Thursday, June 08, 2006

AAAAARRRRGGHH!!!!!!

The Motion Picture Association of America is lamenting the very sad fact that only 1.4 Billion people ventured into NorthAmerican movie theatres in 2005. Apparently that is 240 million less than 2004. Revenue from NorthAmerican ticket sales dropped to a paltry $8.9 Billion and worldwide receipts a mere $23 Billion. Boo-Hoo!

Ironically 2005 will be remembered as the Clooney/Gay Year.

George is the impossibly handsome-Oscar clutching-writer-director-actor-producer-Sexiest Man Alive 1997-limousine liberal-heart on his sleeve-self effacing-multi millionaire-aw shucks guy next door-KING OF HOLLYWOOD and is now without a doubt the most desirable sperm donor in the universe!


The other story of 2005 is the box-office success of gay themed movies about cowboys and writers. I have a nagging suspicion that the star of Batman Returns, actor Christian Bale, will be in for a few surprises when he gets the script for the sequel: Robin The Boy Wonder.

Actually, I am amazed that ANYONE actually goes to see movies in a theatre!
Hey Mr. Movie Marketing Genius Executives I'll tell you why I can't enjoy the movie and exactly what is so annoying about sitting in a dark room with 200 loud, smelly strangers for 2 hours.
Hmmm let's see....oh yeah;

Everybody else is too f*cking busy TALKING to others/to themselves/to you!?/on cell phones/narrating each scene to the audience/asking questions/pointing out plot holes/yelling at onscreen villains/warning onscreen victims and WHISPERING LIKE THIS!/ jangling their keys/jiggling their change/ kicking the back of your chair/ coughing/ expectorating on the back of your head/ farting/probing their pockets ewwwh!/parading back and forth to the washroom/picking their nose gawd/stepping on your toes/burping/ knocking your arm off of the armrest/ not-so-secretly staring at your date's boobs for 2 hours COME ON../and randomnly rubbing against various parts of your persons ugh!

True, these are all simply etiquette issues that will not be resolved in my lifetime but COME ON!


What about the snacks! OK...Other people insist on chomping and chewing popcorn with their mouths WIDE OPEN/swishing their straw through the ice in their soft drink cup/ slurping and gulping the last microscopic drop of coke/ rattling the ice around the cup..IT'S EMPTY/crunching the ice cubes in their mouth....but the absofrickinlutely one thing you marketing wizards could do is.....
p l e a s e ....

GET RID OF THE CELLOPHANE WRAPPED CANDY! crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle crinkle..aaarrrggghh!!!!...
why dear gawd why?

Maybe it's just me,
but the way things are now,
everybody might just as well bring a frickin Tambourine and a Kazoo?




COME ON!

10 comments:

  1. Hodedoo10:35 PM

    Oh dear Homo escapeon:

    I know you truly love the whole movie going theater experience due to seeing George 8 feet tall. Who are you kidding? Besides thats the wife likes it also.

    ReplyDelete
  2. u kno wat...thats why there are pirate dvd's. :p

    Man, if u manage to get a throphy chick to the cinema, ull forget everything else.

    ReplyDelete
  3. and...Clooney is da best ever.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Yeah, but it's COOL to be scene at the theatre.

    Even on Toonie Tuesday, it's going to cost you $30 to show up with a date. Because it costs you about $12 each just for the popcorn you munch on, the drink you slurp and the licorice you have to unwrap from those cellophane packages!

    I noted last night a new TV ad obviously put out by the movie theatre people showing a guy raving about his 50-inch TV, then they go wide screen and say, 'but this screen is 50 FEET!', showing a movie screen.

    Aren't you kind of getting grumpy in your old age?

    ReplyDelete
  5. complaining about the toils of going to the movies? all the snacking, coughing booby munchers are only in your neck of the woods. it seems your stomping ground is filled with annoying back woods types. here in the big smoke we can't hear anything. and as for the staring boobs thing. i would stop oogling your dates tits if she stopped wearing the glow in the dark underwear. kinky bastard!

    ReplyDelete
  6. thats so true...cinemas r haunted these days...I go there sometimes...very rarely tho...thanks to my comfy sofa, noisy snacks and the DVDs...:)

    Keshi.

    ReplyDelete
  7. hodedoo,
    It's bad enough that we men have to be compared to George..but I can't help but like him..aw shucks.

    ghost,
    I know, I know. It is still the best date scenario (unless you pick some horrendous piece of sh*t movie)
    always let her pick the first one.
    Always.
    Yes I sound like a broken record but George is the proverbial Ultimate Guy,dammit. I wish I could loathe him but he is just so together...

    within,
    As theatres compete with the zen-like comfort of cocooning with a flick at home they have to drop their admission prices. But now the concession stand is like shopping on Rodeo Drive!
    I am grumpy because other people have ruined many a movie for me thanks to their lack of social graces. C'MON

    whidev,
    There you go spoutin' off about the superiority of the Big SMOG. I know that you're just pulling my chain because everybody in Canada knows that per capita Whateverpeg has more cultural arts than anyone else..so nyah!
    As for the oggling C'MON!

    keshi,
    Because two generations now have grown up with TV they think that its OK to YAK through a movie..it is so #@%^$*ng annoying..C'MON!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hahaha It's funny because it's true! I really can't be bothered to go see a movie at the theatre anymore. Maybe it's because my husband falls under the fart category. Damn popcorn! *shakes fist* He almost cleared the entire row of people sitting behind us at Titanic on our HONEYMOON! C'MON!

    I prefer the Drive In, I can roll down my window for fresh air. Seriously though, It's unfortunate they're closing a lot of those places down. I heart the drive in!

    ReplyDelete
  9. LOL! In my youth I dreamed of going to the movies. When I got old enough and could go, they closed them down in our little town. Now, I don't care for them for all the reasons you listed, and one more. The cost! It's unbelievable. I wait until the movie comes to cable.

    Oops! This reminds me that I need to get my cable hooked up legally, since the cable guy who hooked it up has been fired.

    ReplyDelete
  10. christine,
    That is distressing. I can only imagine your embarassement as your hubby sang My FART will Go On during Titanic!

    liquidplastic,
    CABLE GUY! I hope that they don't send Jim Carey. You're right I didn't even rant about the cost did I..C'MON!

    ReplyDelete

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