Monday, September 14, 2009


Recently a young, Canadian, girl was dragged off the dock by a Harbour Seal. Luckily she somehow survived the attack...
you can read all aboot it here .

Most people are unaware that Harbour Seals are savage, heartless, bastards.
Only Newfoundland has properly controlled this menace and their efforts have been so successful that Noowfie Seals are now travelling to the other coast in search of prey.

If you search YouTube there are plenty of Seal Attacks to view and that is why there is and always will be, a Seal "Hant " in Noowfunland AND Labbador...

Canadian politicians must always remember to say Noowfunland and Labbador together and not make Labbador sound like an afterthought...
because the deadly Arbor Seals still haunt Labbador, but not-so-much in Noowfinlan.

Thousands of years ago Noowfinland was initially inhabited by the First Asians who took a wrong turn and wandered across the Ice Age landbridge.
Next came the Vikings who gave up because they were constantly being eaten by Seals and the Giant Killer Cod or Cad.

In 1497 John Cabotinni arrived with a fresh load of Screech fueled Irish Prisoners and Whores from England. England had yet to discover Australia, which became the perfect spot to unload undesirables and the British Prisons were overflowing.

It was said that the waters of the Grand Banks were so fertile, and da Cadfish was so tick, that his ship came to a sudden, violent, known as Screetching to a Halt because Cabotinni had been drinking Screech on the bow when this happened and the impact knocked him right off the ship.
A few of the Irish prisoners escaped by running on top of the Cadfish..most were eaten. These prisoners went on to populate Noowfinland...
AND Labbador!

On his way down Cabotinni exclaimed,
"Mama-mia, dis a-place-a she's a-no fun!"

So the name No-funland was born but because it was only overheard by escaping Irish prisoners, it was and is to this day, pronounced Noowfinlan.

This should help to explain why Noowfinlanders tak funny and cannot be understood by any other Canadians.

It occurred to me that due to this recent, unprovoked, attack on the little girl, that the rest-of-the-world now knows the awful truth about Seals.
Seals are savage monsters and for Centuries Noowfunlanders have been merely protecting themselves and their loved ones from the killer seals.

"Noowfies" have long been tired of being thought of as Screetch-fueled, heartless bastards who callously whack the sh*t out of tousands of those fuzzy, hapless, doe-eyed, creatures we see in those gruesome Peta adverts.

Noowfunland has a rich history of protecting themselves from Killer Seals and the savage Giant Killer Codfish which, thanks to their tireless efforts, are now just aboot extinct.

For Centuries the Giant Killer Cadfish had consumed Noowfies with such disturbing regularity that drastic measures had to be taken.

In order to protect the wymyn & chalran, the men of Noowfunland bravely went out and started culling aff all da Cadfish.

You may be unaware that Noowfunland did not join Canada until 194-fack'n-9.
That was the year that the Preemyer o' da Pravince, Joey Smallwood, went on a Screetch fueled rampage with udder mambers o' da Noowfie Lajesslaytchurr,
and killed the last Giant Killer Cadfish wid 'iz bar hans and a sharp object!

Nature abhors a vacuum and with the Cadfish now extinct, the 'Arbrr blood-thirsty Seals soon rose to the top o' da food chain.

'Arbrr Seals began attacking the Noofies at will.

Defeated, drunk, and exhausted from eliminating the Cad, the menfolk of Nooffunland AND Labbador vowed to beat the livin' crap out of every matter how dangerous that might be. The idea was to kill them all when they're young, but it was still extremely dangerous because it is very cold out on the iceflows.

Finally, when the Screetch and Cadfish was all gone and Seal population safely under control, the Noowfies felt that it was safe enough to paddle over to the Pravinss 'o H'alberta and gat some jabs.

For decades Noowfie men had to go to Alberta to find jabs in the Oil Fields..
until they found huge reserves gurgling off their own shores.

Now Noowfunland is destined to be the richest Pravince in the country and they could tell the rest of Canada to "fack rite aff".
Noofies have long felt that the way we Landlubbers operate Factory Farms and protected ourselves from the Bison is just the same as Sealin! I tend to agree.

That being said, Noofies, however I spell it, are the friendliest, most forgiving people in Canada. Despite decades of being the brunt of jokes they are taking the high road and willing to let bygones be bygones. So udder Canadians, especially H'albertans, should bear this in mind when they go aff ta Noofinland AND Labbador leckin' for jabs.


  1. Interesting history of Canada, there. Or, as the Fledgling Sparrow would say, "Canadia." Yes, she did get a scholarship to a lovely private Uni, and yes, everything you've heard about American schools and grade inflation is true.

    Sounds like people from Maine and Boston to me. "Pahk teh car in deh Hahvahd Yahd," and all that.

    Seals are vicious c*nts. Just take the Harbor Cruise in San Diego, and you'll see. 1977, me, 7 years old, one of those thug seals tried to take my sack lunch from me on a field trip. For that matter, try surfing with the bastards nearby, or even swimming. They think it's funny to flip you off a surfboard and hold you under. Don't even ask about what they like to do to swimmers; I'm still in therapy.

  2. A much enjoyed history lesson bought to life by pictures. I never knew seals were such arseholes!

  3. For those of us not resident in your continent (we are the opposite of incontinent) may I thank you for informing us so much about your culture.
    I can hardly wait to visit.

  4. I saw a seal once - it was menacing a beach ball in a vicious balancing act. I wasn't even offered counselling afterwards.

    I hope this comment has some relevance to your (very long) post because I only looked at the pictures.

  5. Nice interesting history lesson here!One day seal will govern the world!^^
    seriously,we human are a specie that deserve to disappear!See ya :)

  6. who would have thought! gonna throw away all my stuffed seal toys now.
    (that plucky gal got away lucky).

  7. Wow, all this time, I thought Newfoundland and Labrador were great dog breeds. Who knew that such fierce Canadian warriors existed? The horrors and challenges they face everyday are staggering--killer seals on one side and Celine Dion's Quebec on the other!

    Those brave and hearty Newfoundland (and Labrador) people! It's like the Canadian Alamo! The Thermopylae of the Great White North, as these few brave souls hold off the invading seal hordes!

    Send in the Mounties in their crimson red! This is Canada!

  8. Well, helloooooooo sailor.

    Thank You for taking the time to read my essay.

    Yes I am well aware that 70% of American College Graduates could not pick out "Frantz" on a world map..why should they?

    Those Eastern Seaboard accents ah wicked!

    Our Disneyfied impression of other creatures can get us into a lot of trouble. I was watching a show on Yellowstone and marvelled at all of the people taking pictures of Grizzlies a few yards away.

    If only the exasperated Park Rangers gave up and retreated to the safety of their trucks..
    just let Darwinian forces cull the herd in the shallow end of the gene pool.

    Thank You for taking the time to read my essay.

    Yes Seals and Sea Lions are vicious sons-0-bitches. Some of them grow to be HUGE too. The scariest Pinniped is the Leopard actually stalked and killed a British Biologist a few years ago! I wrote about it.

    They look like monsters stuck on the evolutionary path..somewhere between reptile and mammal.

    Thank You for taking the time to read my essay.

    We Colonials are quite naturally horrified at any mention of bodily functions other than those concerning orgasm..
    both the premature and multiple variety.

    Now to the matter at hand. I could only hope that I was surrounded by hordes of Screech fueled Newfies as they are the sea-salt o' de Earth. How I long to hear the sing-song cadence of their foreign tongue and colloquial delicacies such as, "Lard Tunderin' Jayzuz".

    Just rolls off the tongue :)

    Thank You for admitting that you did not take the time to read my essay.

    Circus Seals must be terribly frustrated. Whilst in Mexico this Winter my good-lady-wife bravely volunteered to get into a pool with a 500 pound Sea Lion and get a whiskery kiss replete with fetid fish breath.

    I kept looking through the lens wondering if I was about to chronicle her demise...and how much money would I get from the TABS for the photos?

    Thank You for implying that you may have taken the time to read my essay.

    Yes CAD! For reasons unknown the Canadian Government sanctioned the evisceration of the Grand Banks. Oddly enough the Fisheries Department discovered that if you plunder a species and over harvest it in Biblical proportions, they disappear!?

    Thank You for taking the time to read my essay.

    Yes we certainly put the special in species...ever connected those two words before? Took me 50 years.

    We know that there have been at least 5 Extinction Level Events on Earth..each led to the next set of creatures advancing on the last, and morphing.

    Mammals got their kick at the can thanks to a giant meteor collision that changed the atomosphere and knocked out the already peaking Dinosaurs. We Mammals made it because we were tiny, nocturnal, and adaptable.

    65 million years later Humans are getting less adaptable but Gaia will get tired of us too and bring about some catastrophic event to get rid of us. That being said I still plan on dying painlessly in my sleep.

  10. TUTI
    Thank You for taking the time to read the first part of my essay.

    Yes those lovable fluffy cuddle white Seals grow into vicious bastards. If that was my kid I would have clubbed that f*cking seal into smithereens.

    The Seal that did that was a dock-rat that lives off the fish guts that people toss in the water. It prolly thought that the little girl was a competitor for it's food supply. I don't care I would have still killed it.

    Thank You for taking the time to read and expand upon my essay.

    I admit that I am truly humbled by your exquisite "Thermopylaen" metaphor. Bravo indeed.
    My uncle had a Newfoundland Deg and believe it or not, if you ran into the Lake for a swim, it would try to drag you out of the water. He didn't train it either.

    We had a deg that was part Labbador..great deg..except for the hip dysplasia and gluttony that led to it's early demise.

    Yes now that Newfoundland is RICH, the ROC (rest of Cananda) will be suckin their knee caps. I can't wait to watch all of the arse kissing that Ottawa is going to do.

    Thank You for saying "Well, helloooooooo sailor"

    ..and yes I know that I run the risk of eventually seeing that photo in a less than flattering context.


  11. I forgot to add that in the late 80's/early 90's there was a radio station that sponsored a night club here in SoCal... For the nights that the radio station had it, they renamed it "Club Baby Seal."

  12. I was attacked by a seal once, it had something to do with wanting to fist his German wife.

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