Monday, April 17, 2006


This morning my brain is wrestling with Giraffes. You see my body type could best be described as the polar opposite of the lanky Giraffe.

In fact, it could be said that my body type more closely resembles that of the the jolly mesomorphic Wombat.

Therefore to my way of thinking Giraffes are by far the most impossibly, elegant creature on the planet.

Graceful, gorgeous, tall and serene, they seem to live above the fray.
From their lofty point of view Giraffes can atleast appear to ignore the depravity of nature red in tooth and claw.

We homo escapeons love tall people, buildings, and tales. Unfortunately my Swedish, Belgian and Prussian gene pool could only muster a mere 5'9"s of verticality when I am fully erect (hee hee).

Oh well. After 49 years I've learned to deal with my substandard leading man stature.

These days it seems as if everybody is getting taller.

It wouldn't be as irritating or discouraging if it wasn't for the discrepancy between my moderate elevation and those of my children and their friends. Most of my children's friends, despite being disarmingly cordial and remarkably entertaining, are all freakishly tall and the vast majority of them tower above me.

Did you know that the average soldier in the American Civil War was 5'5'', now the norm is 5'10".

During the 1860's, a guy like Abe Lincoln who was 6'4" must have stood out like a pyramid.

Intimidating other males would be insanely easier if I was 18 feet tall like a bull Giraffe. As a youth I could always easily outrun big and tall bullys and dive into impossibly small spaces where I could nibble on acorns and nuts.

Nowadays, to thwart being accosted during random encounters with panhandlers, skinheads and serial killers, I must rely on simple bluster. Idiots who exhibit a failure to resist aggressive impulses will be subsequently exposed to some old fashioned intermittent explosive disorder.

Squished into my gravitationally challenged form is 200 lbs. of unbridled chub which is purposefully exaggerrated by my brain as herculean muscle.

C'est la Vie!
I am as some say as the Good Lord intended. Remember that great line in the film Chariots of Fire,"when I waddle, I feel his pleasure!

It would be heavenly to be a Giraffe. Up there you can calmly go about your business and quietly ignore the day to day carnage on the deck of the Savannah far, far below.

Anyway dealing with Short Guy Complex is way, way too much work and so blatantly tedious. Besides, my other far more interesting phobias and quirks keep me engaged and occupied 24/7 thank you very much.

Besides, trying to overcompensate the psychological burden of Short Guy Complex can lead you into a lot of trouble. For instance, I have learned to control the primal urge to conquer Europe. It would be pure folly to ignore the tragic tale of the most famous short guy in all of history Napolean Bonaparte.

Therefore I leave you with this thought.

A distinct advantage of being short is that other people have a tendency to underestimate you and it only takes half the effort to impress them.

Here, for my enjoyment, are other vertically challenged males who have fought the thinly veiled disdain of tall people and prevailed over heightism:

Tom Cruise, Michael J Fox, Prince, Danny DeVito, Willie Shoemaker, Dudley Moore, Olga Korbut, Pauls Simon and Williams, and my personal hero Jiminy Cricket.


  1. K La-Di-FRICKIN-Da8:08 p.m.

    Pater, it is I, your vertically gifted daughter. I don't really have a comment for your post, I just figured this way you'd for sure get this message. I found another song and I was hoping you could download it for me. It's "Waiting for my real life to begin" by Colin Hay. Thanks. Hope those bandidos didn't keep you up last night.

  2. My Dearest Darling K,

    Thank You for the profound words of encouragement.You'd think that winning both the Governor General and English Award would afford you a little more ooomph in the comment department.

    I don't really have a comment for your request.

    I will however agree to meet your demands due to the gap in the space/time continuum that is somehow preventing the millions of devotees who normally overwhelm the internet itself in their lemming like rush to comment on my bloggery.

    I hope that you enjoy being tall and remember that a Father is someone that you can always look up to.

  3. Anonymous2:21 p.m.

    Remember that you always said you were my Jiminy Cricket. He is the most extreme example of a midget-like being who's bigger than life.

    But you are a close second.

    Blogger Booger

    P.S.: Pater?

    P.P.S.: Your comments are completely sound, insightful and very giraffe-like. You stand above the crowd, whether you're 5-foot-8 or 8-foot-5.


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