RANTS IN MY PANTS!
If you have any doubts about our species heading for the evolutionary trash heap, visit a nearby shopping mall on a Saturday. If you actually survive the trek from your vehicle to the store remember to count your blessings. The horror of the shopping experience begins here in the parking lot thanks to (but certainly not limited to) the following grossly exagerrated misanthropic stereotypes of homo escapeons;
1. Look Out! Here comes
ancient, sensory deprived, 4ft tall blue-rinser who travels at 15 mph in parking lots AND on major thoroughfares.
With her reaction time measured in minutes, Mrs. O'Dear would be completely unaware that she had hit a shopping cart with her huge car and torpedoed it into your spleen.
Once she has somehow managed to get out of her giant 'land-yacht' (which of course is still running) and assumes a semi-vertical position, it's off to the store.
Following a three hour forage in the one single store in the entire mall that she will shop at it's off to the check out line.
That's where Mrs. O'Dear will bring the express lane to a grinding halt as she rummages through her purse for 20 minutes to produce the exact change required to purchase a single tin of cat food and a ball of wool. Then it's off to wander around the parking lot for the next hour because she can't remember where she parked.
Don't worry the nice young men from Security will rescue her and within a few short hours she will be back at home (4 blocks away) writing out tomorrow's identical shopping list.
2. Look Out! Here comes
'LIL MISS OMG!,
teenage gum chompin' airhead who is screaming into her omnipresent cell phone... "Whatever..Shut-UP...Oh My God...He did not!" as she zooms into the parking spot that you have patiently waited for with your meaningless signal flashing.
Lil Miss OMG! can't actually see your 4ooo pound 6 foot high bright red Van. Nor can she hear the other person(s) on her phone because her car stereo is BLARING one of those awful crappy repetitive songs.
She will manage to park her car (through the miracle of osmosis)without incident even though she is staring at her image in the rear view mirror and applying gloss to her lips. When she turns off her car and the stereo shuts off through the high pitched ringing in your ears you begin to notice familiar sounds begining to emerge all around you.
Lil Miss OMG! will then give you the Whatever! look, as she emerges from the car along with atleast 7 other clones all talking on their phones. One has to assume that they are actually talking to each other?
As Lil Miss OMG! exits her car, she and all of the others, will sneer at you because you and your entire family can't help but stare with gaping jaws at their pierced belly ornaments and the junk in the trunk 'supersized' plumber butts comin' out of their jeans. This spectacle would not be replete without noticing the mandatory tattoo above the thong string that is trying to escape the netherlands.
The tatoo usually features an oriental type script that Lil Miss OMG thinks translates as a symbol for charisma or dragonlady. In actuality the misprinted tattoo translates as Eat At Cho's.
You don't want to know what she's buying and neither do her parents. No really, you don't want to know.
3. Look out! Here comes
in his 15 ft. tall MONSTER! truck.
Idling at about 25 mph he rumbles through the parking lot in his huge vehicular 'penis extension'. He doesn't seem to notice you if you are another male,
A. because you do not have any breasts and
B. he can't afford to waste the extra brain power required on crap like that
C. unless you are standing next to someone who may have breasts.
Let's face it, he is gonna park wherever the hell he wants to. It will probably be on an elevated freshly landscaped area. Henry Homones conspicuously parks on the highest available surface capable of supporting the weight of his truck because he is hoping that someone (with breasts) will notice how Huge his MONSTER! truck is and not how Puny and Goofy he is.
Henry is at the mall to walk around and look at people who have (wait for it) breasts.
Actually I feel better already and I'll just have to save the 'Rants In My Pants' regarding sharing the road with this lot for another day.
Please feel free to add other annoying stereotypes to the list.....