Thursday, May 04, 2006


I need to clarify my personal position on living next door to the USofA so that the Canadian Secret Intelligence Service (CSIS) can modify my dossier and ensure that my passport is not shredded.

My genetic composition is a unique blend of Belgian, Prussian and Swedish ovum and spermatozoa. Three quarters of my DNA, the (50%) Belgian Coppens /1930s and (25%) Prussian Fast /1880s families moved directly to Humanitoba. The other 25%, the Swedish Simonsons, farmed in Minnesota and North Dakota before migrating into relative obscurity way the hell up here in 1926. My Grandparents (Simonson) eventually forayed back and forth into the States for many years on custom combining expeditions and one of my uncles actually moved to Texas. My Mom is a snowbird who migrates annually to the warm Southern States every winter.

For many Whateverpeggers there is a time honored tradition of hopping across the US border to shop in Grand Forks, North Dakota, to take advantage of the American 'economy of scale' pricing on shoes and whatnots. As a matter of fact I did exactly that a couple of months ago.

It's easy for armchair philosophers and uninformed protesters in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Canadastan, Iraqistan or any other stan country to dump all Americans into some huge vat and taint them all as selfish reckless imperialist Bush luvin' warmongers.

However living 1 hour away from the US border offers a clearer insight into the American psyche. I find these half-truths to be self evident...The USA is the third most populated country in the world and it is comprised of millions of unique individuals whose opinions concerning other countries are as varied as they are seemingly uninformed. This troubling gross generalisation would be almost laughable were it not for their unique ability to vaporise the planet in a last ditch attempt to prohibit China from emerging as the next World Empire. That's ridiculous.

That being said, as far as other Americans are concerned, North Dakota might as well be in Sweden. The thought that humans, even American humans, can inhabit and keep their genitals warm enough to reproduce that close to the tree line is bewildering to Californians and Floridians. What really put North Dakota on the map wasn't the glacial reproductive rates of frozen farmers, no it was the Nuclear Missile silos. That's right NUKES, right on our doorstep.

These Cold War relics (ICBMs/ 1 firestorm away from my house) were ready to give the Ruskies a decent asskickin' due to the tactical proximity of NoDak to the now defunct USS-CZAR. During the 70's, when one bothered to discuss such matters, my schoolfriends and I generally agreed that if WW3 ever did get goin' we'd be goners so Carpe Diem Woo Hoo!

The prevelent scenario was that the Ruskies would certainly nuke Grand Forks back to the stone age and all of us here in Whateverpeg would either be incinerated or mutate into George Romero Zombies stumbling about the frozen rubble looking for three headed rats to gnaw on.

Since Mr. Gorbachov tore down that wall that scenario is now highly unlikely. In the post 911 world (nine one one what is YOUR emergency?) living way the hell up here is arguably the safest place to be. We Canadastanis understand and appreciate the significance of being protected by the American Armed Forces (by osmosis) because most of us live within 100 miles of the US border. So we have a weird relationship that we struggle with from time to time. Our similarities vastly outnumber our differences and as the world becomes a more unstable violent place (nine one one what is YOUR emergency?) I am quite certain that we will one day become more than kissing cousins.

Now if you will excuse me for one second.....
To the incredibly handsome/beautiful bureaucratic lifestyle snoop in charge of my CSIS dossier I would like to emphatically proclaim my allegiance and unwavering support to the Queen or no the Flag and the Constitution I mean the Queen, no the Constitution..DOH!

Believe it or not we actually have Air-Conditioning here to survive our HOT Summers but today...sigh... it is snowing outside.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous2:04 p.m.

    May 10

    Mr. Solipsist Soliloquist
    Whateverpeg, Humanitoba

    Dear Sir:

    This is, in fact, what ordinary Canadian citizens refer to as CSIS, responding to your blog.

    We have been unable to do so until now because the department has been busy monitoring the border for illegal aliens, snuffing out all opposition to the new government's new hush-hush policy on Canada's military presence in Afghanistan and doing away with all opposition to anything George Bush wants us to do.

    This is formal notification that you are, in fact, being watched. But there's only five of us in the department so unless you really step out of line and invade North Dakota, we will only email out to you reprimands like this.

    Now if George Bush or the Queen decide to step in and eradicate you, don't say I didn't tell you so.


    CSIS (Celebrity Solipsist Idiot-watching Service)

    cc: Blogger Blooger (Great Blog!!)


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