Wednesday, August 29, 2007

To be an Omnivore means more than being bi-gastronomically orientated (plants and animals) it literally means that you will eat anything. It is a rather select group considering that not many of the 1.6 million species that we’ve listed so far, choose to eat anything.

Omnivores that come to mind include crabs, pigs, bears, crows, seagulls, chickens, chimps, monkeys, foxes, humans and of course Raccoons.

My nocturnal yard marauder just waddled down my boardwalk. His name is Orson Smells because he is a rotund Raccoon who reminds me of the late Orson Welles.

Poor Orson huffs and puffs when he walks. I could hear him splashing in our little pond in the backyard. We stared at each other through the window screen until he sighed and made reluctantly made his way to the gate. He has such a time trying to hoist his huge, furry, butt through the dog head shaped hole in our gate that I had made for our old canine friend Jack.

I made it so that Jack could poke his head through this fence and actually see what was going on outside the yard. This would alleviate some of the stress of guarding his turf and he didn’t need to bark as often.

Now that Jack is no longer with us, Orson and the other Raccoons use thes hole as a gateway into our yard. This procedure was child’s play for the four young Raccoons that rambled about last night but poor Orson sounds like he is going to blow an artery when he squeezes through it.

Raccoons and Humans are both classified as omnivores but we are certainly built differently. 200 million years ago we mammals all started out from prototypical reptiles that exchanged scales for hair and adapted to a nocturnal existence to take advantage of the solar powered Dinosaurs that were out of commission at night.
Let’s face it, the Raccoon still looks like your basic mammal.

Anthropologists speculate that our ancestors may have built a bigger brain by supplementing their main diet of plants with occasional feasts of meat. We know that Chimpanzees, who share 98% of our DNA, regularly organize hunting expeditions to prey upon Monkeys. Chimps and Humans split up about 8 million years ago but Chimps still have those huge scary teeth. We don’t have those huge canines anymore.

Our evolutionary journey involved growing a bigger brain, becoming bipedal, partially to free up our hands, and our mouths seem to have evolved to accommodate language more than eating. Our big brain freed us from retaining killer teeth because we probably learned from scavenging carrion from brushfires, that tenderized meat was easier to chew. Fast forward a few million years and we learned how to manage fire to cook our prey items, which I am told, we have been doing for at least one quarter of a million years.

If most of us had to actually kill something in order to eat, most of us would probably starve to death. Dazzling urbanites like myself might be able to get semi-prehistoric if we were lost in a forest after a plane crash, but for the most part we modern humans, homo escapeons, are eternally grateful that we are 100% removed from ‘processing’ live animals into the packaged goods that we purchase at the market.

Personally I abhor modern factory farming tedhniques. I can somehow justify being omnivorous by imagining that some of these processed animals live semi normal lives out in a sun-soaked farm being lovingly tended to by some wholesome, Midwestern, Family. I am afraid that this is certainly no longer the norm, but the image persists thanks to children’s books.

Truth be told most of the domesticated animals that we have dragged along for 12,000 years would only survive for a few days if left on their own. Most of these manufactured mutants require constant human supervison and frequent veterinarian assistance just to survive in captivity. The qualities that allow animals in the wild to be successful are the opposite of what humans require from them.

I remember watching a program on a Cattle Farmer who risked his own life to search for lost calves in a blizzard. This guy knew these animals inside and out. He knew when they had stomach problems and he knew what to do about it. He sincerely cared for them and made them as comfortable, safe ,and content as possible, but at the same time understood where they were headed.

Which brings us back to Orson Smells.
He is trying to fatten up for the coming Winter Months and obviously he is doing a fantastic job. I know that he is primarily eating garbage because it is so easy for him to rip open the bags with those marvelous little paws. Orson is still living the way that all wild animals have been since Life on Earth began.

However it occurred to me that dazzling urbanites like myself, are as mutant as the processed creatures that we now rely upon for food. Most of the humans in my part of the world use their little paws to overstuff ourselves with garbage too. Come to think of it, we aren’t really using our big brains all that much or exercising our bipedal abilities either. I can relate to Orson's dietary perversion although he is a real Omnivore.
I'm what you could taxanomically label as a Dumbnivore.


  1. Ooooweee! I get to be first? Who said it does not pay to be woken up by a desperate husband at 4am because he has been up with two sleepless kids at 2am?



  2. I am always in awe of the wonderfully entertaining posts you are able to weave into a fine tapestry with stunning and inspiring facts my dearest HE and this latest one is no less a masterpiece than all your previous work... A MASTERPIECE I TELL YOU!


    As a child, whilst living under my mother's roof, I was indeed a dumnivore as we had uncontrolled access to candy and chips and sugar and you name it we had it and could eat it anytime as far as junk food went... and then I transitioned over to the equivalent of a dumnivore but as a vegetarian as I could still stuff my head with garbage and stuff it I did to the tune of quite the weight gain!

    At 21 I was determined to get my life back, exercise, kick ass and so I did and lost 40 pounds... oy! The power of domnivorous ways is indeed strong and a force to be reckoned with indeed! I feel for Orson Smells FO SHO though he has an excuse... as for us homo escapeons, not so much!

    *bohemian attempts to return to bed, much to the chagrin of the squirming and whining children as she claps away at the brilliant post she just read...*

    FO SHO!

  3. McNivores: Fat mammals...

  4. miz bohemia,
    I found it interesting that true carnivores have very short intestinal tracts that quickly process meat. Apparently most carnivores go for the stomachs and intestines of their prey to munch on the processed greens of their herbivorous victims. The muscle (meat) that we humans eat is often left for scavengers?

    We humans have long tracts, lousy claws and teeth, that suggest that we are still essentially more herbivore despite the amount of meat that we think that we need to stuff in our pieholes.

    I would eat steak every four hours if I could afford it both physically and financially.

    Perhaps after millenia of being equally eaten by predators as we have eaten herbivores, we are psychologically torn between being a prey item and being a kickass hunter. We have always revered the killers in the wild and placed them higher on our totem poles.

    Whatever the reason we need to monitor how and what we eat. Dammit!

    Mcjunkivores is right. Because humans spent 99% of our evolution living in feast or famine conditions we are naturally predisposed to gulping down sugary/fatty easy meals and storing it on our hips and waistlines.

    The fast food industry has taken advantage of out psychological achilles tendon.
    Bacon Double Cheeseburger

    I wonder if Mikey turned into a crack addict and started robbing 7/11's like all of those other child stars?

  5. Little Mikey now works as an advertising account manager in New York and did not die, as rumored, from a diet of Pop Rocks and Coke.

  6. Anonymous2:15 p.m.

    I sometimes look around and suddenly realise that everything I can see apart from that tree over there has been created by man, and how all the other animals must be real jealous, right? But when faced with certain 'anonymous' freaks I sometimes wish we still lived by the rule of the jungle and natural selection prevailed...

  7. I'm a vegetarian who lapses every once in a while...I'm usually just too damned cheap and lazy to prepare meat- I'm sure that I'd starve if I had to slay anything more ferocious than a cabbage.

    Simpsonized: D'ohnivore!

  8. I so love the topics you write about, for thought.

  9. You know a species has reached it's evolutionary penicle when it starts eating horrible things like oysters and brocoli. The end is near.

  10. I am with fathorse. Just tonight as the idnight our passes by the natives became restless. (The natives meaning my neighbors) They thought it fair to go out into their yard and have down home arguement and if that was not enough, brought their children out to hear it as well. Natural selection..hmmm! Wait, what if I wasn't in that selection... oh well.

    As for McJunkivores... are we this because we are lazy or simply because the cost of eating health food would try a person to drink?

    Now I know this was not your intention HomoEcapeons, but it is the truth We have become these fast food, anything in our stomach eating animals because it is cheap and easy. Oh nd some of it is good...smiles.

    How are you Homie?

  11. Freddie could survive without human input believe me - in actuality he was born wild on the New Forest an lived 'free' until he was caught in the drift when 6 months old. It accounts for his disdain of fencing and all things human methinks. Cherry has come to tame him.

  12. Today I do not have much to contribute ther than I enjoyed reading this.

    I do feel animals are much better than human beings. They are born free and are without inhibitions.

    How do you deduce, we have big brains? Utter nonsense! Pea-sized is nearer the mark!

  13. you'd be suprised how resilient farm animals are and how quickly they 're-feralize'. that's the ugly little secret behind the 'happy midwestern farm' scenario. even the dumbest sheep or turkey will break for freedom and attack when cornered. humans, on the other hand...?
    oy. nothing easier to tame than a human. and why is that????? don't get me started. i have a whole rant on selective breeding as a condition of settled lifestyle, mental illness serving the state, organized religion as a state-imposed form of self-enforcing conditioning which relies on functional forms of psychosis, ...

    see, i started.

  14. I'm with first nations on the adaptability of sheeple versus domestic animals, and on the topics of his rant too. Many "fall of civilization" sci-fi themes postulate a handful of people who could adapt and survive, and a larger population of human scavengers who would survive by ripping off those capable few. These predatory scavengers would roam the countryside, and demand tribute by force of arms and threat of violence. Sort of like the government.

  15. mj,
    It would have been more interesting if he would have hooked up with Dana Plato and done a full Bonnie and Clyde.

    Apart from the numbskulls featured prominently on the Darwin Awards the process of thinning the herd via natural selection is completely fercokt.

    Look at the political leaders that get to run our countries? What's up with that!

    I wish that ate more greens. I could live on the same diet that Tigers are fed at the zoo!

    Right back at 'cha sister. I will tell you how I come up with my ideas...sleep deprivation. I wake up in the morning and I have no idea what I wrote the night before.

    THE michael,
    Still cannot gain access to your comment section mister!
    I have to admit I love oysters and not just because they look like you know what..I love the oily salty goodness. Broccoli is brain food and with melted I'm getting hungry.

    I am well. I hate it when people air their dirty laundry out of doors. For gawdsake SHUTUP! There is a special place in hell (or whatever) for idiots who who scream at each other in front of their kids..that they shouldn't have in the first place.
    Damn them!

    How are the festivities going?
    Freddy was born in the wild? In Britain? What the hell does that mean? Caught in a drift? A SNOW drift or a drift NET?

    I am sorry but I had no idea that there was any wildlife in the UK other than Finchs, Hedgehogs and Badgers.

    If this is true it certainly does explain Freddy's antisocial behavior. Please don't let Cherry sip one too many sherry, get starkers, and try to re-enact Lady Godiva's protest and take Freddy out for a gallop through the village.

    Well Sperm Whales have the biggest brain. They have a 20 pounder an dours is only 3ish.

    Perhaps you like animals because they are more instinctive and do not conjure up malice aforethought...oh but some of them do. They plan revenge on their keepers. I think that animals are like people. They are either charming or carnivorous, I mean tedious, no I mean carnivorous.

    first nations,
    I am glad that you chose sheep and turkeys as your examples because sheep are the stupidest dumbass mammals on the planet hands down and turkeys...turkeys are the biggest idiots in the bird world. The term birdbrain is too good for turkeys. Neither of these species would survive a weekend escape unless someone fed them in the wild.

    Sheeple are very easy to manipulate and the great unwashed absolutely never cease to amaze me with their gullibility.

    Government is right HAHAHA!

    Scifi authors need to have survivors in the future because nobody would read a novel without a human protagonist. I think that a super virus will wipe out 99.9% of us and the survivors will be the stoneage relics living deep in the amazon of new guinea or the kalahari.

    Those left behind will revert to savagery and mayhem in order to establish territory. Hopefull they will only be left with spears and bows. Hopefully the virus gets me because I want no part of that world...unless they make me that Nick Nolte is good to be the King.

  16. wow...I am going to sit over in the corner... that felt angry.

    Glad to hear your well though.

  17. insider,
    You cut me deep Shrek!

    Why would you sit in the corner?That mini tirade wasn't directed at you?
    That was for your idiot neighbours.
    Just call me if they do it again tonight and then you can hold the phone up over the fence so that I can give them what-for.

  18. Ahh my homo Escapeon Friend,

    You are adored, this I hope you know. Lately your writing has felt different. I am not sure why. Course it be just me, but your writing seems to have a new taste to it. Make no mistake though, I love sitting here reading your minds work. There is passion here and in many forms it lives.
    I sit in the corner so not to bother or disturb ... sort of my way of giving one space.

    Soft love,

  19. "I think that a super virus will wipe out 99.9% of us and the survivors will be the stoneage relics living deep in the amazon of new guinea or the kalahari."

    Hmmm. Nothing has been that virulent, which is not to say that it couldn't happen. I think the plague, if it happens, will be far less thorough. Plenty of poor subsistence farmers the world over would not be too put out if all civilization were to fall. There might even be some Amish and Hutterites left over too. Then again, maybe a solar flare will wipe out all life except some strand of virus lying dormant in a glacier somewhere. If that happens, I only hope that intelligent life will evolve without inventing demons and other boojums before they invent the microscope.

  20. too late HE - there's an apb out on CP and Freddie!

  21. We are people of the land and nature..we kill our own meat, grow a fair slug of our food, (when there is no drought).

    It is really interesting to see how other adults and children react to our very *basic?* lifestyle when they visit seem to take to the land and animals so well, and are very creative; (eg with the gardening, fishing, handling stock). Living on, and from the land seems to be great for their imagination and developing self sufficiency skills.

    Perhaps more than anything I love the privacy...having lived (and travelled) in some cities there is very much a part of me that does die...only to be revived by the land and nature..

    Don't be disheartened, I have great faith people are very adaptable and full of surprises. :)

    Really interesting reading HE.


  22. insider,
    I am procuring a sense of urgency about our state of affairs. We Baby Boomers have been sitting on our hands since the DREAM died in 69. We are still feeling the effects of trading in Hippys for Yuppys. Everything has been about money, money, money for so long.

    Now that the leading edge of the Boomers are turning into Grandparents I believe that the scales will fall off of their eyes and not a second too soon. There is a lot of catching up to do to get to where we were in heading back in '68.

    It certainly isn't as sexy to imagine being the Pig-Boss on a Hutterite Colony in lieu of being made a God-King for some primitves, replete with half nekked harem, in an equatorial, edenic, oceanside, paradise.


    I guess that I will just have to lower the bar.

    That which I feared most! I got your Drift. A full apology to the Motherland will be forthcoming in the Times.

    I hope that everyone gets a chance to go to your Blog and see your sheep station and your marvelous mates 'degs' playing.

    I trust that you understood my city-slicker angst as an homage to your 'ewephoric' rural existance.
    My Grandparents were farmers and I did live in a farming community during my formative years so I 'get it'.

    Feel free to wade in and offer your authentic firsthand knowledge at your leisure.

  23. oh, the irony!
    Great insight!

  24. I was only two in 1968, but I hear what you are saying. The world is full hatred, greed and pain.

    It saddens me. There is no room for love or integrity anymore.


  25. you cut a dog head-shaped hole in your fence! genius!

  26. In Aus we have the seagul, Stace and I were wondering how they existed before fish and chips were invented...

  27. Hey Dad,
    Nice one today. I think I would die if I actually had to kill, skin and roast an animal (or worse eat it raw!)
    Are you still alive? Do i need to go to such desperate measures as to leave a message on your blog to get you to phone me? I love you and will hopefully talk to you soon...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  28. angela,
    I am pleased to see that you are still one step ahead of the authorities. I have missed you since you went underground and moved off the grid. Wherever you are, keep stickin' it to the MAN!

    Hey I was only 11 but I do remember watching the news when both King and Kennedy were assinated. The news wasn't like it is today. These days every story is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED and you see it looped over and over and over.

    Back then the hyperbole wasn't on 24/7.

    chaucer's bitch,
    Our Jackie loved to see who walked by but he had a big butt so there was little chance of him ever getting through that hole.

    That is an excellent observation. Actually the first documented sighting of a Seagull was from a report written on June 14, 1674, by a Constable Edward Stagnant Waterbum, in London, England.

    Constable Waterbum was investigating a disturbance of the peace apparently caused by the actions of a certain East End 'Chippie' who had illegally set up a cart in Hyde Park.

    "Oye Guv, wot the bloody 'ell is that? It's a fakking white crow it is! Oye, bugger off, get away from me fakking chips ya bastard! Oye what are yooo lookin' at?"

    Well, well, well.
    Is this what it takes to get you to read my Blog? I love you too.
    You are my favorite.

  29. Dumb Females more like it!

  30. fresh game..isnt that how the lions survive too? so how does animals become better than humans as some ppl suggested here?


  31. then i'm a dumbnivore too!
    and pigs are a little fussier than most omnivores... mwaaaaahahahahahaaaaa!


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