PIECE UNEARTHED,

CAN IT BE?

I find it perplexing that here in the 21st Century we are still arguing bout the implications of a tiny Human Being. A storm of controversy persists over the very meaning of our existance.



How could one little person create such a big fuss?

Who this child sized person was, may hold the key to the eternal question..

how did we get here?

At the centre of it all is Homo_floresiensis , a three foot tall premodern Hominid equipped with a minisucle 400cc Brain that may have outlasted the Neaderthals.

Carbon dating places this being as having lived alongside of us as recently as 12,000 years ago..our nearest relatives, the Neanderthals disappeared around 24,000 years ago.

Paleontologists argue whether this so-called Hobbit was a microcephalic modern human or a fire using-tool making prototype that somehow outlasted their best before date.

The paltry brain power of this individual is equal to that of the infamous Lucy who nervously scampered around the African portion of Savannistan some 3 Million years ago. 400 cc Hominids did not make tools?

Personally I am siding with the Scientists who are convinced that she was not microcephalic and that evidence in the shape of the carpals suggests that she had possessed excellent finger-thumb manipulation capabilities..

the carpals of apes are far superior for transferring weight, throwing poo, and hanging, but limits their finesse.




Since the bone structure resembles that of an early hominin or chimpanzee,
"this adds support to the idea of the Hobbit being a separate species of early human rather than a modern human with a physical disorder."

There were other creatures on these Islands that shrunk to accomodate their environment, including Elephants, so why not Humans?

Everything shrunk on these islands except for the KOMODO DRAGONS ?

A few thousand years ago you could have found a true Flinstonian scenario of Dinosaur-like creatures co-existing alongside tiny humans...

and no doubt eating them.



Creation Scientists, who are advocates of the young Earth theory, should take solace that this is as close as they are going to get to having a Jurassic Park type setting where these two species, separated by millions of years, were sharing the same environment.

So this year my Christmas Wish is that we all stop fussing and fighting about this piece unearthed and have Peace On Earth.

Isn't it amazing how one little person,

can have such a HUGE effect on how we see ourselves?

HUMBUGGERY Crisismas?..er Cashmass?

More bloody Christmas reruns..

SING-A-LONG

It's the most perplexing time of the year

With the kids belly aching

And Walmart Ads stating

"the must-have gift item is here"

It's the most stressful time of the year

It's the crap-crappiest season of all

With those bad office parties
and red and green smarties

With banktruptcy looming

And suicides blooming

There'll be relatives boasting

Cheap liquor for toasting

And vomiting out in the snow

There'll be scary bank statements

And loan re-arrangements

for Christmas debts one year ago!

It's the most depressing time of the year

There'll be jealousies showing

And insults start flowing

As pleasantries soon disappear

It's the most stressful time of the year

There'll be smiles that you're forcing

And talk of divorcing

For feeding folks nobody knows

You'll hear the same bullsh*t stories

That are so f*ckin boring

about Christmases long, long, ago!

It's the most tedious time of the year

There'll be much mistletoeing

with creepy drunks groping

But soon they will all disappear

Calling Cabs for the stragglers is fine

Waving bye at the Airport sublime

Turning off the tree lights for the last time

That's the most wonderful time of the year

HO HO HO NO NO NO
Christmas Rerun from Nov 06
Why not? TV is nothing but reruns!

It's that time of the year again. The airwaves are clogged with those contrived miserable Carols and their latest incarnations blatantly cashing in to make a fast buck.

Few things in Life are as mindnumbingly nauseating as Christmas Albums.


To help battle the deprresing effects of these done-to-death earworms, I love listening to off kilter stuff like South Park's Lonely Jew at Christmas.



I was contemplating making a new Disc for the Hollow Days and I realised that nobody has ever made a better Christmas album than Boney M!



I think that it's the purpose driven Ka-CHING and artifice of Christmas songs that throws me into convulsions?
The main themes are always some sort of Magical thinking, Good ole fashion GUILT (the gift that keeps on giving) or a very public capitualtion of reasoning and admission of one's encyclopedic ignorance of history.












One particular song, I'll be Home for Christmas, makes me want to ingest a bottle of pills and slide into a warm bubble bath with a plugged in toaster.. it may very well be the most depressing song ever written.











On the other hand, I have adopted Band (84) Aid's Feed the World as a bona fide Holiday Song and I do like Brian Setzer's Rockin Around the Christmas Tree.

I wish John Lennon's Christmas song hadn't been played to death...although it is still lightyears ahead of Sir Paul's effort,
'sim-ply hav-ing, a won-der-ful Christmas time!"

I have always been fascinated by the bizarre pairing of David Bowie with Bing Crosby singing Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy together..but it works for me.

To be perfectly honest I find most of these cheesy contrived gimmicky blatant money grabbing songs to be insanely tedious and impossibly annoying.

Thanks to their endless rotation on TV commercials, the radio and in the shopping centres, by December 2nd I just want to scream!


So I need to find some NEW and tolerable Christmas Music to adjust my attitude
..any suggestions?


Since there are so many frightful Christmas tunes somebody out here must know a few songs that are delightful ?

Please forward:
ANYTHING NEW
3 that you LOVE
3 that you HATE.

TAKE IT EASY ON YOURSELF
It's easy to feel blah in Winter..
I mean just looking out at my backyard makes me want to migrate.

Asstronomically, winter officially starts in 2008 on December 21st.... the winter solstice thingamabob, but in reality, "Winter" starts November 1st.





Oddly enough the Celts figured this out Centuries ago when two Druid Dudes who had holidays named after them, Sam Hain and Al Hallows, realised that if it is freezing, snowing, and only light out for 7 bloody hours a day, it must be f*cking Winter!

Now it feels like the Earth is further from the Sun in Winter but believe it or not, it's supposedly 3 million miles closer in December.
What screws everything up is that the Earth leans slightly on its axis....
the precise angle of the tilt is 23 degrees and 27 minutes off the perpendicular to the plane of orbit..whatever the hell that means?

23 degrees off the perpendicular sounds exactly like the angle I like to sit when I watch TV and Blog during the Winter months... coinky dink?
I think not.

Like most people trapped in a Northern Town, I suffer from a sinister, depressing, Oh GAWD take-me-now sense of gloom during our 7 months of Winter.
To ease the discomfort, sometimes I like to sing one of the best pick-me-up songs ever recorded..
check out Jim Carrey's doppleganger Nick Laird-Clowes?!

He said "In winter 1963
It felt like the world would freeze
With John F. Kennedy
And the Beatles."

Tidings of Discomfort and Joy
A Ghost Of Chrizzmuz Past revisited;17/12/06

Since it 'tis the season of giving and receiving perhaps we should examine where most of you will be getting it.

What I mean is where exactly in the house do you prefer to unwrap your favorite present?

Outside the weather is frightful so that's out...

a spontaneous romantic excursion under a decorated tree can be quite exhilerating but it is a recipe for disaster what with all of the electrical cords and fragile decorations dangling precariously overhead..and the misletoe out in the front hallway might seem like a great idea until you notice wide eyed relatives gawking through the window of your front door...oops.

The temptation to stuff our stockings in unusual places arrives with the increased opportunities thanks to the respite from working schedules and having children off playing with new games and toys for hours on end.

How many times can you watch It's A Wonderful Life...No Really?

You can discount the bedroom and sofas during the Holidays because they are used exclusively to sleep off the staggering effects of nightly gluttony and the accompanying Trytophanic coma as well as self inflicted overconsumption of Holiday Spirits..

AH RUM PUM PUM RUM!

So wishing that special loved one a VERRRRY Merry Christmas may take place in a cozy bubble bath,

a romantic, squeaky, shower,

or

how

about

trying

out

that

brand

new

LOVE SWING that the special someone in your life just gave you to help make the twelve days of Christmas unforgettable. http://www.loveswing.com/index2.htm

If you are looking for a new way to enjoy a little monkey business with your prime mate then here it is. Talk about needing some prehensile tail!

Use of this apparatus is of course restricted to adult members of the population who are either Circus Acrobats, Olympic Gymnasts, Yogic Contortionists or Astronauts currently orbiting the Earth in a gravity free environment.

Personally I have no idea how bored or drunk you would have to be to even contemplate risking a few minutes of pleasure for a few months in traction...

and how does one go about persuading your gravitationally challenged partner to risk life & limb and climb aboard without the aid of vast quantities of Tequila or LSD?

Who dreams up these things..and where in your home could you actually suspend this monstrosity...for starters I am positive that I weigh more than these two models combined..bad pun..

I suppose that you could find some strong, accessible overhead beams out in the Carport or in the Garage, neither of which are very conducive to romantic encounters.

What happens once you are up there..which in itself would be reward enough for me! At my age couch dismounts can be tricky enough never mind having dangled three feet off of the ground like some half assed spiderman.

This looks like a recipe for disaster and I would insist on having a phone hanging within reach in case of a charlie horse or some sort of chiropractic catastrophe!

Just to be on the safe side an updated Last Will and Testament should be posted in plain site for the forensic team to find when (and if) your bodies are ever discovered. With all of those straps twisting and turning I am positive that the forces of Natural Selection would inevitably kick in and remove you from the gene pool at the first available opportunity.

Wouldn't you just end up hanging your on-the-go clothes on this thingamabob like the stairclimber and other exercise equipment that you store in your bedroom? Despite the proprietary guarantee of an Orgasm a day I suspect that an emergency Organ reattachment by the end of the day would be a more likely.

Maybe I already have too many hangups!

CHUNDA ROAD

Have a lash at my sampling of the yeast-treat from downunda..
I was ready to chunda!

click here for my VEGEMITE TALES

CHRISTMASAURUS WRECKS

The Ghost of Christmas came haunting me again last night..prolly because I was hammered on Rum & Eggnog. I don't know..this time of year can be so stressful.

How do I explain the real meaning of Christmas to my youngest son?

It's all so bloody confusing. Do I tell him that Santa isn't real? If Satan, I mean Santa, isn't real, then maybe he takes the next logical step and starts to think that maybe Dinosaurs aren't real either?

That's a very slippery slope that I would prefer to avoid altogether. I'd much rather let him find out the truth about Dinosaurs and Christmas from the other kids at school...just like his questions about sex.

I wondered where I could go to get some honest answers about Dinosaurs and Christmas? No really! How can you believe in two mutually exclusive and opposing ideas at the same time?

Isn't that called cognitive dissonance?

Let's start with the fact that 60% of Americans, and 40% of Canadians, still believe in the archeo-historical authenticity of Noah's Flood...

which means that only about about half of all North Americans DON'T believe it...

imagine, in this day and age?

So how on Earth can we expect our children to believe in Dinosaurs AND Christmas all at the same time?

Like hundreds of others I decided to make the pilgrimage to the mecca of cognitive dissonance, Ken Hamm's

CREATION MUSEUM .

To be honest I was hoping to be accompanied by Stockwell_Day, Canada's Minister of International Trade.







Stock is the only Canadian politician brave enough to admit that he believes in a Flinstonian version of History in which people and dinosaurs lived side by side.

Like Mr Day, 46% of Canadians have discerned, mostly on their own, that the Flood really-really happened, I mean literally.

More Americans (61%) seem to rely on alternative sources other than evidential discoveries made and reported in Science, Geography, Archeology, Paleontology, Biology, and History Texts, for their information on Global Flooding, and more power to them.

In fact three of the Republican Presidential Candidates, Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee, and Tom Tancredo, had enough sense left in them, to admit that they do not believe in Evolution.

Damn straight.

I needed answers, and fast.

I have wasted the best years of my Life trying to separate the wheat from the chaff and the bull from the sh*t.

Like many others before me, I may might very well decide to throw caution to the wind, and acquiesce to what appears to be incontrovertible evidence, that Creation Scientists have nailed it.

Don't take my word for it read it for yourself.

Ken Hamm, the mastermind behind ANSWERS IN GENESIS, deflects tough, simple, questions with equally tough, simple, answers.

When did the Dinosaurs live Ken?

"God made everything in six days and Bible scholars will tell you that the Hebrew word for day used in Genesis 1, can only mean an ordinary day in this context."

Fair enough.

"Contrary to what many may think, what we know now as dinosaurs get more mention in the Scriptures than most animals."

Get out?

"The Bible teaches (in Genesis 1:29-30) that the original animals (and the first humans) were commanded to be vegetarian. There were no meat eaters in the original creation."

So Christmas should be a Vegan Celebration?

D'OH!

"Furthermore, there was no death. It was an unblemished world, with Adam and Eve and animals (including dinosaurs) living in perfect harmony, eating only plants!"

Shut-UP!?

"There is no proof whatsoever that the world and its fossil layers are millions of years old."

Why doesn't everyone know about this?

And then he dropped the bomb..

"No scientist observed dinosaurs die."

WOW!

"If you remove the evolutionary framework, get rid of the millions of years, and then take the Bible seriously, you will find an explanation that fits the facts and makes perfect sense."

Well you got me there Kenny.

I feel as though a great weight has been taken off of my shoulders.

"Evolutionists declare that no man ever lived alongside dinosaurs. The Bible, however, makes it plain that dinosaurs and people must have lived together.

Perhaps people and animals were killing each other; maybe dinosaurs had started killing other animals and humans."

It's all starting to make sense!

But Ken, I was obviously misled to believe by 99% of Scientists, that the Dinosaurs all disappeared 63ish Million years ago..

HOW?

"They drowned. All of the land creatures outside the Ark died. Many would have been covered with tons of mud as the rampaging water covered the land and the dinosaur fossils which were formed as a result of this Flood, were probably formed about 4,500 years ago, not millions of years ago."

I feel so stupid..it's as plain as the nose on your face.

"It is obvious that evolutionists don’t know what happened and are grasping at straws."

Pfft, you're tellin' me.

"There are some scientists who believe a few dinosaurs may have survived in remote jungles. Dinosaurs can also remind us that God judged the rebellion in Noah’s day by destroying the wicked world with water, resulting in the death of millions of creatures."

Bloody Dinosaurs, those bastards got what they deserved, every last one of them.

"Creationists, of course, would not be surprised if someone found a living dinosaur".

Awesome!

That would be so cool!

Well I hope that this information will help you decide what to tell your children about Christmas. It's never easy to lie to them year after year. Perhaps now you can break the chain. Why not make this Christmas one to remember.

The sooner you let your children in on the worst kept secret in the universe, the sooner they can begin to take advantage of the other children and get ahead in Life.

From all of my incarnations here at Homo Escapeons,

we wish You & Yours, a very-evolutionary..

DINO-MITE! CHRISTMAS

PROROGUING THE INEVITABLE

Dateline CANADUH!

Last week, in what can only be described as the single worst day in Canadian History..atleast since Newfoundland joined Confederation in 1948, the House Of Parlamentations was dissolved and the Province of Québec has separated from Canada..

literally..






after being chipped out of the Canadian Shield under the cover of darkness, it was quickly and quietly towed away by a tugboat registered to the sinister Territorial Collectivity of Saint_Pierre_and_Miquelon.

The bill for the entire relocation was remitted to the Minister of Finance in Ottawa.
Merde!

The Collectivité territoriale de Saint-Pierre-et-Miquelon is a group of small islands in the North Atlantic Ocean situated a mere 16 miles, that's 25 kanadian kilometres, from Newfoundland.

Most North Americans are blissfully unaware that the Islands of St. Pee & Micky are part of France and the European Union?!

As you can see from these photos, Canadian Citizens were stunned by the bizarre chain of events that led to the breakup of the Nation.







Many were glued to their televisions last week when Prime Minister for Life, Stephen Harper, elected to a Visible Minority Government only weeks earlier, was forced to beg Governor General Michaëlle Jean to Prorogue the House Of Commoners.

Poroguing is an unusual and highly suspect manoeuver which is only done in the event of an emergency when the rogues' gallery threaten to overtake the Ruling Class.

Since Canada is still technically a Penal, Fur & Forest Colony of England, Governor General Michaëlle Jean rules supreme as Queen Elizabeth's stunt double...

although if you ask me they don't look anything alike?

Personally I think that Miss Yvonne would be a better match but what do I know?

For those of you who are unfamiliar with our stunning GG (zjee-zjee) the correct pronounciation of Michaëlle Jean, is MIKHAIL, as in Gorbachev, and ZJHUH, as if spoken in Mandarin.

Madame Jean, pronounced jeen in merkin, is believed by many in the know to be the love child of Billy Jean.






Billy Jean gained notoriety back in the 80's when she unsuccessfully attempted to get child support from Michaëlle's father,






Michael Jackson, who vociferously declared that Billy Jean was not my lover.

Mr Jackson empahtically denied that he was the one.

Now back to the sordid, political fiasco.

The entire mess was iniated when the leader of the Official Opposition, Stéphane Dion, formed a ragtrag coalition with other members that Canadians didn't want in power such as the downtrodden Trotskyites in the Few Democratic Party...which is depressing but not illegal.

However, what upset Canadians the most was the fact that Dion made a deal with the leader of the separatist party, shown here giving les thumbs up.

The traitorous Bloc Québécois has never made a secret of their intentions to leave Canada and join St. Pee & Micky.

Stéphane Dion is as you all well know, the "uzban" of Superstar Céline Dion.

Céon, apparently she wants to have one name like Cher, is said to have worked tirelessly behind the scenes to have Quebec annexed by les Collectivité territoriale de Saint-Pierre-et-Miquelon.


Pour Q'what?

So that her son, Prince Louis 19th, pictured here with his family at a recent rally, could assume his rightful place as KING OF DA WORL bebe.




Apparently she wanted Louis 19th to be King of France but when they held a referendum and voted pffft, she decided that St.Pee & Micky were a "'ell ov a lot clozer" to Vegas, where she will be performing under contract until 2067.

So "dis, is as good as it get."

Canadians are still in shock and rightly so, and even though all thirteen of our world reknown Mounties have been sent to protect the new shoreline...






the threat of oil-rich, screech-fueled, Newfies overfishing the newfoundwaters of what was once Hudson Bay now seems inevitable.

Any and all suggestions would be greatly appreciated?!

realstoryhere

HAPPY Fing BIRTHDAY INDEED!

As many married Gentlemen are all too painfully aware there are mandatory dates upon which conjugal unpleasantness is guaranteed. Valentines Day, your Wedding Anniversary, and of course, one's Birthday...goes without saying really.

December 6th is the day upon which I advance another year however due to my recent testicular evisceration the act of frightfulness will be postponed.

As a rule, Gentlemen generally look forward to some constitutionally sanctioned thrashing and fumbling about as it reminds them that they are not dead.

In order to alleviate the disapointment I shall be spending the entire day at the RCMP Headquarters attending a seminar as the representative for my Neighbourhood Protection Group...



although having written the word seminar has not helped since it is only a single letter away from relating to, or consisting of seed or semen and containing or contributing the seeds of later development.

Damnit anyway.

Nevertheless I shall endeavour to submerge D'OH myself in the program and focus on the matters at hand.

In the meantime I have a procured an informative short film on Conjugal Rights. Have a pleasant weekend.

ONE SMALL SNIP FOR MAN..
WELL TWO ACTUALLY

I made it!

Oh sure I was nervous in the waiting room but it was all over in a flash..a few flashes..and much to my relief, my manhood remained intact.

The surgeon's laser wielding hand was steady and my worst case scenario of him sneezing and accidentally slicing my scrotum off like a Jedi light sabre never happened.

I had prepared myself for a terrible accident and decided that if I became a eunich, that I could always find work singing falsetto with the Vienna Boys Choir or the Nylons...

and of course only geldings are allowed to guard harems. HEllO?

My good-lady-wife has made it quite clear that men are wussies and that we don't know the meaning of PAIN, so I shall forgo any useless pleading for sympathy.










Actually, aside from 5? unnerving plumes of smoke rising from my swimsuit area, it was relatively uneventful.

Which is comforting when you consider the fact that all male Earthlings spend every day of their lives trying to avoid having their bag perforated by a sharp object!

The Doctor did mention that my boys put up a brave fight and valiantly tried to hide from him. I wanted to hide too, especially when the receptionist walked in to drop something off. Not only is she presented with the sight of my freshly shaved manbag, but my terrified and totally turtled willy has been unceremoniously strapped to my shirt...

find a happy place.

Naturally the local News media caught wind of the story and I had to dodge the scrum outside the doctor's office by sneaking out the back door.

UGH!

Once home I devoured handfuls of happy pills and reclined on the sofa with my bag of frozen peas. ((Aaaaaaah))

I will be following Doctor's orders and taking it easy for a few days..fortunately there is a Parliamentary Coup taking place so I'll have plenty to blog about.





Thanks to one and all for your comforting words as well as the good natured and well intentioned admonishments.

Now let us never speak of this unpleasantness again..