Will Rogers
ATTENTION EXTRATERRESTRIALS!
In the market for a house on Earth Street?
Well look no further my friend! Here are the current listings that your intergalctic real estate agent could show you.
1.LIST PRICE = the Population of the Continent
2.SQUARE FOOTAGE = continental area in kilometres, add 000s
3.OWNERS = number of countries on the continent
4.OCCUPANTS = 1 person = 50 million+ etc
5.MORTGAGE RATE
= % Of People on Earth
'modern amenities with old world charm'
EUROPE
listed @ $729,000,000
is a 1,039 sf House on the East Side.
The MORTGAGE documents list 41 owners but you can't help but notice 3 people from RUSSIA (who spend most of their time in the Asia House) and 1 GERMAN, FRENCH, ITALIAN, BRITISH and UKRAINIAN.
*10% O.A.P.
'breath taking ocean view'
OCEANIA
listed @ $32,700,000
is a 850 sf House on the East Side.
The Mortgage documents list 13 owners but it looks empty. I notice a kangaroo plush toy on the floor.
*.5% O.A.P.
'make us an offer'
ANTARCTICA
is a vacant 1,372 sf House at the end of the street. The furnace is broken. *0% O.A.P.
'spacious and overloaded with amenities'
NORTH AMERICA
listed @ $885,000,000
is a 2,448 sf House on the West Side.
The mortgage documents list 27 owners.
There are 5 people from the U.S.in the living room and 2
from MEXICO in the sunroom. Although you can't see them there are Canadians living in the attic. You can't see the Carribeans living around a heated pool or the Central Americans in the breezeway that is connected to the South American House next door.
*13% O.A.P.
'roomy rustic spanish style'
SOUTH AMERICA
listed @ $371,000,000
is a 1,784 sf House on the West Side.
The Mortgage documents list 12 owners but ay carumba!
you'll see 4 people from Brazil in very skimpy bathing suits .
*5% O.A.P.
'a must see for wildlife enthusiasts'
AFRICA
listed @ $887,000,000
is a big 3,030 sf House on the East Side
.The Mortgage documents list 54 owners.
Say hello to 2 people from Nigeria and 1 from Egypt, Ethiopia, Zaire and Lybia.
There are way more people here but this place is huge!
*13% O.A.P.
'fabulous kitchen and rugs'
ASIA
listed @ $3,900,000,000
is a huge 4,950 sf House on the East Side.
The Mortgage documents list 52 owners!
Yells, Bells and Smells!
I count 22 people from China and another 20 from India! There are 4 from Indonesia! Wait there is 2 from Pakistan,Japan and Bangladesh!
Hold on there is 1 from Iran,Turkey,Thailand and the Phillipines.
*60% O.A.P!
How much was Antarctica again?
Maybe we can fix the furnace?
Very good. Land! May we walk on this earth lightly and with appreciative feet.
ReplyDeleteAnother informative and entertaining post. A lot of people in Asia (see you've included the Middle East there).
ReplyDeleteare the martians landing?
ReplyDeleteAntarctica sounds good - the peace, the quiet; the weather there's improving all the time...
ReplyDeletechoose carefully. think of my comfort. i leave that to you...
ReplyDeletelol!
don,
ReplyDeleteHopefully my ecological footprint will not resemble the wake of the aircraft carrier USS Nimitz.
Benjamin,
Yes well I am certainly not about to second guess the cartographers and geography teachers. I just wanted to shrink things down into terms that we can sort of understand.
mistipurple,
The martians landed long ago and mated with humans.This of course explains how Hippys suddenly turned into Yuppies to blend in with the Military/Industrial Complex. Very sneaky.
darius,
Excellent point my good man. With the soothing effects of global warming melting the 'perma' frost HA!..there should be Casinos, Palm trees and Walmarts lining the shores of Antarctica within 50 years.
gautami,
I am sure that you would be a wonderful, quiet and considerate neighbour. I am sort of leaning towards moving farther North and further away from people. With society going to hell in a handbasket and the continuing pestilence of WAR ongoing I don't think that there will be a safe place for any of us to live in anymore.
Spaceship Orion here, hovering far above your planet. We have intercepted your message.
ReplyDeleteWe are interested in purchasing North America, but its inhabitants are led by an individual called Dubya who appears less than stable.
What references can you give us on him and how much commission do you expect to charge for this transaction?
Dubya is about to be moth-balled by his followers and thrown upon the trash heap of history at the earliest possible convenience.
ReplyDeleteDestined to be regarded as one of the worst political leaders of the 21st Century Dubya unfortunately has enough time remaining in office to disrupt the stability of his country.
Having set the world on fire he has little else to do other than sit back and watch the bonfire of his vanity explode into a brushfire that may scorch the entire planet.
So I wouldn't wait too long. Just go ahead and invade us and clean this mess up. The neighbourhood is really going to hell in a handbasket and I for one welcome our new alien insect overlords.
North America is completely overdone, we don't like the decor and it has been badly kept up.
ReplyDeleteAlthough we like the attic.
Besides that, the price is far too high and the interest rate is astronomical.
Oceania seems far more affordable and we plan to put in an offer. We have no plans to invade...you have enough war going on there already.
Following the recent trend to bulldoze a perfectly good mansion in order to replace it with a slightly larger mansion, I would like to purchase the entire package, with the stipulation that everything be razed to the ground prior to me taking ownership. The present occupants need not be concerned, as I'm gonna need a shitload of landscapers, gardners, and other such minions to pretty the place up. For entertainment, they can come and look at my nice little sensible house with the xeroscaped yard in front. Then they can all go back to afghanistan, a place I don't think they can screw up any more than it already is. But hey, the rent will be a real bargain!
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing wrong with the furnace in Antarctica- it's the air conditioner that's on the blink
ReplyDeleteor maybe, we keep forgetting to fix the toasters. I mean, how many
times before we notice the scent of burning toast?
The idea of living on some other planet seems to becoming more and more attractive every day...
ReplyDeleteI'd go with Oceania. It's a steal at $32,700.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I can see some potential in Antarctica.
Ok, here's the plan. I'll buy both, and live in Oceania but rent out Antarctica.
Yeah, that'll work.
the Michael,
ReplyDeleteLet's build a bigger mansion...ah the American Dream. Raze the Roof!
grumblotron,
I think that you are on to something..the air conditioner is on the fritz...hmmm.
Ozone? We don't need no stinking Ozone!
sh,
Damn straight. What the hell its the 21st Century and look at us. We haven't learned a gawdamn thing. Bring on the Alien Insect Overlords...we had such potential and we blew it.
(insect noise)zxzxt!ytzx!yztxzytzy!
anonymousesketeer,
Doh! Thats what I was gonna do. One for summer one for winter...except that they are both in the Southern Hemisphere and Antarctica will soon be as tropical as Oceania...hmmm.
Can I just come and live in your attic?
ReplyDeletecherry,
ReplyDeleteYes you certainly may.
Hope that you can handle a few bats in the belfry.
I wanna rent a flat in Antarctica...mate help me get there! oh dun worry, I forgot I live in Aus :)
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
humor is a strong weapon. too bad the leaders everywhere took their jokes too far.
ReplyDeletekeshi,
ReplyDeleteYou are right next door. I hope that the air conditioner gets fixed because if the ice in Anarctica melts Australia will be the size of Tuvalu!
mistipurple,
Perhaps you are referring to the struggle to control the patch of scrub and desert that is at present completely out of control.
There certainly is nothing funny about it.
except that they are both in the Southern Hemisphere and Antarctica will soon be as tropical as Oceania
ReplyDeleteCould increase the value of it though. Lets just both buy it and sit on it until its value skyrockets.
I love your posts!
ReplyDeleteYou are sooooooooo entertaining and funny too!
Antarctica sounds best to me!
"Leaving on a jet plane"
Soon as I can!
Thanks for this good post!
Oh man! It looks like I am quite late for my land claim!*sigh* I just wanna buy San Francisco... after much thought I do not need a whole continent after all.
ReplyDeleteDubya is about to be moth-balled by his followers and thrown upon the trash heap of history at the earliest possible convenience.
ReplyDeleteH.E. You have yet again nailed it. You go with your bad self! =) Let's hope that earliest convenience is like, um...today?
anonymoosehead blogger,
ReplyDeleteHave your agent call my agent and lets do lunch!
samuru999,
Wow Antarctica is a HOT property.
Miz Bohemia,
You can have San Fran my dear...but I must warn you it might not be there for much longer...insurance will be a bugger.
Tidalgrrrl,
He may have a few more rabbits up Karl Rove's sleeve!?
Hey! Anybody seen Cheney????
lol!
ReplyDeleteKeshi.
I'd like a trade! If you get anyoffers, let me know. I'm looking for a few good acres on Mars!
ReplyDeleteJMJ
uperb post....hahahah funny and meaningful. But id say...asia is the best to experience life.
ReplyDeleteDo you have any lease to own? Something with a view, preferably a nice backyard,
ReplyDeleteI have an old Rayburn that would look fab in Antartica. I hope this helps.
ReplyDeleteSx
These Russians are not living in the European house, they just litter the backstreet to the Asian castle ...
ReplyDeleteSublime. But are the natives regarded as assets in the deal or the negative equity?
ReplyDeleteHow should I cook the penguins that graze in the backyard if I buy Antarctica? BBQ'd? Deep Fried?
ReplyDeleteI'll take Oceania. I hear Hawaii has tall mountains and volcanoes, so I won't have to worry too much when the sea level rises. Also there are no killer land based predators on the islands. What are the vacation home prices in South America? Something with a topless view would be nice.