Monday, March 12, 2007

RANTS IN MY PANTS!











If you have any doubts about our species heading for the evolutionary trash heap, visit a nearby shopping mall on a Saturday. If you actually survive the trek from your vehicle to the store remember to count your blessings. The horror of the shopping experience begins here in the parking lot thanks to (but certainly not limited to) the following grossly exagerrated misanthropic stereotypes of homo escapeons;

1. Look Out! Here comes
MRS. O'DEAR,
ancient, sensory deprived, 4ft tall blue-rinser who travels at 15 mph in parking lots AND on major thoroughfares.
With her reaction time measured in minutes, Mrs. O'Dear would be completely unaware that she had hit a shopping cart with her huge car and torpedoed it into your spleen.
Once she has somehow managed to get out of her giant 'land-yacht' (which of course is still running) and assumes a semi-vertical position, it's off to the store.
Following a three hour forage in the one single store in the entire mall that she will shop at it's off to the check out line.

That's where Mrs. O'Dear will bring the express lane to a grinding halt as she rummages through her purse for 20 minutes to produce the exact change required to purchase a single tin of cat food and a ball of wool. Then it's off to wander around the parking lot for the next hour because she can't remember where she parked.
Don't worry the nice young men from Security will rescue her and within a few short hours she will be back at home (4 blocks away) writing out tomorrow's identical shopping list.

2. Look Out! Here comes
'LIL MISS OMG!,
teenage gum chompin' airhead who is screaming into her omnipresent cell phone... "Whatever..Shut-UP...Oh My God...He did not!" as she zooms into the parking spot that you have patiently waited for with your meaningless signal flashing.
Lil Miss OMG! can't actually see your 4ooo pound 6 foot high bright red Van. Nor can she hear the other person(s) on her phone because her car stereo is BLARING one of those awful crappy repetitive songs.
She will manage to park her car (through the miracle of osmosis)without incident even though she is staring at her image in the rear view mirror and applying gloss to her lips. When she turns off her car and the stereo shuts off through the high pitched ringing in your ears you begin to notice familiar sounds begining to emerge all around you.

Lil Miss OMG! will then give you the Whatever! look, as she emerges from the car along with atleast 7 other clones all talking on their phones. One has to assume that they are actually talking to each other?
As Lil Miss OMG! exits her car, she and all of the others, will sneer at you because you and your entire family can't help but stare with gaping jaws at their pierced belly ornaments and the junk in the trunk 'supersized' plumber butts comin' out of their jeans. This spectacle would not be replete without noticing the mandatory tattoo above the thong string that is trying to escape the netherlands.

The tatoo usually features an oriental type script that Lil Miss OMG thinks translates as a symbol for charisma or dragonlady. In actuality the misprinted tattoo translates as Eat At Cho's.
You don't want to know what she's buying and neither do her parents. No really, you don't want to know.

3. Look out! Here comes
HENRY HORMONES
in his 15 ft. tall MONSTER! truck.
Idling at about 25 mph he rumbles through the parking lot in his huge vehicular 'penis extension'. He doesn't seem to notice you if you are another male,

A. because you do not have any breasts and
B. he can't afford to waste the extra brain power required on crap like that
C. unless you are standing next to someone who may have breasts.

Let's face it, he is gonna park wherever the hell he wants to. It will probably be on an elevated freshly landscaped area. Henry Homones conspicuously parks on the highest available surface capable of supporting the weight of his truck because he is hoping that someone (with breasts) will notice how Huge his MONSTER! truck is and not how Puny and Goofy he is.
Henry is at the mall to walk around and look at people who have (wait for it) breasts.

Actually I feel better already and I'll just have to save the 'Rants In My Pants' regarding sharing the road with this lot for another day.
Please feel free to add other annoying stereotypes to the list.....

35 comments:

  1. In India, the mall culture is relatively new! The shopkeepers shout at the top of their voices to visit them. It sounds like a street market! Minus the open spaces!

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  2. OK, I recognised your grandmother and your daughter in that, but was the third one really you? I had you down as being more sophisticated.

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  3. gautami,
    Here the shopkeepers ignore you at all costs and busy themselves by pretending to do inventory (crossword puzzles)
    There is no shouting because the Mall Muzac is playing Barry Manilow at about 150 decibals.

    Vicus,
    I am the incorrigible Larry Lookey-Look always searching for the 'PERFECT SPOT'! My wife pleads with me to drop her off before I embark on my Quixotic mission.
    By the time I park she is usually finished and walking back towards the Van.
    Sadly, I appear to be beyond reform regarding this matter.

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  4. Parking in shopping malls in Britain seems to be a slightly less interesting experience, shall we say.

    Mind you, I certainly recognise Henry Hormones. We parked at the same time as a couple arguing in their fifty foot high/long/wide off-roader with bullbars, only for shaven headed, ten foot wide/high Mr Hormones to get out and say to us "you may both look very nice but you park like animals". "What was that?" said Mrs Hormones. "THEY MAY LOOK VERY NICE BUT THEY PARK LIKE PIGS!" he shouted back.

    We just smiled and walked away from being killed like the wimps we are.

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  5. Then there are the large families/teenage gangs that walk seven-abreast down the middle of the lanes (very slowly, engaged in loud, obscene conversation), and of course their cars are parked at the very end, so you are forced to follow them slowly until they pass an empty spot, unless you finally lose it and simply bull thru them hoping like hell they don't insist on playing chicken with you (although you secretly wish they would, cause you'd win, at least momentarily).

    And of course the traffic lights at the exit roads are set to allow only two cars to get out before they change, so that it takes seventeen times longer to get OUT of the mall area than it took to get in. They want to get you IN to spend your money, but could care less how long it takes you to get OUT once you have.

    And how exactly did Spencers Gifts morph into a major pornographic T-shirt and sex toy outlet that your kids are free to browse without any body seeming to notice? Fundamentalist Christian's haven't noticed this and DEMANDED they be shut down by now? I find that rather odd.........

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  6. Oh hell. I go to the store for a can of cat food and a ball of yarn too, but they're not sold at the same store. What up with that?? Two trips?? It's hard enough to slog around in the snow while asswipes in Hummers screech around me while I look for a space Way...Way...at the back of the lot where I won't be parked in or smacked. Then I walk the longer route and have to dodge the lot speeders like I'm an Ewok sans blaster pistol.

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  7. betty,
    Forgot your tazer at home? Yes isn't it wonderful to encounter such lovely people((sigh)) it makes shopping such a pleasurable experience.
    See now if you lived in Texas Henry would know that you're packin' heat.

    THE michael,
    Yep I know exactly who you are referring to...usually from out of town and not used to the idea that they are totally expendable in the grand scheme of things..they doddle towards the entrance expectorating and having about 40 last drags of their cigarettes...then they give you the stare...that blank nobody home my cousins have been marrying my cousins for about 500 years stare that let's you know that natural selection has ceased to monitor the reproductive antics of our species.
    Spencer Gifts is a HUGE porn store now..so much for Ozzie Osborne scale models and blacklight posters..wth?

    shelley,
    Ewoks! HA! Kootay yeeeaaiiiee!
    The Law of Parking states unequivacally that unless you are a complete frickin' sociopath you will be marooned in the furthest gawdforsaken darkest corner of the lot where the skateboard kids sit on the curb with crowbars waiting for you to get out!

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  8. Wow, Homey, I don't know what kind of hooligans you Winnepeggians have up there, but down here in Madison we're civilized, I tellz ye, civilized!!
    Our skateboard kids carry rubber mallets. :O

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  9. Mr WU Tanger... PUffy jacket matching the boyz in the hood, (i always find it cute when couples dress alike), on their state of the art mobile phone, "talking" about blunts and bitches, and you just know that their mum is waiting in the car park to pick them up later. talking about hard ship, listening to Rap music, and how complicated life is with a trust fund.

    High court judges of the future...

    Thanks for the laugh on an idle tuesday

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  10. I live a stone's throw from a major shopping centre. Don't get me started. Lil Miss OMG gives me the absolute irrits every time. But you forgot Mr Shaggy - the teenage boy who tries to look like Ashton Kucher by not doing his hair. Mr Shaggy tends to hang out with Lil Miss OMG. The two of them and their numerous identical cronies seem to spend all their free time in the music shops or McChucks, or buying teeny-bopper glam clothing from all the teeny-bopper glam shops posing as gothic.

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  11. Mr Homo -you have given me uncomfortable flashbacks to when I use to go stay with my Great Aunt and go shopping with her-!Oh Dear!!The embarrassment I felt as a teenager standing there with her at the checkout while she fished around in the bottom of her purse for 5 cents!! Arrrghhh! And all the while the checkout chick is rolling her eyes!! What is it with the elderly -they gotta use up her change??? Mightn't be around to use it tomorrow???

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  12. I mean "their change".

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  13. Lil Miss OMG's are controlled here by putting bus depots by every major shopping mall in the damn city. We still get them at every damn mall, but they don't drive thankfully.

    As for HENRY HORMONES that is about 70% of the population in Alberta.

    Here is the breakdown:

    70% HENRY HORMONES
    10% Lil Miss OMG
    10% Normal people (like myself)
    10% Old farts

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  14. Ziggi4:21 AM

    What about Mr O'Dear? Him in his flat cap and driving gloves? Can't see over the steering wheel and doesn't believe in gears above 3rd?

    and Hormone Henry's English cousin "White Van Man" he's got a ring in his eyebrow and an all-over tattoo - he's only stopping off to buy beer and to him you're not a person you're a target. You better not be in HIS f*cking way!

    Then there's Yummy Mummy in her people carrier who needs 2 parking spaces and a 3 mile radius in which to manoeuvre.

    This is fun!

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  15. shelley,
    Here in Whateverpeg your car is more likely to be stolen by a 12 year old who is immediately released by the police and back in business that day. There is nothing that society can do to these kids because it wouldn't be politically correct to correct them.

    Aidan,
    Yo Yo YO Home boy! Yes the attraction of associating with the urban ghetto experience is a powerful elixer to suburban kids.
    The pants hangin' around their ass makes it hard to outrun even the most doughnut laden overweight cop so it all works out in the end.
    I discovered that the pants thing is paying homage to doin' time in prison because they won't give you a belt and so your pants droop.

    stace,
    If these mall rats didn't get allowance and had to work for their own money thay might not waste it..no they'd still waste it what am I saying.
    It's one thing to see how ridiculous they look but the clincher is when you are stuck listening to their insipid banter that drives me crazty!!!

    lee,
    I guess it's that whole Depression Era thing...I don't think that you can get that out of your system once you have lived through it..now people live far beyond their means and they don't realise that it could (and probably will) happen again.
    Governments have completely abandoned the notion that people should be responsible for their monetary decisions and our fearless leaders believe that they have to keep the Economy going at any cost....
    either way they will eliminate paper and coin money in our lifetime and lineups will still be slow as the ancients try to remember PIN numbers...Oh Dear!

    statisticalblogger,
    70%!!! Atleast 70% of Albertans...and the other thing about Albertan drivers is that they drive about 50 kilometres faster than anyone else in Canada.I think that the Government allows this because the average age in the rest of Canada is about 50 but in Alberta the average age is about 24.

    ziggi,
    HA! Yes I love those little old guys sitting on a pillow..their bones are brittle and disintegrate into a fine powder as they race around town doing exactly one half the speed limit...and they can't see more than 3 inches away but the government doesn't want to be responsible for transporting all of these little buggers all over town so they let them keep driving.


    Yummy Mummy parking her mobile home is not for the faint of heart..you would think that she is trying to parrallel park the Space Shuttle for gawdsake...then she hauls out enough gear and supplies to service a platoon of soldiers for a week even though she and her toddler and baby are just going in for ten minutes...which turns into 2 hours...atleast now our malls have yummy mummy assigned parking that unfortunately is taken by myopic Mr O'Dears and inebriated stoners like White Van Man.

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  16. dana d8:50 AM

    I've learned to avoid the mall at all costs unless of course I magically win a family day pass where the parking lot and mall are mine for the day....all mine, no "Mrs O'Dear's" or "Lil Miss OMG" or "Henry Hormones", or my own personal favorite the "Screwers". They are the one's who feel that they are the only one's who matter, screw society and the rules!!! They will double park you, screwing you, they will take up two stalls to protect their vehicle, srewing you, they will "drive" their carts in the store and leave them in the middle of the isle while they galavant down a side isle, screwing you while you back up and navigate through center displays with three kids just to bypass them only to stumble upon another !#^%ing cart,with the owner of that cart chatting it up with someone they probably already spoke to that morning, once again srewing you!! "Screwers" are totally oblivious to others and the unwritten "rule" of shopping cart/parking lot etiquette!!

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  17. dana,
    I love your term 'Screwers'...and there are thousands and thousands of them...they are the ones that cut in front of me thinking that their outting is the most important event currently taking place on the planet..that space that I leave while I am driving is in case the vehicle in front of me has to stop suddenly ..you little f*cking asshole!!!
    Screwers are so lucky that I don't borrow a raygun from NASA and vaporise their little asses into the the ether. They make every trip a vexing ordeal. They usually have their car vibrating with some horrific gangsta crap pounding 180 decibals out of their car and they are yakking on their cell phone completely oblivious to the outside world...if I am ever reincarnated as a traffic cop LOOK OUT..I'll make Judge Dread look like Judge Judy!

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  18. My "favorite" patron isn't in the parking lot, but inside the mall itself. It's Orphan Husband. Orphan Husband can be found taking up valuable real estate as he leans against the accessory table outside the dressing room, where his wife is trying on jeans. I would like to look at the scarves on that table, but Mr. OH's butt in in the way, and he doesn't move...even as I reach to see the wares that are on display directly behind him.

    Another variation of Mr. OH is the guy--usually older--who sits in the chair outside the fitting room in the lingerie department. He can be seen ogling the ladies as they do their bra shopping. One would assume that he's simply waiting for his wife to come out of the fitting room. But guess what? There is NOBODY in that fitting room! His wife left the area hours ago. She's probably in the furniture department by now.

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  19. ms.val,
    HA! Orphan Husband it is! I know the feeling but I finally figured out that if I complain enough I won't even get asked to forage and scan the entire mall for 3 hours just for something to do...I'd rather have needles poked in my eyes!

    There is not one single atom in the male body that understands the gathering concept..we are hunters..if you need something go to the closest store and get it and then go home. That is why Men's Clothing hasn't changed in 300 years and everything is laid out so that you can grab it, pay for it, and go.

    Shopping is sheer torture, loitering in a shopping mall is cruel and unusual punishment and only males who are still in the infatuation phase of dating can tolerate it...
    the rest are Herbie Henpecked who have had their very souls eviscerated one nag at a time and they are just waiting to die..preferably right then and there in the mall!

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  20. When it comes to the National Lottery I think I have won £10 in the first year it started and then I gave up after that.

    If there were a lottery for parking spaces, I definitely would be a millionaire.
    You know that space that every eager shopper secretly covets, right in front of the supermarket sliding doors... Yes, that spot! It has my name written all over it!
    In every supermarket, in every town in the UK and Europe!
    Yes, in bright yellow letters: CREAM's space! Keep clear!

    If you have ever parked in that space, apologies accepted as long as you're gone when I get there!

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  21. LOL, yes I believe you are right on there.

    My dad hates driving with me while I drive. He says he can tell I was born and raised in AB. I say I can tell he was born and raised in ONT.

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  22. LOL HE @Mrs.O'Dear!


    wut abt Ms.IM-PARKING-RIGHT-THERE-BITCH-SO-STAY-OUT-OF-MY-SPOT?


    I have met alot of ppl like that in Parking areas. I once had a fight with a woman who claimed I stole her parking when she was like 5km away from the spot!


    Keshi.

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  23. I was already thinking of stereotypes when I got so distracted by lil miss OMG. It is a recurring nightmare of mine that my daughter might end up dressing and talking like that.

    I never thought I was conservative until I saw a girl who I swear could be no older than 13 wearing a tank top so low cut that the top of her black bra was showing and a miniskirt that would show everything if she so much as tried to check out her black toenail polish.

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  24. there is nothing, NOTHING worse than a sixteen year old girl with delusions of entitlement working her first cashiers job at the mall. they are doing you a great big heapin favor simply by allowing you to view their perfection, and here you are acting like they should, oh, i dunno, ring up a purchase? or make change?
    HUGE sigh. IRRITATED shake of the hair. ROLL the eyes at the other cashier.
    then theres the obligatory food court dimmie with the seeping wen asking you if you'd like your order supersized. no, and i'm not real thrilled about you touching my food with exposed dermis, either.

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  25. grumblescent10:26 PM

    Hmm, conspicuous by his absense
    (little doubt that he's veering toward the busiest intersection he can find, even at this hour) is the
    "Man in the Hat". This dude is
    everywhere, going nowhere, at about 5 mph, with plenty of lane
    changes and turns, commensurate
    with the number of vehicles just
    begging to be snarled in hopeless (and largely pointless) traffic jams, preferably, on Saturdays.
    So, who's leading this impromptu
    parade of lemmings? Off in the distance, I can barely make out the glossy silhouette of a clean,
    10 year old Buick... and a hat. Oh,
    McGoo, you've done it again!

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  26. Rants in my Pants?! Hey...that rhymes with Ants in my Pants.
    Sorry, I couldn't be any more clever. Hey...clever rhymes with never, rhymes with...

    Have you ever heard of this one? (starts the music)
    Got a heater in my truck and I don't give a f*** and I'm off to the rodeo. ( or at least to the mall anyways).
    Small men in BIG trucks...now that's cool.

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  27. cream,
    Please let me know when you will be arriving in North America so that I can park accordingly...HA!
    I never park that close to the entrance because of the torpedoing shopping carts that people launch after they have loaded the car..wth?

    drivelikeanalbertanblogger,
    I am not sure what the big rush is in Alberta..I think that it is because you have all of that Oil that you guys drive like there is no tomorrow..Albertans go through a herd of Triceratops an hour.

    keshiroo,
    HA did she see a parking spot at home on google earth and then rush out the door? I hope that you took that mutha' down for disrespectin'!

    menchie,
    Your daughter won't dress like that if you teach her to respect herself and make her understand that if she dresses like a mini ho that she will be treated as such...anyway by then we will probably see kids emulating the 50s and bobby socks, sweaters and long skirts will be back in...don't girls change their clothes on the way to the mall and 'tart out' in the car so that their parents don't know?

    first nations,
    HAHAHA! They drive me friggin' crazy too! OMG can't you see that I am in the middle of a conversation with my work friend...and the food court creatures..why is there always atleast 50% of them who are retail rejects that aren't presentable enough to work in a store?
    Hairnet my ass..I want them in a full HAZMAT SUIT if they are touching my food containers!

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  28. grumblarmaximus,
    Hat Man..isn't there a staute of limitations on how long you can operate a motor vehicle? You'd think that someone at the MVB would notice a 3 foot man renewing his license that was issued when Teddy Roosevelt was President?!
    Off he goes with his little periscope to see over the dashboard...the fact that these guys make it anywhere affirms my belief in chaos theory.

    brian,
    Of course I know that song it is the only C&W song in my entire library..well aside from Hayseed Dixie and their treatment of AC/DC, Pink Floyd and Areosmith.

    The only thing more pathetic than a wee man in a monster truck is a midlife crisis mobile (Cherry Red Viper) being driven by a paunchy rug flappin' in the wind 'old dude'...
    ditch the 'cougar magnet' buddy it ain't happenin'!

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  29. Le Grumblier12:13 AM

    It's possible that everyone who
    hauls their sorry patoot up to the
    food court may be provably guilty of tastelessness, but in this case, parole is far harsher than
    a sentence. Not a comment on any
    character, merely an observation on
    society in general. No need for any
    lawyers, as justice is inescapable.

    ReplyDelete
  30. grumblexpealidocious,
    Tru Dat!

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  31. How come my comments made last year shows here? I do not think this is a repost or is? My memory might have gone to the dogs! Who knows?

    ReplyDelete
  32. gautami,
    Don't you have a Time Machine yet?
    You were the only commenter (as was so often the case) so I recycled...which freed up time to visit other blogs.
    When I snap my fingers you will forget everything that I just said..
    3
    2
    1
    ((SNAP))

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  33. Ha...you lost your touch. My memory is as sharp as ever.

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  34. **HA did she see a parking spot at home on google earth and then rush out the door?

    LOL yeah thats what I meant by 5km.

    keshi.

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  35. jules2:45 PM

    I thought the whole 'pants below your ass' came from prisons where if you were 'available' you wore them that way? If those kids only knew THAT is the reason for that way to wear their pants, do you think they'd still do it? Even if it's not the cause of it, can we start the rumor? Maybe they'll stop. I just want to jerk them a wedgie!

    ReplyDelete

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