Monday, April 10, 2006

SAD BUT TRUE!

I was painting again last night and my brain was in desperate need of cheap entertainment. The drudgery was nearly killing me. I knew that I had to combat the tedium to maintain my sanity so I struggled to come up with a new LIST of things to think about. The problem was that I was running out of ideas. I needed something that wasn't too complicated but amusing enough to get me through the next hour....and I had already pondered...

the best songs of each decade from the 60s to the present in each of the rock/dance/pop categories,

the most painful and terrifying ways to die (including attacks from a T-Rex, Hyaenas or Great White Shark/plane crash into a volcano/swallowing a poison frog/ burned at the stake by the Spanish Inquisition/multiple gunshot wounds and falling off the Empire State Building/ a broken heart/suffocation from an airbag deployment/Alien probing etcetera),

the worst movies ever made that didn't feature George Kennedy, special effects monsters or any Saturday Night Live Alumni in them,

the happiest philosophers of all time, Hmmmm,

and the absofrickinlutely dumbest things that I have ever said to a Police Officer, Teacher, Proctologist or Girlfriend's Father...

Unfortunately the only distraction that my pathetic brain came up with were the alternate terms for penis and testicles that boys discover in the Third Grade.

Young lads are simultaneously enthralled and horrified with their mini me. For instance, no amount of therapy can ever erase the astonishing embarrassment of getting caught in class with a boner or a woody! By the same token if something humiliating happens to some other kid it is priceless.

To this day various terms inexplicably still make guys (sadly all men are stuck in the Third Grade) smile and giggle like schoolboys!? I know that it is childish but if you don't believe me just read them out loud ...for instance..

OOAH! Hey Guys LOOK Kevin just blocked a shot right in the ______A-HA!
(dingle berries, nuts, cookies, knackers, popsicles, sack, bag, and jewels)

Hey Guys LOOK Chris caught his _____ in his zipper ... A-HA!
(pecker, schlong, wanger, weiner, winky, wee wee, dork, dink, knob, tool, todger, schrinky, trouser schnauzer, noodle, doodle, schmekel)

Expectant Parents take notice:
Lord help you if your last name sounded like any one of the previous terms. The list of obvious first names to avoid if at all possible (including Harry) is displayed below. Actually any combination of the above terms and following names is fair game in the Third Grade. For the record it doesn't matter how a name is spelled or even pronounced as long as it even remotely sounds like ...

Hey Guys LOOK it's_______ A-HA!
(any combination of the above terms and following names: rod, peter, dick, johnson, willy, percy, woody and john thomas)

Sad but true!

5 comments:

  1. Anonymous2:37 PM

    OMG! Donn Coppens has a blog. Do the authorities know?!?
    Alice only confessed today that you had a blog, she's sooo proud.
    -Heather

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sure your post is the envy of all your friends. No wonder your wife (Alice?) is so proud ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Of course i blocked a shot with my ------------ because my head was busy thinking oh this is gonna hurt if i get hit in the --------.
    Thanks fir thinking of me...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous12:17 PM

    Now, in your LIST of most terrifying ways to die, are you saying you would have fallen off the Empire State Building AFTER being shot?

    That would be a double whammy.

    I agree men all still are in the third grade. But one of the genders has to maintain their child-like innocence, so it might as well be us.

    Schmekel? That's a new one on me...

    Chris

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG!I finally hit the jackpot!

    4(count'em)comments on a single posting is unheard of.

    I had a nagging suspicion that lowering the bar would be my passport to glory and riches in this highly competitive world of blogging.

    "HEY MA! I,M ON TOP OF THE WORLD!"

    ReplyDelete

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