PEE = MC2
Einstein said that TIME slows down the faster that you travel. I can prove that this also happens the faster that you try to pee.
He discovered that Energy was equal to mass times the speed of light squared, with the speed of light (186,000 miles per second) as a constant in a vacuum such as outer space or in my instance, during an awkward situation in a bathroom that was as disturbing as it was terrifying.
Several years ago while visiting a cousin I was eventually forced to make my way upstairs to use the facilities after ingesting several cocktails. I had been avoiding Nature’s Call for over an hour because he had a huge, male, Iguana, the size of a Komodo Dragon, scampering about the premises.
I don’t know about you but the thought of a Dinosaur scurrying across the floor (click-click-click-click) made my testicles retract up into my throat. EEEWWW!
I felt relatively safe being near my cousin but I had serious doubts about my personal safety should we ever be separated.
By the time my back teeth were floating I knew that my date with destiny was upon me. When the T-Rex rambled off into the Kitchen I bolted up the stairs and slammed the door behind me. WHEW!
As I eased my John Thomas out to mitirate I was suddenly overcome by the creaking of the door hinges…what followed was like a scene out of Jurrasic Park.
They know how to open doors!
I watched in horror as the gigantic scaly head pushed the door wide open and scurried up to the base of the sink (click-click-click-click) NOOOOO!!
My heart was now pumping adrenaline and I started to feel feint. I gazed into those blank, reptilian eyes as my stream slowed down until it had reached a strobe light sort of spurting..(squirt….squirt)
I am positive that I screamed out loud like a small child as the Velociraptor leapt up and onto the vanity right next to me and my seriously overexposed and vulnerable willy.
‘Find a happy place’
Then the creature began to focus on my weiner that had now started to involuntarily shrink and retract into what was now obviously a tantalizing easily bite-sized morsel.
Suddenly my will to live kicked in. Three Billion years of evolutionary instinct began pushing my prostate into hyperspeed…GO GO GO!! What happened next is beyond describing. Time stopped and yet my rate of pee had turned to a blur. Einstein was right.
I watched the entire thing from above exactly as those out of body experiences are described. I could see the monster staring at my pickle while I was whizzing at warp 10.
There was no way in hell that I was going to risk washing my hands with the Komodo languishing in the sink so in a single motion I pivoted, twisted through the doorway in midair and then flung myself down to the bottom of the stairs. With my zipper now mercifully secured and my precious little package safe in the arms of my Levis, my heart rate went back down to about that of a scared Hummingbird.
Does anybody else feel weird when 'pets' watch you go to the bathroom?