Wednesday, April 04, 2007

PEE = MC2

Einstein said that TIME slows down the faster that you travel. I can prove that this also happens the faster that you try to pee.

He discovered that Energy was equal to mass times the speed of light squared, with the speed of light (186,000 miles per second) as a constant in a vacuum such as outer space or in my instance, during an awkward situation in a bathroom that was as disturbing as it was terrifying.

Several years ago while visiting a cousin I was eventually forced to make my way upstairs to use the facilities after ingesting several cocktails. I had been avoiding Nature’s Call for over an hour because he had a huge, male, Iguana, the size of a Komodo Dragon, scampering about the premises.

I don’t know about you but the thought of a Dinosaur scurrying across the floor (click-click-click-click) made my testicles retract up into my throat. EEEWWW!

I felt relatively safe being near my cousin but I had serious doubts about my personal safety should we ever be separated.
By the time my back teeth were floating I knew that my date with destiny was upon me. When the T-Rex rambled off into the Kitchen I bolted up the stairs and slammed the door behind me. WHEW!

As I eased my John Thomas out to mitirate I was suddenly overcome by the creaking of the door hinges…what followed was like a scene out of Jurrasic Park.


They know how to open doors!

I watched in horror as the gigantic scaly head pushed the door wide open and scurried up to the base of the sink (click-click-click-click) NOOOOO!!

My heart was now pumping adrenaline and I started to feel feint. I gazed into those blank, reptilian eyes as my stream slowed down until it had reached a strobe light sort of spurting..(squirt….squirt)

I am positive that I screamed out loud like a small child as the Velociraptor leapt up and onto the vanity right next to me and my seriously overexposed and vulnerable willy.

‘Find a happy place’

Then the creature began to focus on my weiner that had now started to involuntarily shrink and retract into what was now obviously a tantalizing easily bite-sized morsel.

Suddenly my will to live kicked in. Three Billion years of evolutionary instinct began pushing my prostate into hyperspeed…GO GO GO!! What happened next is beyond describing. Time stopped and yet my rate of pee had turned to a blur. Einstein was right.

I watched the entire thing from above exactly as those out of body experiences are described. I could see the monster staring at my pickle while I was whizzing at warp 10.

3...2....1 DONE!

There was no way in hell that I was going to risk washing my hands with the Komodo languishing in the sink so in a single motion I pivoted, twisted through the doorway in midair and then flung myself down to the bottom of the stairs. With my zipper now mercifully secured and my precious little package safe in the arms of my Levis, my heart rate went back down to about that of a scared Hummingbird.

Does anybody else feel weird when 'pets' watch you go to the bathroom?

49 comments:

  1. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh great tale

    aren't iguanas are mostly vegetarian? ?

    ReplyDelete
  2. ziggi,
    I don't think that they would pass up a juicy little mealworm!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Maybe he just wanted to cross streams?


    Actually, that would've completely freaked me out. I broke out in a sweat just reading that.

    The dogs insist on sitting next to me while I shit. I suppose that they figure, if I stand there while they're doing it, they'd better do the same.

    ReplyDelete
  4. As I don't have any kind of pets whatsover, I am not qualified to answer this question.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ha, ha, ha, haaaa! I think you just wanted to talk to us about your weiner amigo mio! from Einstein to peeing and being afraid of komodo dragons? Faboo tangentialism FO SHO!

    And to answer your question, no... I grew up with cats and a lamb and ducks and a chick and hamsters and turtles and birds and dogs... not all at the same time mind you... so to pee is to pee is to pee... plus in Spain when girls party we pee in front of each other in the bathroom so pets and people... it's all good!

    And I LOVE reptiles! I once had a friend leave his snake with me for some hours, wrapped around my neck, as I went about my business... insects though? Now those damn things will most certainly induce a heart attack in yours truly DAS FO SHO!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh! I also had 22 rabbits... at the same time...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have six cats and there are usually at least 2 of them in the bathroom with me at all times. It almost feels odd tinkling without them...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Damn! Those pheromones of yours should be named "call of the wild"!

    You have anybody particularly scaly in your genetic background? I mean lately.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Cats are cute when they peer over the side of the toilet to inspect and then peer up at me with an inquisitive look on their face. They sort of know something's going on. They must wonder why we all keep marking the same enamel bit of territory.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Its is true HE. just think of all the times your in a hurry moving quickly here of there.

    What happens time slows down.....the lights seem to take forever.....the checkout chick is moving people through as quickly.
    As for a pee, well we have all been there done that!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ewwwww, gross! I'm with Gautami and.or Mz Bohemia on this one! You ARE a weiner.

    ReplyDelete
  12. ROFL!!!!!

    Seriously graphic post.

    HE I just pictured this whole event and all the ppl/animals/body-parts/activities that were involved in it oooo lala!

    I've seen it now LOL!

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I feel weird when anyone or anything watches me take a pee.

    Its just not right, I tell ya!!

    Btw...thanks for your comment over at my spot. Much appreciated.

    ReplyDelete
  14. My cat comes in to use his litter box while I'm on the loo.

    Synchronicity. It's all too deep to discuss, I tells ya.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hahaha great story.

    There are days when I pee and both kids are in the bathroom with me and I have a cat on my lap while my husband pops his head in to ask me a question. Sad but true.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hey Christine, Replace the cat with a Maltese Shi Tzu and you are in my life exactly..... I think I'd get stage fright if I tried to pee alone now.

    That was a very vivid tale H.E. I liked the creatures many descriptions.... It went from a Komodo Dragon, to a dinosaur, click-click-click, to TRex to a Verlociraptor back to a Komodo again to a .......PET no less. Even the humble humming bird got a mention......LOL. Very funny post.

    ReplyDelete
  17. kevin,
    I think that Dogs always look embarrassed when they are 'arfecating'..except for little puny dogs who always tremble and look like they are going to die!

    guatami,
    This is a man versus nature issue surely you must have an opinion on who deserves to win.

    miz la boheme,
    Girls pee in front of each other at parties? Is this a time saving device?
    I can understand the obvious fascination that women would have with handling giant snakes. Insects are just as gross! Why any woman would want to hold a big hairy tarantula is beyond me..unless you had one in each hand and a big snake around your neck..ooh la la!

    laurie,
    Cats! I view a Cat's initial, pathetic, pawing in the litterbox with an equal amount of disdain as I do watching a chihuahua shudder and nearly collapse when they do their business...PUH-LEEZE..just go already and quit making such a big deal about it.

    The Michael,
    Yes we all arrived here via the reptilian ancestors whose scales morphed into hair and adapted to a nocturnal existance in order to avoid predation from the gigantic lumbering, diurnal, solar-powered Dinosaurs.

    jammer,
    Is that cat that flushes the toilet when she is finished using it still on YouTube? How many years would it take to train a cat to do that?

    steve,
    I know that Chopper would tell me to harden the f**k up and give the lizard a good whack in the head. I shall begin my shame spiral in 3 2 1 GO!

    without weiner,
    I know you are but what am I...
    infinity!

    keshiroo,
    My Word! Oh dear I have totally emasculated myself and I shall forever be remembered for shrinkage...D'OH!

    awaiting,
    YES YES Finally the voice of reason crying in the wilderness.
    A little privacy please...although I did have fun in Europe conversing with the Ladies in the Unisex Facilities..mind you it wasn't that great until I had about 5 shots of liquid personality.
    You deserve better.

    mj,
    This may very well be the deepest most introspective posting of my life. I have no doubt that Sigmund would have a field day with my little confession. He was all about bodily functions. Of course he was a huge drug addict so 'whatever' Freud!

    christine,
    Been there...when they start to comprehend the ritual it's time to boot them out the door...the end of innocence. Now my little 5 year old demands Fort Knox like conditions when nature calls.

    angel sans wings,
    Doesn't that freaky puzzled look on his face creep you out? Since dogs live in an olfactory world I would imagine that there is way more information being analyzed than I care to discuss...what is it about women going to the powder room in groups? Guys do EVERYTHING possible to avoid each other on their expeditions.

    ReplyDelete
  18. urghh....Turkey Thursday sucks.

    Yeh...the lizards always watch me pee.

    ReplyDelete
  19. ghosty,
    WTH is Turkey Thursday? Do you mean: The Faculty Menu Turkey Thursday, April 05?
    Roasted turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce, and chef's vegetables. Tossed salad and rolls for $6.50?

    Do you really have Lizards staring at your Lizard?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Your comments made me laugh even harder than the original post and its 4.13am here. Gotta get a life!

    ReplyDelete
  21. angel without wings,
    This just in
    GO TO BED!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I read on the loo...
    Whenever I read a magazine, if I come to a page with a face staring, I turn it over immediately.
    Etrange.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Cream,
    In that case you certainly would have feinted if you had a gigantic prehistoric reptilian predator bobbing it's scaly head a mere 18 inches away from your turtling John Thomas!!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Relativity best put: 2 hous with a beautiful woman can feel like 5 minutes, where an hour in a lecture can feel like a life time...

    Love the tale, it brings draining the lizzard to a whole new dimension..

    Happy easter

    ReplyDelete
  25. that was hilarious! omg! this made me laugh till i had to wipe my eyes! god, you poor guy!

    watching? hell, my tater used to come in, step into my pants, right between my ankles there, and curl up and make himself at home. and then give me a look when i lifted him out, too. although i guess i could have shuffled around the house like Tim Conway with a dog in my trousers.

    ReplyDelete
  26. aidan,
    How we view the exciting lives of Movie Stars

    Two Celebrities are travelling down the road of life in the same direction, Star A at 100 and Star B at 105 (he has a hit movie out)

    We regular folk are coming from the opposite direction at 100

    so to our way of thinking those stars are living at 200 & 205

    but to the Star A, Star B is only goin' 5! It's all relative.

    ReplyDelete
  27. first nations,
    Oh sweet tater. Isn't it wonderful to have experienced such adulation and unconditional love.

    I don't care where you're from, nothing says I Love You like getting into someone's pants.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Even for a boy without a winkle (a boy without a winkle is a girl!) being watched by a pet is a bit odd. I used to have a cat who would wander into the bathroom when I was in the bath or on the loo... he was a weird cat anyway (psycho kitten, qu'est que c'est, fa fa fa fa fa...) so having him watch me pee was unsettling to say the least!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Yikes, are you kidding? Urinate in front of a reptile? It does not matter whether your urinary tract has an appendage or no appendage, the fact that there is an iguana watching is creepy. I had a similar experience in a beautiful tropical island in the Philippines. We stayed in a tropical hut by the beach with bamdoo slatted floor. I went to the bathroom at 3AM and as I started to empty my bladder I saw an object on the beam. It was a giant tropical iguana about three feet long! I stopped midstream and woke up my husband so he could shoo the reptile as I still needed to continue my elimination process. He just told me to ignore the animal. Yeah right. He was none the hero. I had to go in the living room and tried to hit the stream between the bamboo slats. They are carriers of salmonella and they stick to your skin. I grew up believing that once they are stuck to your skin only an aeta (aborigine) will make them go away by mooning them! Hahahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Laughter has susbsided enough to tell you that the training of a cat to use a human's loo takes maybe a few weeks, or less, depending on the cat.Not difficult.Some cats get the idea without training.Mine did!
    And if the thought of insects spooks you, do not (repeat NOT) read my post!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Laughter has susbsided enough to tell you that the training of a cat to use a human's loo takes maybe a few weeks, or less, depending on the cat.Not difficult.Some cats get the idea without training.Mine did!
    And if the thought of insects spooks you, do not (repeat NOT) read my post!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Listen up, HE...go over to First Nations and read her post about corvids.It's brilliant.Take your crow/raven pal with you!

    ReplyDelete
  33. It could not be as bad as having 4 kids interrupt you on the throne..could it? I cannot pee or shower in peace :)

    ReplyDelete
  34. Laura Elizabeth2:19 p.m.

    I'm sorry HE, but that just had me howling with laughter! I'm glad you survived the encounter - all parts intact.

    I'm owned by three cats who think they must follow me everywhere. I wonder, sometimes, if they are actually agents of Homeland Security in disguise. And yes, they follow me into the bathroom. They sit in front of me and stare. Sometimes I through toilet paper at them, but usually I just ignore them. They also like to sit on the bathtub while I shower and won't leave until I soak them.

    They're either Homeland Security agents or pervs. Or both.

    Mind the bunny!

    ReplyDelete
  35. laura elizabeth,
    Thank You. Yes, I really dodged a bullet that day.
    I believe that your cats have small cameras embedded in them to monitor your activities.

    If I were you, I would lock them in another room if your blog post contains anything less than flattering, sycophantic, praise for Dubya and his cronies.

    ReplyDelete
  36. The willy to live is a powerful thing. Thank you for this dramatic, uh, expose...

    Personally, my weirdest experience with a pet and the bathroom involved my sister's cat. I was on an extended visit during the summer and her cat turned out to be companionable in a way that exceeded all my expectations.

    Pretty much every day when I experienced Mother Nature's call to adapt the seated posture, I would soon find Karma sauntering into the bathroom, which is where her litter box was kept. She would immediately begin to apply herself to a similar task.

    I could never figure out whether she always had something on deck anyway - in nautical terms, isn't there in fact a "poop deck?" - or whether she was doing something special in honor of me as visitor.

    It was charming and convivial and off putting all at the same time...

    ReplyDelete
  37. paul,
    HA, Cats are weird. I suppose that this COPYCAT routine was some form of flattery ...or maybe it was a competition?
    I realise that 'it' is perceived by some folks (mainly weirdos) as a needlessly lonesome, solitary procedure that they would rather be doing in groups.
    Admit it 'Weirdo', You enjoyed the company didn't You?

    ReplyDelete
  38. h.e., why is my name misspelled here? Are you trying to rile me?

    ReplyDelete
  39. gautami,
    I was so overwhelmed with tripathytion, I mean trepidation,(trembling, fright, quivering, shaking)from your stern pronouncement regarding this very subject, that I must have subconsciously typed in that which I feared most...
    NOooooo!

    ReplyDelete
  40. stace,
    Ha psycho kitten! I like winkle.
    I mean I like the term..not that there is anything wrong with liking winkle..oh you know what I mean! D'OH! Don't tell Chopper.

    ces,
    I would have died right then and there if I saw that at 3 in the morning! Great story, how is your husband enjoying his sensitivity training?

    Aboriginal mooning? Well you learn something new everyday.

    dinahmow,
    C'mon..you can train cats to use the terlet?..in a couple of weeks??
    I used to hate these huge JUNEBUGS that flew around in the summer..they looked like huge Alien Hunter/Killers and when I was a kid I would ride my bike as fast as possible to get home as they buzzed around town UGH!

    I read fn's fabulous corvid post..now I wish that my Crow was back so that I could apologise for being afraid and listen to it's message.

    cazzie,
    I guess! Oh well these are those wonderful innocent days and as much as they seem to be pesty you will look back and cherish them when the challenges of peer pressure and first heartbreaks arrive...ah forget it..just laugh and be thankful that they still want to be around you every possible second.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Happy Easter, HE. Hope all goes well for ya!! Now post already! :)

    ReplyDelete
  42. This post and the comments were hilarious. Thank you for the good laugh. The phrase "I don't think they would pass up a juicy little mealworm" will be forever burned into my brain. Classic!

    I used to always lock the bathroom door when I went in to "do my business". My dear husband has turned me into a peeing and pooping exhibitionist. The door is wide open when either of us goes to the bathroom and at least one of the two dogs usually wanders in to just hang out.

    ReplyDelete
  43. awaiting,
    Thank You M'lady. I have been remiss in my posting duties as of late thanks in part to my predilection for visiting about 100 other blogs and getting immersed in their links etcetera....there are so many interesting peeps out here...amazing.

    anna,
    Now I know how Creationists would envision Cavemen peeing around Dinosaurs a mere 6000 years ago.

    And here I thought that the secret to a happy marriage was separate bathrooms?!

    ReplyDelete
  44. The secret to a happy marriage is opposite work schedules.

    ReplyDelete
  45. I was going to add another comment but I have to pee.

    ReplyDelete
  46. i mean the small lizards on the ceiling. Why didnt you lock the door? I forgot to ask sir.

    ReplyDelete
  47. This makes me think of the Talking Heads song "Animals"

    I am not really a pet person and come from a people who have always had an urban relationship to wild life. So, I understand the dynamic you describe -- although have not had the horror of thinking about it while peeing or with something from Land of the Lost checking me out.

    When pets watch me do anything I think, "God you must be bored."

    ReplyDelete
  48. anna,
    Ships passing in the night are usually happy to see each other as long as they aren't behind schedule.

    mj,
    I'll alert the media!

    ghosty,
    If you recall, the Velociraptors in Jurrasic Park learned how to open doors...apparently Iguanas can too.

    Mutha,
    HA indeed. I suppose that if your brain is still in the Limbic Node stage that small things amuse small minds...HEY, I think that I just insulted myself.

    ReplyDelete
  49. damien laughed his head off at this dude!

    ReplyDelete

Danke für das Kommentieren/Gracias por comentar/Merci du commentaire/Вы для комментария/Thank You for commenting/Σας ευχαριστώ για το σχολιασμό/Grazie per commentare/Tak for kommentaren...

click yer cursor matey...

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...