As you are all no doubt aware Beachmasters are the huge, dominant, male PINNIPEDS who stake out some primo real estate on the shoreline and spend all of their time feverishly beating up other males to defend their territory in order to gather a harem.
Because the Beach is all about SEX!
Once a harem is secured it's time for some ooh-la-la!
Now if you have ever witnessed their brutal method of reproduction on the telly you know that it does not resemble in any way, shape, or form, the nostalgic, romantic, romp in the surf that we have all seen in the movie From Here To Eternity!
In fact these gigantic louts trample over terrified pups and hurl their massive, blubbery, bellies upon the back of any one of the slower moving or unsuspecting, inanimate, female bystanders in his harem.
After slamming his massive, suffocating, mass on top of her for a few minutes, OK, a few seconds, he starts bellowing and Bob's yer uncle. It is a downright nasty affair and unfortunately an eerily familiar scenario to many!
Nature is not tainted by our notions of political correctness and there are valuable lessons to be learned. The other day at the Beach I decided that it was time for my youngest son to learn how to be a BEACHMASTER!
You start off by learning how to intimidate other males and by adding a little swagger to your entrance when you 'haul out'.
After my goodladywife laughed at our tomfoolery I realised that no self respecting, young, lady in her right mind, would ever voluntarily pick a huge, blubbery, boorish, ill tempered, slobbery, three second hero...
so for the rest of the day we just goofed off.
I pulled him around at an astonishing rate of speed as you can see by the huge wake...
but my bursts of energy were about as long as the time it it takes for a Beachmaster to 'you know'...ahem...anyway..
he then tried to pull me and failed miserably
so he needed a hug from his sister...
and then we all just sat around and relaxed.
I mean School is OUT so enough with the lesson already.