Friday, July 27, 2007

BEACHMASTER TRAINING

As you are all no doubt aware Beachmasters are the huge, dominant, male PINNIPEDS who stake out some primo real estate on the shoreline and spend all of their time feverishly beating up other males to defend their territory in order to gather a harem.


Why?

Because the Beach is all about SEX!
Once a harem is secured it's time for some ooh-la-la!

Now if you have ever witnessed their brutal method of reproduction on the telly you know that it does not resemble in any way, shape, or form, the nostalgic, romantic, romp in the surf that we have all seen in the movie From Here To Eternity!


In fact these gigantic louts trample over terrified pups and hurl their massive, blubbery, bellies upon the back of any one of the slower moving or unsuspecting, inanimate, female bystanders in his harem.

EEK!

After slamming his massive, suffocating, mass on top of her for a few minutes, OK, a few seconds, he starts bellowing and Bob's yer uncle. It is a downright nasty affair and unfortunately an eerily familiar scenario to many!

Nature is not tainted by our notions of political correctness and there are valuable lessons to be learned. The other day at the Beach I decided that it was time for my youngest son to learn how to be a BEACHMASTER!

You start off by learning how to intimidate other males and by adding a little swagger to your entrance when you 'haul out'.



After my goodladywife laughed at our tomfoolery I realised that no self respecting, young, lady in her right mind, would ever voluntarily pick a huge, blubbery, boorish, ill tempered, slobbery, three second hero...

so for the rest of the day we just goofed off.


I pulled him around at an astonishing rate of speed as you can see by the huge wake...

but my bursts of energy were about as long as the time it it takes for a Beachmaster to 'you know'...ahem...anyway..

he then tried to pull me and failed miserably

so he needed a hug from his sister...

and then we all just sat around and relaxed.

I mean School is OUT so enough with the lesson already.
Nature Schmature!

31 comments:

  1. I wonder why I have those old Charles Atlas adverts running through my mind...Never mind...you're too young to remember them!

    ReplyDelete
  2. dinahmow,
    HA! Wanna bet? I remember the 90 lb weakling ads in my comic books.
    Bullys don't kick sand in my face even though I am a 190 pound weakling.

    ReplyDelete
  3. grumblhoid7:10 AM

    They say this cat HE is a "Ba-ad Muthah!..."

    my understanding is that Canadians represent the largest known concentration of Frankie Avalon/ Annette Funicello wannabes (that is, outside of maybe south jersey...)

    There's something wrong, terribly wrong with this picture. is this the set of some sort of canadian beach-blanket exploitation/ splasher flick? ;D

    ReplyDelete
  4. grumbloid,
    Aha You Noticed:
    NO Bacon, Maple Syrup, Polar Bear, Moose, Hockey Fights, Lumberjacks, Beaver or Blizzard.
    It may take a while but the rest of the world needs to know that here in the Centre of Canuckistan we do have Summer, Sun, & Water.

    I AM CALIFORNADIAN!

    ReplyDelete
  5. so THATS where the summer and the sun went. water? oh, we have that. oy vey do we have that, falling from the sky do we have that. *looks at tomatoes and despairs*

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  6. I went down to the beach t'other day. I put one toe in the sea and thought I had hypothermia, so I went home again.

    The beachmasters were in the pub, watching formula one.

    What is more important to a beachmaster - the harem or fast cars?

    ReplyDelete
  7. I never did see From Here to Eternity.

    Now I'll just have to settle for Daniel Craig's getting out of the water beach moment in Casino Royale.

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  8. What an incredible segue, going from seals n' sex to wakeboarding on Lake Winnipeg.

    Those are great pix of you and your lovelies, you picked a perfect day for it.

    Forget the Beachmaster, though. I think you need a Thighmaster.

    ReplyDelete
  9. first nations,
    We had Monsoons in June..if that isn't the start of a poem what is?..
    anyway it is almost August and soon we will be back to..NO I'm not going there.

    Don't the Sasquatch steal the tomatoes from your garden anyway?

    fathorse,
    The North Atlantic is not the same
    as Lake Winnipeg which is a very large 24,514 km² (9,465 sq mi) lake about 55 kilometres (34 mi) north of the city of Whateverpeg.
    The mean depth is around 40 feet so it gets toasty warm.

    Your Beachmasters are poor imitation wussies if they are indoors in a pub watching cars go around and around!
    That's not Cricket.

    menchie,
    We rented a copy a week ago and whoever had it before us burned out the two scenes of Craig hauling out of the water with those shoulders...sheesh kapeesh!

    without prejudice,
    Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
    Maybe next time you can 'ditch' like I told you to and come along as per the Ridman's request.
    That would be perfect because then YOU can pull him around for a couple of hours!

    ReplyDelete
  10. what fun!

    my small people like being pulled around like that. . . beats going to the gym for exercise, eh?

    (and I'm totally with within without on the beauty of your post - you could be the next David Attenborough, you know; actually, combine David A with Professor Lord Robert Winston, and I think we'd have you, Mr Escape!)

    oh, and the Med, I can say, is the perfect temperature right now. . .

    ReplyDelete
  11. i like the view,
    That is the greatest compliment EVER because Sir David is my idol!
    I'll bet that the Med is perfect at this time of year. I saw a fantastic documentary on Sharks in the Med...oh, maybe I'll tell you about after the holiday in the ..SEX PISTOLS!!
    "I dont wanna holiday in the sun
    I wanna go to new belsen
    I wanna see some History
    cause now I got a reasonable economy.

    Now I got a reason,
    now I got a reason
    now I got a reason
    and Im still waiting!!"

    Sorry but I can't actually say holiday in the sun without my brain being hijacked by that dumbass song.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Okay, on the chance that I may sound like a complete idiot the thought of the sealion realtions is rather well... let's not go there.

    But if you are referring to someone looking at you. If you weren't taken by someones heart I am positive you would be. Your mind alone is beyond attractive and out of respect I shall leave it at that.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I love all of our seasons. I wish summer would stay a bit longer though. Looks like you all had a fantastic time. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again, your son is the cutest little guy ever!

    I smile every time I visit, Thanks H.E

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ahhh, I remember warmth. I am familiar with beaches - they're those bleak empty things near that big blue wobbly thing, right? What is this, some psychodelic reversal? You Canucks are meant to be cold and miserable, us Ozzies are meant to be all warm and fuzzy! Give us our weather back!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Just looking at all the fun you are having is enough to make me want throw up!

    No offence meant...

    (Would you like tome on a exchange programme to India?)

    *grin*

    ReplyDelete
  16. sex on the beach? Oh Yes Please - best in a film? Shirley Valentine and Costas, as I said , Yes Please!

    ReplyDelete
  17. I loved this feel good post! I've said it before and I'll say it again - you are so lucky to have such a wonderful family. And Ridley has the best smile!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Look how those swim shorts cling to you.

    It's like a wet t-shirt contest going on down there.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I also had to go back and check your profile while reading this feelgood post, Canadia? beach?

    not kidding

    ReplyDelete
  20. inside our hands,
    Judging by the tender romanticism of your writing I would suspect that you are mercifully unfamiliar with the crushing brief encounters that I have metaphorically described herein that unfortunately many women seem to have regularly endured throughout their lives...
    according to Cosmo anyway.

    Christine,
    Thanks. This year I just feel like celebrating those kind of days because I know how lucky I am at this point in time.
    I remember days like that when I was a kid so I am assuming that my progeny will as well...and I know what is around the corner so you have to make the most of it don'tcha?

    Stace,
    This is right out of the Twilight Zone..doo doo doo doo. I suppose there is some sort of geo-karmic balancing act going on here.
    Don't you worry when we hit 30 or 40 below zero I'll show you how bloody miserable we are and then you will understand why we deserve a month or two of Beach Weather every year.

    gautami,
    Part of Blogging is creating imaginary worlds and idyllic sequences of Time. Here for instance we cease to worry about tomorrow for a day, drive for an hour and Voila here is this marvelous Beach on a Hot Summer Day!
    I have purposely chosen to create this 'Perfect Life' scenario because out of the actual 365 days this was a bloody awesome day.
    I was once obssessed with the actual number of days that I would be allotted here on Earth so I wasted a lot of Years worrying about things that I cannot change.
    On this day I DECIDED to make a memory and so I did.

    ziggi,
    Shirley Valentine was a hoot. I am sure that you are well aware of the actual ergonomic nightmare of having Sex on the Beach:
    biting insects,
    freezing cold surf hitting your privates every 45 seconds YEEEOW,
    scratchy bacteria laden sand trapped in unflushable parts & places,
    and of course having all of those gawking Sunbathers and Beach Vendors staring at you..Sheesh.
    Awkward!

    Anna,
    I just thought about how tediously negative and depressing my posts usually are and said enough with the negative vibes. Of course my Life isn't perfect but you can still have 'Perfect' days...which aren't really perfect but we sugarcoat them and save them in our memory bank that way.
    He is a cute guy and an interesting character who has taught me a lot about myself over the past (almost) 6 years.

    mj,
    My Word! As the old joke goes that water was sure felt warm and deep!
    For gawdsake woman
    this is supposed to be an E for Everyone posting.

    Anyway when you get to be my age your Beachmaster days are over and you can relax. You are taken off of the 'best before' shelf and you can ignore all of the drama that overwhelms all of those 'young-ish' people who are still competing for mates, territory, self esteem, a good time or whatever.
    Freedom.

    ReplyDelete
  21. That second photo of you two walking on the beach: like two peas in a pod! I'd say more but WW, mj and First Nations got there first...

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  22. jolietjake,
    Yes our stereotypical image of half frozen Mounties, Fur Trappers and Inuit Hunter/Gatherers needs to be seriously revamped. Due to the fact that we endure Ice Age conditions for over half of the year we go CRAZY when it is warm outside.
    btw My paternal Grandfather left a small town outside of Brussels after WW1 and migrated here mainly because of the Beaches...it was a coin toss between Whateverpeg &r Vanuatu.

    Andrea,
    Geez if I knew that everybody was checkin' out my peas and my pod I would have photoshopped something worthwhile.
    I know that your Summer/Weather has been horrendous and I am not trying to rub it in..I am providing an escape mechanism to transport you to a more traditional Summer ...
    ooops here it comes, I guess that this was inevitable..
    Percy Faith playing Theme from a Summer Place
    Dee
    Dee-Dee-Dee-Dee
    Dee-Dee-DEEDOO-Dee-Dee
    Singalong

    "There's a summer place
    Where it may rain or storm
    Yet I'm safe and warm
    For within that summer place
    Your arms reach out to me
    And my heart is free from all care
    For it knows

    There are no gloomy skies
    When seen through the eyes
    Of those who are blessed with love"

    Ohboy...

    ReplyDelete
  23. Sure looks like fun.

    As for sex, I guess it only looks good if you're a member of that particular species, and even then, only if you're in that kind of mood...

    When you think about it, our dogs and cats are probably quite disgusted with us. Well, at least the cats; there's that unpleasant thing with canines and the human leg. I once had the misfortune of having to tear the family pet away from his infatuation with my cousin's then new husband, whom I was only just meeting. But for Caesar it was apparently love at first sight, and he was determined that love would conquer all until I locked the mutt in the bedroom...

    Geesh.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Homo Escapeon,

    Have you read my other blog, "Scattered Recollections", in you haven't you might find a new part of me. But reader beware... in doing so, you may read what you never thought.

    ReplyDelete
  25. some HOT bodysurfing there ha ;-)

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  26. paul,
    It is hard to comprehend how man's best friend can get so 'attached' to certain people and their irresistable appendages. Few things in life are as pathetic to witness but the femur is the largest BONE in the body!?

    inside our hands,
    Thank You.

    keshtar,
    Stace already complained about your 'winter' so I thought it would be nice to remind you Aussies of how similar we Colonial Cousins really are.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Keshtarooalagong,

    INDUBITABLY!
    Word of the Week:
    [adverb] in a manner or to a degree that could not be doubted.

    ReplyDelete
  28. LoveIt,LoveIt,LoveIt!!!!!!

    What a great post, and I loved the pictures!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  29. bucking frilliant post dude! loved it and loved the pics!

    ReplyDelete
  30. grumblarious8:33 PM

    allowing for addle-pated comprehension on the first take, i
    reread your hilarious analysis of
    the phylology of male buffness and
    its effect on females - only you could stitch together such a phantasm. i'll go dispose of my
    copy of 'origin of the species' , as soon as i stop convulsing. Hell,
    i probably have the title wrong, to
    boot ;-)

    ReplyDelete

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