Friday, November 17, 2006

THAT'S A BIG IF OJ!
North America is reeling from the stunning anouncement that societal pariah OJ Simpson, aka Diddy Do It and Diddit, has written a book entitled
IF I DID IT.

Aside from those 12 dumbass jurors selected for OJs 'Trial Of The Century' in 1995, the rest of the world is convinced that he murdered his wife Nicole and her friend Ron Goldman in 1994.

A civil court found OJ guilty in 1997 and he subsequently moved to Florida to avoid paying the $33.5 Million judgement.

Not to be outdone, another 'innocent' man is crawling out of the woodpile with a 'who me?' book to cash in on the latest trend.

Adolf Hitler, now 114 years old and living in Paraguay, is releasing his own 'work of friction' entitled
Iffen Ich Did Zat?

Here is a*Yiddish reference guide for any of the following terms highlighted in blue that you may not be familiar with....

Apparently Mr. Hitler is sick of being seen as a zhlub and an alter cocker and he is determined to rid himself of all this bobbemyseh and ready to set the record straight.

Accused of causing the deaths of over 50 million people worldwide, Mr. Hitler emphatically denies that he started World War II.

"Vot iffen ich did zat", Hitler writes,
" Oy gavalt I vood haff vaited oontil I hat za hatomik bumb!
Itz hok a chainik!
You zink dat Ich es meshuggina?
Ich did gornisht, I know nuzzing"

Mr. Hiler's first book, Mein Kvetch, was immensely popular in pre War Germany and is still enjoyed by white supremicists, serial killers and various nutjobs around the globe.

Apparently Mr. Hitler has been running a four star hotel for the past 61 years, DER NEENERHAUS, with his wife Eva Braun and several partners.

After years of feeling ver clempt about his name being sullied mit schmutztik and tired of historians portraying him as a schmendrick or luftmensch, he decided to fight back with a literary zetz.

"Vhy zhud I take ziss up meinen tuches?
Einen not zum momzer, gonif, putz or fershtinkiner mit einen loch in mein kop. Zee whole zing es fercoct!"

Longtime partner and Head Chef at the Hotel, Mao Zedong , now aged 113, is also contemplating writing a book to clear his name of the estimated 40-60 million countrymen that he is reputed to have eliminated during his 'great leap forward'.

Hitler's other partner, former Hospitality Manager 'Uncle Joe' Stalin, who passed away at the age of 100 during a cocaine fueled orgy in room #13 back in 1998, also left a manuscript that challenged historical notions that he decimated 20-60 million of his fellow soviet comrades with his so called 'tyrannical regime victimization program'.

The Publisher is considering releasing all three books within the next year if sales of OJ's big IF book achieves their lofty expectations..ONLY IN AMERICA!

Are you surprised?

20 comments:

  1. thanks for the laugh!

    believe it or not, many Americans believe OJ is a total nutjob too........! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I thought someone was referring to an sketch on Air Farce or Rick Mercer when I first heard about this. But NO, it's true. He must be running out of cash or friends with cash.
    The prodigal son coming back home to daddy to see if he is still worthy.

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  3. Not being fluent in German and unable to decipher the blue type, I didn't entirely get this, but still laughed.

    This is what 2006 is all about, isn't it?

    Enterpainment To Spite will make a big deal out of this, we'll all shudder in horror, then millions will go out and buy OJ's book just to see how outrageous it is.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous10:51 PM

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    Will be seeing you again. I think your blog's refreshingly witty and well-written. =)

    Have a wonderful weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous12:05 AM

    Argh. O.J. Simpson is a murdering cretin. You're right, everyone on the planet could see that except those jurors.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Another thing that OJ is indeed guilty of -being a complete and utter WANKER!!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. angela,
    I know that there are only 12 people in the USA who didn't get it..but it is beyond the pale that this blatant crass endeavour could actually happen.

    I saw the father of Ron Goldman explain how they believe OJ set up an intricate web of legal manoeuvres to access the $3Million dollars that the Publisher probably already gave to OJ.
    How that guy walks out the front door in the morning is beyond me?

    brian,
    As per my comment to angela OJ moved to Florida because (for whatever reason) that State prohibits others from chasing their citizens for monies from Civil Lawsuits??? Only in America.

    within,
    I added more info to the Yiddish translator...most of the terms should be recognisable for people who watched Seinfeld..but there are so many great phrases that I had to add more.

    I suppose the fact that I had Hitler using Yiddish terms was lost as well...So much for satire..I guess that I'll just have to stick to the whack-a-mole type humour in the future.

    How is the Grey Cuppage goin?

    Irene,
    You are more than welcome..you have a great blog. I am always thrilled to get a new glancer.
    See you soon..toodaloo.

    pamela,
    Now I admit that when OJ's team played the race card they completely changed the dynamics of the trial and the LA Police Dpt. was on trial and not OJ.
    Mark Furman was a gift!...and decades of incidents like Rodney Fox were brought to fruition..but stilll!!!!

    lee,
    Part of the whole Celebrity thing is the 'right' of the great unwashed masses to destroy their idol if they fail to tow the line.
    OJ probably never understood that his status as a demi-god would ever be challenged...still doesn't get it ...again the USA has an ugly history when it comes to dealing with segregation.

    When I was a boy I remember wondering why black americans, (then referred to as negroes a term that remained unused until the ubiquitous movie star Samuel L Jackson made it hip again)..why blacks had to have their own water fountains and cafeterias in the deep South?

    There is still a lot of BAD Karma to work out.

    ReplyDelete
  8. grumbloquist10:14 AM

    Don't underestimate the power of chutzpah. So much of lemonade is
    in the presentation, lemons being
    (more or less)lemons.
    Rightly or wrongly, these little morality plays get pushed into the stream of consciousness, whence they refuse to move along.
    Want to get rid of this topic? Me,
    too! How 'bout getting a quartet of Johnnie Cochrane look-alikes,
    and a talented frontman like Bill
    Shatner, get 'em to record some sort of infomercials showcasing
    their lyrical stylings (no more
    than 15 - 30 seconds at a whack, just enough to remind viewers that they're in a Reality-free zone), and deliberately couple the spots
    with a few O.J. news breaks. As
    Adm Halsey may have said, "When the going gets tough, they call for the sons of bitches."
    Get Bill on the phone, stat!
    It's time to retire O.J.s number, and the only power capable of draining the Juice back into the the swamp is "The Master", a true practitioner of "Therapeutic
    Kitsch". Believe me, O.J. s little
    travellogue won't hold a candle to
    Shatner singing, "Lucy In The Sky..." with both feet in his mouth. It sounds just as bad with
    both feet on the ground... what a guy!

    ReplyDelete
  9. grumbly,
    Why are you pickin'on Kirk?
    The Shatnerian enigma is the epitome of Canadian social engineering...the zenith of self effacing 'Don't worry I am IN on it..wink wink' rdicule of the cult of celebrity coupled with the caveat:
    hey if someone is going to pay me for making fun of myself am I going to say NO?

    On the other hand OJ is the nadir of our infatuation with celebrity..
    a egomaniacal monstrosity that ignores the Marquis de Queensbury rules about fair play ...
    OJ is famous for being INfamous..
    his football heroics long since washed away and nothing but a footnote in his file...
    still we have to keep feeding the machine don't we??

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm not knocking Shatner at all! As far as I'm concerned, the guy's
    reached an iconic status by realizing that if folks weren't so
    serious and dignified about their
    follies, we wouldn't get so wrapped
    up in life's manifest bullschitt.
    More than that, he's still pushing
    the envelope on so many fronts,
    in the theater of autodeprecation, so important when we all spend way too much time crawling up each others tailpipes for that next thrill.
    Clearly, a pioneer who deserves
    both respect and understanding!

    ReplyDelete
  11. grumbly,
    Sacres Bleu!
    That's more like it!
    Sorry for being so defensive but the Shat-Man is the greatest thing that Canada has produced since Basketball, rubber shoe heels, newsprint, java script, electric light bulb, garbage bags, heart pacemaker, TV, and the zipper to name a few...
    and I want to divert your attention from our involvement in Afghanistan, whacking baby seals, whaling and deep trawling...

    ReplyDelete
  12. OJ fancies some limelight we hear!
    Should cover him in quick lime and light him up!

    ReplyDelete
  13. reyspoutine3:07 PM

    the 'shat-man'.... i like that. the man who shat himself, shattanooga choo choo, iShat, google shats, enough of that.

    you know, i wrote to someone the other day about this very important topic (not shat but simpson):

    I am starting to treat things on Fox much the same way I treat the headlines I read in line at the Safeway checkout counter.

    Do you think, that maybe, just maybe, I'm throwing out a little hypothetical here, but do you think it's possible, even just ever so slightly, that someone thinks that somebody could make a bit of money off of this?
    Guaranteed, there are one million Americans who will buy this book and not care, nor have any consideration about whether this is right, wrong or idiotic. It is simply a story that they will hear about on Fox or Jerry Springer that somehow speaks to their sub-humanity. They will not care that this is the same station that told them to vote Republican, or to hate the French for being reasonable for once. They will only care that this is another piece of pulp that just might fill the void that was created when they realized the American Dream was not meant for them.

    Although, I am sure there are a multitude of vacuous rich folk who will read this like a thriller and think "boy, isn't that neat? he actually wears tight gloves 'cuz it reminds of his football days!"

    America is - and I will say this in code so that I am not put on any list or something -
    America is D dum de dum dumm O scat-at at at O biddle do dum M do doo E be deep deep D !!!

    How else can you say it? At what point do you say, as a "civilization' (of sorts), that we have hit rock bottom? Especially when you continue to dig long after the bell sounds?

    "We've hit something! I think it's a...uh....No, false alarm! It's just OJ. Keep digging."


    apparently, his house and his NFL pension cannot be touched by the judgement of the civil suit and refuses to pay.
    the whole thing is really quite sad. and north americans think that people who get angry when someone bulldozes their house is crazy...

    hey, there is one difference though between all those books in the pipeline: everyone else is outright refuting their guilt, whereas simpson is putting that little twist on his tell all - IF i did it, this is how it all went down.

    how clever is THAT?
    now how about the Rumsfeld account of his famous handshake with Hussein? "The photos are all fakes - there was no meeting. However, if I did shake hands with Saddie, it would have been one of those one-finger-palm- tickler kind of shakes."

    or what about an Ollie North book? "I had no involvement whatsoever. On the other hand, if it had been me, I would've done everything to get them the bomb. THAT would've shaken things up."

    Connie Rice? "I've never considered Bush and I as husband and wife. However if we were, you'd never see him in charcoal grey again."

    ooh, this is a game we could play all day.

    was this supposed to be a short post or a long post?

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  14. I am not surprised, unfortunately... but sickened beyond words? Yep...

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous8:57 AM

    I find it quite interesting that the real "nutjobs" becomes leaders of countries. That makes me wonder who we are that follows these people and commit such things in their names when they are so mentally ill that they should be locked away. Then what are we?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Anonymous8:58 AM

    I find it quite interesting that the real "nutjobs" becomes leaders of countries. That makes me wonder who we are that follows these people and commit such things in their names when they are so mentally ill that they should be locked away. Then what are we?

    My blog

    ReplyDelete
  17. creme de la creme,
    We should probably just ignore him..look at all of the negative attention that he is getting..he must be thrilled!

    reyspoutin'off at the mouth again,
    WO! I want to hear more of your thoughts on Dubya (think Bo Diddly) singin'
    I WANT CON-DI!
    This freak show sponsored by FOX is a new low in it's offering to the Lowest F'n Common Denominator gods...it makes Springer look like masterpiece Theatre.
    Say NO to NOTORIETY!

    miz Bo,
    Hola! Do they have a celebrity that they love to hate in Spain?

    hey daniel-hao!
    Well I suppose we mere mortal citizens could adopt a NONE OF THE ABOVE pro forma and stop blindly following these so called leaders around the world...but that would entail putting more effort into the system and most people defer to the Homerian motto "Ya but what are ya gonna do?"

    ReplyDelete
  18. I was pretty stunned at the news that O.J. is in the news again. with his book and pseudo-confession.

    The guy's like Dracula just when you thought he was gone he keep's rising from the dead.

    Well the way you killed Dracula, was a stake through the heart and the only way to (figuratively, of course) kill 0.J. is to close your wallets and turn your T.V. channel elsewhere.

    I doubt that this will happen though, just Like Dracula, O.J. seems to have a seductive quality about him, that both Americans and Canadians find hard to resist.

    I only hope we here in Canada don't turn current accused B.C. serial killer Robert Pickton into the same sort of media star as O.J.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I read this in the papers too. WTF does he think he's doing?

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  20. scott
    You're back! Great analogy because it is about death and a guy who sucks. Our cult of celebrity ensures that the media capitalizes on the opportunity to create controversy just to make money because villains are guaranteed to capture the imaginations of the great unwashed.
    I hope that they don't sell 1 copy but you know damn well what will happen.

    keshiroo,
    Well they say that sociopaths are egomaniacal people who cannot distinguish between good and evil and nothing outside of themselves is of any consequence.
    Expensive lifestyles require a lot of cash..it's all about the $Benjamins$.

    ReplyDelete

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