't care...they have zero remorse...they now are living better than they ever have in their entire life..three squares a day..access to a university from the other inmates..drugs..cable TV..gym...shall I continue.
    Certainly there are instances of young lives making bad choices that may be able to be reformed...but DEAD people don't get second chances...

    Anyway I am talking about the true waste of amino acids nutjob psychotic freakshows that do not care about anyone or and I do not register on their radar..we don't need them.

    OOOOh I would love to..just kidding I think that I did. Aside from my hardline on criminals I am a pretty easy goin' feller. A huge part of this rant is my Obssesive Compulsion for order and clarity...the rest of us can't make the world a beautiful place if we have to worry about nutjobs taking us out at school!
    Plato was right..we would have to eliminate every person over the age of 11 and start over to build a real we have to arm ourselves.

    Yeah if he would have just offed himself then at the very least he would have made his statement and left the regular folk to get on with their lives. It was an unbelievably SELFISH act and his elderly parents are calling for the media to respect their privacy.....hmmmm....don't you think we need to see how long this went on without them doing anything...shades of do these parents not have a f*cking clue how psychotic their kids are?????
    Are these parents just too embarrassed or do they feel guilty?
    We can't blame them but we do need some accountability..did they try to get him help before this happened??? Where is the line in the sand on that one?

  24. HE: In response to your response!

    What makes you think people don't deserve the advantages they get in prison? Lets face it, it's hardly likely they had a chance at any of that stuff on the outside, and maybe that's just what they need.

    But when it comes to drawing a line between the psychos and the remorseful, or whatever, where exactly do you draw it? If you justify the execution of one man for the rape and murder of 20 little girls, you've just opened the doors... it makes it easier to justify the same punishment for lesser crimes.

    The fatal flaw in any human legal system is that it relies on individuals, and individuals can be swayed by emotion just as easily (or more so) than by rational fact.

  25. stace,
    Ok you are obviously too smart for me to have a half assed debate with so I will be a gentleman and concede that your arguments put mine to shame.
    Obviously you feel strongly about this and your well presented arguments ring true in my head and in my heart of hearts.

    As a parent you worry about what sort of world your children will inherit...and you cannot help but fret over the existence of evil people who would do them harm..

    If I needed to protect a loved one I would do whatever the situation would require..I don't know any other Husbands and Dads who wouldn't do the same..let the cards fall where they may ...

    As far as the system goes hey it is a Democracy and the mob rules...we get exactly what we deserve, no more, no less. This was an excercise to blow off some steam..

    I honestly don't expect the legal system to ever become a real 'justice' system in my lifetime...
    that isn't what it is designed to do.

  26. **shades of do these parents not have a f*cking clue how psychotic their kids are?????

    I agree. Parents r responsible to a certain extent. Atleast they should know what their kids r doing and notcie their behavior. I mean if I had a Goth son I'd notice for sure that he's not very normal!!!


  27. keshiroo,
    You need to communicate with your kids can't leave them to their own devices even if they are fabulous A students...they need your guidance..they might not always take your advice but ten, twenty years down the road they might get it.

    If I had a kid in a black f*cking trenchcoat going to the firing range for fun I would probably suspect that someting is bothering them... of course thats just me and I could be wrong.

  28. **If I had a kid in a black f*cking trenchcoat going to the firing range for fun...

    ROFL hahahahahahahaha!


  29. keshiroo,
    No duh! How far up yer arse does yer parental head need to be to not notice that!!!!!!!!!!!!

    i am so sorry this happened.

    i visited the comments section regarding this incident on the little wad's goth group. 'Jesus Abortion' was urging everyone to be positive, supportive, nurturing community members. SatansSlave and Gash333 agreed.
    one weeps.

  31. HI first nations,
    That's interesting..I went over to see if these kids are puttin on a show or if it is full scale anarchist burn the world crap...I left with the impression that the majority are poseurs..bored none the less but not psychotic.


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